Child separated from friendship group- ideas to make them feel positive

[Fedupsequin]

My DD7 has found out that she will be separated from her current class next year and from her existing group of friends she will only have one with her. She’s coping well in that she’s accepted it but she’s sad. I’ve explained that she’ll still see them at break times and we will have play dates but I’m trying to think of activities to make her feel more positive. I’ve come up with making matching keychains for their bags and organising a big play date for them all before they go back to school in September. Has anybody got any ideas of other things we can do?

The more of a thing you make it, the more you will tell her it’s a big thing and you risk making this worse. Absolutely arrange play dates so she can see it makes no difference but apart from that be breezy and remind her she will see them at playtime but class time (I assume she’s going into year 3?) is for work not friends chatting.

I might also be asking the school on the quiet if there is a reason behind the move - are they distracting each other or friendship issues, is there actually a feeling that they would be better separated whether to encourage new friendships or something else?( BUT if there isn’t and it’s just to rebalance the two classes, that is also fine.)

Reassure her this is a chance to make more friends, not to lose current friends.

Yep - big up the positives. Keep old friends and add new friends. Win win.
Very helpful indeed if there's any turbulence ahead in friendship group. More choices gets you greater resilience.

Within a very short time she will almost certainly make new friends and be happy

DS is moving up to reception and won’t have any of his closest friends with him from the school’s preschool. The teacher thought they were distracting him and gave me some good reasons for the seperation.

I’ve arranged a few playdates with both his existing friends and the new kids in his class over the summer & he seems a bit happier about this. The school also introduced him to his new teacher and he loved her so that was a big boost.

Do the play dates, but the key chains and "big playdate before they go back" seem more likely to make it seem like this is the end of their friendship and bigger than it is.
DD's friendship group in KS2 spanned all three classes and was no less strong for that. One of that group is still a good friend (at 18) despite going to a different secondary - they were only ever in the same class for maths, and I don't think they ever sat together there.

Thank you all so much for your responses-it seems I was inadvertently doing the complete opposite of what I was intending to do!

I did chat with her teacher to warn her that she was emotional before she went in today and she offered to see if she could move class but I feel like the teacher she has been given is a much better fit for her than the alternative and I know that she will make new friendships and be happy with her new classmates by the end of the first week. I’ve said this to DD too who agrees despite being sad-she said she wishes she could have her friends in her new class, not to change teachers. I was looking for ways to show her that their friendships wouldn’t end because of the new classes-ie. by having the keychains it’s physical proof to her that they’re still her friends when she worries but I think I’ve got that wrong. I’m absolutely not trying to make it harder for her so thank you all for the feedback before I started with these ideas!

As others have said, don't make it a thing. It's life, it happens, your daughter has accepted it and will be absolutely fine.

Focus on the positives:- she's still with one close friend, she has the opportunity to make new ones, she'll still see the others at playtime etc. Class shuffles each year help to build resilience and prepare children for life at secondary school where they won't always have the same people in their class. It's healthy to mix with other people. Plus friendships can grow apart as they get older. The more friends she has and the more experience of making new ones she gets, the less of a problem it will be if she does drift away from some of them later down the line. Everyone in the year group and beyond (years directly above and below etc) should be viewed as a potential friend, not just those in the current class.

Personally I think moving classes each year is good for children. It's usually parents who have a bigger issue with it than children. They may be sad initially if they realise they're being separated from friends but most kids adapt quickly and are absolutely fine once September comes round.

The exact same thing happened to my son last year when he was the same age and felt exactly as you do.

I don't have any specific advice - we did what a lot of people here are recommending, we didn't make a big deal of it, if he was upset we reminded him he could still play with his bestie at break times and sit next to him at lunch.

A year later he's still close to his best friend but has broaden his friendship circle and they all play together at break times, about 10 of them (huge, exciting games apparently and the more the merrier!)

So just wanted to reassure you that it can be very positive and hopefully you will both feel better about it all as the year goes on.

My DD was separated from her friendship group in class last year and it actually made them closer. It meant that she's ended up with a wider group of friends. She could spend time with her close friends during breaktimes when she could actually chat and play rather than doing it during lessons. It seems awful for your child now but actually it might not be so bad

It happened to my DD at one point, her friendship group in a three and other two ended up in the other class. I simply said well you’ll see each other at break and lunch and after school and any time the classes do mixed things. She then said well we don’t get to work together anyway as the teacher sorts our groups out. The friendship stayed strong and they also broadened out. It’s also happened to younger DD next year too. We’ve just stayed matter of fact and reassuring that it will be fine. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it.

It’s a good thing. I think being too enmeshed with primary friendships isn’t necessarily to be encouraged. The main clique at dds primary have stuck together like glue encouraged by the mums - they are still in same friendship group in year 11 which is pretty unusual. They are all quite anxious girls and have minimal social lives which their mothers are now slightly concerned about. It’s much healthier to branch out of course keep the valued old friends but be open to new people and to develop the skills to do so.

I'd be very low key about it. I wouldn't do the key chains etc unless she really pushes for it. Friendships evolve and friend groups shift. Some mums at my daughter's school tried to intervene in that process but really children are changing all the time anyway.

My son was separated from his friend at this stage and really struggled as he has some additional needs and finds change hard. We were gutted and looked into moving house to find a smaller school etc. But, it has all worked out. He’s made friends, learned to manage change well and is very resilient. In hindsight we feel he’s much more prepared for the challenges of high school than he would have been if he had been allowed to stay in a small close-knit group. Your daughter may breeze through and find she makes more friends and keep her original ones too. But if she does have some hard days, try to remember that she will get through and it will prepare her for the challenges that life will bring. I know how you are feeling though. It’s hard when this happens.

Agree with this.
I know girls like this into adulthood too and as you say, they have never broken away from the school gang and are now very narrow minded and struggle to make new connections at work and have limited social lives.

You know your daughter. If you think she would be happier with her friends, then move class, especially if the school will accommodate it.

This is actually a good thing really. I have teens and time and time again, things have changed and they have needed to understand that real friendships can continue and that the opportunity to make new friends is good.
Thinks like moving to secondary, then college, then university, then a job all require resilience and an open mind to meeting new people. It’s definitely best to practice this when young. Just keep it low key and invite new friends around for play dates too.

Where is she going?? Siberia ???? Will she make some New friends in the new class ???? This is wrapping in Cotton Wool to the extreme.

I think that whatever you do, the girls in the other class will end up closer. I would focus on establishing and cementing new and existing friendships in her new class.

Definitely a good thing, mine is going to be separated from her best friend next year. We have regular playdates and they also do an activity together so see each other outside of school a lot. But they do need space to make other friends. I wouldn’t do anything special for it, arrange meet ups etc but past that don’t make a big deal out of it. She needs you to look confident that she’s going to be fine. If you do things that make you seem anxious about it she’s going to feel even more anxious.

@Fedupsequin my DD was separated from her friendship group in y3 and then in y4 they reunited and was like it never happened...

During y3, ok they had slightly separate trips and events, but she had the better teacher, still had one friend and they all still played together at break and lunchtime...

My son in reception was put with a mixed year 1/2 and most of his class went to the year 1. He was kept in that class for two years and friends left then he joined them in year 3/4.. Honestly he ended up with friends in the years below and above and I was glad it happened for him. What seemed like a bad move for him was a blessing.
We just acted like it was normal no issues with it..

As a teacher I’ve seen this many times. Parents and child upset etc. come September they make friends in new class and forget about the the others!

don’t focus too much on it - it’s very unlikely that the friendships will remain this strong anyway and she’ll probably make new friends and move on!

@Fedupsequin What we noticed at primary was that some DC had a charmed life - never split away from friends. Usually DC of alpha families who would complain loudly if DC were upset. So they were left alone until y6. Then a big upset as anticipated. Other Dc were moved around for spurious reasons.

So what I would say: accept it for next year but ask when they plan to move DC around between y4-6? In our LA, y6 is 11 plus in Sept so the parents were angry. The rest of us had sucked it up for years. If you see others aren’t being moved, ask questions. My DD wasn’t that bothered but resentments built up!