Feeling regretful about school choice but is the reason a me problem?

[immaculatecollection]

I'll try to keep this concise but I could end up writing an essay! We got our 2nd choice for our DC to start reception in September. The School is extremely good academically and isn't a bad school by any stretch but a little on the stricter side maybe. It's a faith based school in London so not based on catchment which means its very diverse in ethnicity (We wanted this!) It's purpose built so an amazing space for the kids. DC enjoyed his taster morning and seemed to take to it like a duck to water. I was very happy to see him like this.

So far so good, what's the problem? Here's the list

The school is further out than we'd hoped involving a car journey. The car journey isn't too long but our other DC is at a nursery in the opposite direction and we are happy with where he is and the hours are very good for work. Mornings may end up being chaotic but we won't know until we start. Also the wraparound care can only offer 2 days out of the week!? And they've been so slow at even telling us this information meaning we are now having to figure out more logistical issues which isn't great so close to starting.

The second is that my partner is an atheist and whilst he went with the fact its a good school and he could ignore that part, he has since started to make comments that he really isn't that comfortable with it after all. This sounds like it could be a problem once they start being a bit more active in the faith part at school.

But this final factor makes me feel silly for it even a being a thing but we noticed that in terms of how the other parents presented, we stuck out like a sore thumb. It was to the point we could see that people were looking at us. We dont even dress in an unusual way! But I guess we are quite colourful and expressive maybe!? Who knows but for whatever reason we just stuck out. The parents all seemed extremely reserved and didn't engage much and all appeared to be quite conservative/traditional. I started to worry the other parents thought we were odd! I dont know if I'm being crazy for saying this! Because is this even important!? But comparably, when we visited our 1st choice and even the lower choice schools, the appearance thing didn't even cross our minds (clearly everyone else was odd too!) and the other parents were so engaging and happy to chat. I think the reason why it mattered to us was because we dont know loads of parents locally but we were excited to meet and engage with new parents that may share similar interests. Between our 2 children that's 9 years of knowing the other parents and forming bonds so whilst shouldn't be the deciding factor, it does influence my feelings.

At the end of the day DC happiness is paramount and we wouldn't want to move them around for no good reason but I'm wondering if all these factors combined make for a good reason to continue being on the waiting list for the school we wanted or the lower choice school we have since started to think could've been a better fit, with better wraparound care. They haven't even started yet either so am I jumping the gun!? Im just trying too minimise too much change later down the line.

AMIBU or stupid for getting caught up in silly details of the last reason!?

You lose nothing by continuing to be on the waiting list. Depending on the timing of when a place comes up you can then make a, possibly more informed, decision. I don't think moving a child even once they've started Reception is particularly a problem in terms of friends/settling in - and of course if they've started at the school you might be in more of a position to judge whether it's a good fit (I'm sure there might be other "odd" people there too!)

Are you on the waiting list for your first choice school?

You won’t know how the travelling logistics will work until you do it, so maybe a practice run if you can

If the school was your second preference, presumably you would prefer it to the lower options, unless your partner wants your child to go to a school you didn’t opt for.

Realistically, how much time are you going to spend at the school gates, worrying bout what other parents think of you?

If it’s really bothering you, I’d find out which school have, or might have, spaces and look t the wrap around care there.

The other parents and the religious aspect wouldn't bother me at all.

I'd be hugely put off by the distance and logistics. Ideally I think you need a primary school in walking distance. What will you do if your car breaks down or is in the garage? I briefly had a child at a primary school which was a cars journey away and even as a sahm it was an utter nightmare with the traffic. The lack of wraparound care would also worry me a lot.

I'm not quite sure how you even qualified for this faith school if the admission criteria is not catchment. But I'd stay on waiting list for any other local school and see if any offers of places come up. It might mean your child has to start at one school and move if an offer elsewhere comes up. For now you have a place so I'd prepare your child for going there and sort child care required. Just feeling uneasy is NOT going to immediately magic a place at another school.
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@immaculatecollection Im not sure why you listed a school you find it difficult to get to. Why? You must have worked this out 6 months ago? The achool has not moved? Have you?

Im wondering if your partner just feels they don’t fit in? Religion and dress? So this is exacerbating the cold feet? Personally I would avoid a religious school if I didn’t want religion. Other schools were available so I’m surprised this aspect didn’t arise earlier.

However all these cons are about you as parents - not DS. He seemed happy. You are worried about what others think of you, your travel problems and your lack of religion. Is this a school for you or DS? If you still think it’s a mistake, keep on other waiting lists. Maybe buildings and high standards did mean more at the time for DS, but now you are more worried about you.

DS will have a religious input so can DP “hold his nose” about that? Must DS agree with DP? Does this aspect mean it will bother you for the next 7 years?

Whatever happens if your child chooses to engage with the faith then there can be no recriminations. There is a world of difference between an atheist or non believer and someone who will speak against religion. Just like some people keep their faith to themselves and those that make an effort to preach whatever doctrine they believe.

We chose the closest schools for both primary and secondary were they the best academically? Not at all but we know our child and he left with all A grades at A level.

It meant playing football at the local park with friends that lived in the same and the next few roads over and a walk of less than 10 minutes to school. DH had a huge commute to school in to London, he was very against a big commute for our DS. I grew up relatively rurally and it was a 1.5 mile walk to school but all the kids just walked together and it was a very safe area.

Keep your kid on the waiting list for your first choice and move them if a place comes up.

It's likely that your child will dislike the faith based aspect of the school coupled with the fact going to/from school and play dates are a pain.

One of the best things about sending your kid to a faith based primary school if you don't believe in religion is that they will also tend to not believe either. In some cases they actively rebel against it.

Yes I am wondering if this is an us thing so I appreciate the point. This wasn't out first choice school, but the one on our doorstep we both felt wasn't right for us. We loved our first choice and they kept on saying about low birth rate and people moving out of London. All our neighbours kids go to this school too....When questioned about the catchments the headteacher said the "world is you oyster this year" but turns out it isn't! We actually believed wed get in! I think DP would hold his nose...hes a fair person and not one to confuse our child. I just think is this actually something that may seem quite light initially end up being quite intense later down the line. For the record I went to a faith based school (catholic) which has given me an optimistic out look! (the Miracles obviously!) But I am not religious so I'm not so worried. But DP isn't used to anything like that. He felt ok on the tour but then the second time going in I think they talked about it a lot more that than the first time and he felt less comfortable.

I went to a faith based school too and I am not religious! so I agree not a problem. I think we plan to stay on the lists....I just think I know from experience too when you go on the playdates as I have through toddlerdom its a bit easier to disconnect from parents that are not people you wish to continue hanging out with. When your child attends school they form friendships and youre forced to do play dates as they like who they like!

It's not guaranteed to work out that way though. One of my ex work colleagues was sent to a faith school due to the good education despite both parents being non believers. She is now an Anglican vicar. Her father can see the irony. Her mother pretends to be proud of her but in reality can't disguise her absolute horror at how it turned out.

Thank you! yes youre right keeping options open is probably best. And if DC just loves this school I'll have to deal with the other stuff! I think wrap around care is also just another annoying factor

😂

Rebelling takes all forms.

I've actually joked about this....and my friends who were all raised catholic say yeah but look at us! we aren't religious....then this happens.

Well this is also another logistical problem. we are VERY far down on the waiting list of school 1. But 12th of the Lower preference school...it was still an excellent school we were just worried it was a little bit too relaxed initially but now we are wondering if the school we are at is too uptight! It had a sign on the wall saying BANNED WORDS. one was " 'Like' out of context! "

The travel logistics would be a pain, but how many years would it be before your younger Dc starts?

Are schools 1&3 walkable and both good reputable schools? Personally I found a primary within walking distance added a lot to quality of life, especially once play dates start and once older they can walk to friends’.

You might need to go on the waiting list for the 3rd choice school. If it’s a possibility nothing lost by going on the waiting list, unless your LA automatically transfers you to your waiting list school without offering you the option.

Sorry, I see you are on the list for 3rd choice.

Changes are in process for wrap around care for September - all schools need to have or be able to signpost to full week provision. I wouldn't worry too much about that.
My LA are working tirelessly with schools to get this last minute change (Tory gov) in place.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/wraparound-childcare-guidance-for-schools

Yes I’m starting to kind of see this all now. I think I really over thought the process when listing the choices after our first preference. The 1st and 3rd school are both very good schools too. 3rd school is just a totally different feel. No uniforms very child focused but a bit more academically relaxed. They do still pull in the results. The top choices we are very far down on the list but the 3rd we are 12th. I dont want to cause DC stress being moved about. Especially if it’s because of Me reasons. Younger child starts in 2026

So sorry Harlo, just to clarify they will need to provide the full week or start trying to get all children a full week from September?

@immaculatecollection Religion in a school is obviously ignored by most or church population would be growing. Most DC see it as kindness wrapped up in a story!

I attended CofE from 4-18. DDs were at Methodist school for secondary which was light touch. Evangelist CofE wouldn’t be for me or RC. Most DC follow lead of parents, not a prayer time at school though. DP might need to think about how much he will participate and some parents pull dc out of nativity etc (my relatives). I think that’s a bit extreme.

I would judge the head. What do news items look like? Full of religion or pupil activities? What role do local religious people take? Who is on the governing body? Add there prayers at lunch and before lessons? Religious sayings all over the buildings? So is it mildly religious or full on? These things tell you quite a lot about daily school life.

Yes the teacher said there is prayer 3 times a day, morning to greet the day, Grace at lunch and then goodbye prayer at home time. I know they’re not training the kid to be monks and nuns so I can handle the religious side. Like you said it’s a story about kindness essentially. And even my friends kids in non denomination schools still get taught about Jesus etc. but when we went to the school fete there was a lot of pictures of priests, statues, display cabinets of stuff etc
I actually prefer seeing actual religious imagery and statues than random pics of clergymen tbh!

Bottom line is, The school is amazing for lots of things, the diversity is brilliant. it’s in a wealthy area however because it’s not catchment based the mix of people attending is healthy and very inclusive.

But like I said for some reason we couldn’t see a single parent that outwardly matched our eagerness to engage (and dh has anxiety even meeting new people!) so it’s not like we’re ott. I felt it lacked the community feel that the other schools had. First choice was c of e. You wouldn’t even know it albeit a cross here and there.

dc will not know any different as it’s his first school. It’s definitely more an us problem. And I think that’s why I’m torn.

It had a sign on the wall saying BANNED WORDS. one was " 'Like' out of context! "

You've clearly never been subjected to conversations with children who use "like" every other word. I would regard banning this as a good thing :)

@immaculatecollection In my view, many religious schools are not very inclusive because, essentially, they cater for a “club”. One you are free to join but one that has a common interest in one religion. Not all religions or none. Personally I don’t see them as inclusive. I see them as promoting their own view to club members. The members have selected what religion they wish to worship and can exclude others by admission rules, eg attending a named church. Many do this. Are there Jewish and Muslim children there? Or is diversity mostly colour and race?

As for icons - not for me in any shape or form - assume this is RC. I’m happy enough with teaching morals but my DC were perfectly well catered for in the non religious infant school they went to. The local junior was CofE and no obvious other choice for us. That was light touch but now has gone far further. Other schools recruit on religious grounds and that’s not including all local children who might wish to walk to school. It feels exclusive to me. Schools like this around here generally are very middle class. Low fsm as these families don’t appear to go to church. Maybe different in cities.

RC around here recruit from far and wide and parents provide their own transport to the schools. Hardly a green solution. Or one for people on limited means. I think my views might not be popular though!

Are you expecting parents to engage with you? I just joined the pta and everyone involved with that was engaged with the school and doing their best. Try that route?

@TizerorFizz the entire point of a church is that it is a community.

How that community expands and survives is up to those who head it.

So how the CofE and the RC churches use their schools and even their church buildings where I am is completely different. (I am also in London like the OP. )

The local CofE diocese decided to get rid of the religious criteria to get into their primary schools. (A few other diocese have done that in London.) So children who attend them live nearby and it stops middle class parents finding God when their children need educating. As a result children who live in nearby social housing including on the schools doorstep get into the schools. It also means the most commonly practiced religion at my DDs school is Islam. (The children still have to go the attached church at least once a week.)

The CofE churches and rooms get used by other organisations and individuals when they don't need them for religious purposes to get people nearby in. So over the years I've been in churches for sales, concerts, birthday parties, and parent and baby groups. (They run parent and under 5 groups for the local council.)

Local vicars turn up at the fairs and local events we have to do things like face painting and sell refreshments.

There as the RC school accepts children from a much wider area and puts religion as one of their criteria for entry. This is even though 50% of their pupils aren't RC and the school is under subscribed. I was reading in a newspaper that the RC church was going to turn their primary schools in London into academies so they couldn't be forced to shut them by local councils.

Only this year have I seen the attached church holding events, though I've still not seen the clergy doing things locally.

I suspect the RC church was relying a lot until recently on people including children from Europe boosting their numbers. Though now, like the CofE, they have to rely on the much fewer international students and workers from Asia and Africa.

My understanding is that the DfE, under the Conservative government announced this programme without much planning with LA’s.

LA’s and schools are now playing catch up. In my LA we are trying to get this in as soon as possible. Staffing wrap around care is always an issue.

I would check with the school to see how far on they are with meeting the guidance I linked.

There is also a formal ‘right to request’ that parents can make. This would mean school should reconsider the offer to meet parent need. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/wraparound-childcare-guidance-for-schools/responding-to-requests-for-wraparound-childcare