Bullying in School, but DH doesn't want to move our son

[FlyingHigh55]

Looking for opinions, my child is in a rural prep school that runs from reception to Y8. We was in nursery in London, and moved here for reception, we are now finishing Y1. ( so 2 years in this school)

From almost day 1 I have not liked the school, I have felt the pastoral care was lacking, the children friendships seemed stained, and there was no emphasis on kindness. In Y1 one of the larger children was hitting her classmates, and I bought my son a book on boundaries and bullying. We spoke to the form teacher who assured us it was under control. I also saw some safeguarding issues.

We brought it up with the headmaster, and the form teacher. The headmaster assured us they would look into it and we saw the safeguarding changes take effect immidiately. I assumed they were looking at pastoral issues too. We never received feedback/ any followup.

Y1 and the unkind behaviours continue. The class does not play with one another and there are a few playground fights. "Kids will be kids" is what the form teacher has told me. We spoke to the pastoral head about some bullying/ ostracising of a child in year 2 that we noticed. He listened but never got back to us. I am not convinced this is the right school for us.

Then I find out

2022, 4 Y8's were almost suspended for bullying.

2023 10 ( out of 35 kids) in year 8s were "caught up in an organised bullying scandal" , involving text messages and social media:they were asked to go home early for study leave.

This year again 3 Y8s and 2 Y7s ( that i know of ) have been found to have been bullying, none have been suspended. Infact one of them has received a special mention at main assembly for their academic achievements. I also hear of a year 6 child being chased and locked in a classroom.

A lot of these children have influential parents or are linked to the school / local area somehow.

I want to leave immidiately, my dh does not! He wants to give the school a chance to get better. He thinks if he raises the issues with the govenors the school will change. The only reason i can see for his behaviour is that he is heavily involved in the school community and we have made some lovely friends here.

Moving schools would possibly mean moving area as there are no preps around us unless we drive 30-40 mins or so. (And that's not the lifestyle we moved to the country for)

Has anyone experienced this sort of thing? I am not sure why he is not as outraged as I am. Would you "give the school a chance? " I feel he's gone insane.

How does your child feel bout school?

Is your child being actively bullied? Or is it just the higher years?

Not enjoying it much as far as I can tell. But he loves sports so plays a lot of cricket and football.

It's in preprep as well, reception and yr 2.

Why does he have to go to a prep school?

The school should not discuss with you other children so I am less surprised that they didn’t get back to you about your reports from other children. I also wonder if you really know what went on with the children in older year groups, nevertheless it sounds to me that you don’t trust the school to have dealt with it properly.

i think you DH’s strategy is a good one considering there aren’t any local options. How about the local state primary rather than prep?

To be honest, it sounds like a lot of playground gossip. I’d be curious to know where you gleaned all this detail about other pupils from. You must spend hours before and after school talking to all the other parents!

@FlyingHigh55

I think you are slightly confused about what a school can tell you.

Firstly, safeguarding is about abuse of children. It’s not health and safety. If it’s truly safeguarding, the school must follow their procedure and it’s vital they do. They will have a professional team they must contact about safeguarding concerns and you can read the policy on their web site.

If it’s bullying, again the school must have a policy. As they must for behaviour. I suggest you read them. What you cannot do is use hearsay as evidence. These older dc aren’t yours or affecting your dc.

I think your bigger issue is ethos and that the school appears to tolerate aggression. I would expect their behaviour policy to be implemented but it’s difficult for you to change this.

It’s also wrong for your husband to think governors will interfere with the way the head runs the school. It’s just not their job and they should not get involved. Plus, what can they do? Sack the head? Instruct the head to do what? They should evaluate whether the school’s policies are implemented but many private school governors don’t bother. They are far more worried about finance and marketing.

So it’s up to you. Do you need a prep? Are you aiming to go to senior school in y9? Is there another route to the senior school you want? Is this a boys’ school by the way? Sometimes they are more tolerant of scuffles and anger displays. I don’t think they should be, but it’s a known issue in some schools. You do want to see staff teaching a more mature way to settle arguments!

I am not sure in your message that I see that your son is being bullied specifically. Have you got more examples that are specific to him. You seem a little focused on the actions to all rather than to your child. For instance, if the girl hit random children rather than targeting one child it is more a behaviour problem than bullying. The school will not tell you what they are doing to address the issue as that is between the school and the girls’ parents.

What is the school’s official ethos / vision? Does it align with yours? Agree with poster above that you should look at some of their policies.

I'm the pre prep representative for the pta, so am more aware of the goings on. I'll leave the gossiping to others. I'm asking a serious question, about something that's quite important to me.

@FlyingHigh55 what is your understanding of what bullying is?

We know about the bullying in the upper years as the parents of the kids involved have told us what has happened. These issues were not discussed by me with the school. They didn't involve me or my child.

What I spoke to the school about was the incidents I witnessed or my son told me about. Ie He watched his friend in the year above being pushed and kicked, and his belongings ripped up . I then saw an incident a few days later involving the same boy. I was hoping the school would step in and behaviours would be resolved before they escalated further. This was a year ago, and the said kid is still aggressive, and now starting with the younger ones (my sons class).

So there's a bit of witnessing, there's a bit of parents relating their frustrations to me / reasons they are leaving the prep. It seems like a pattern to me. So I can't figure out the logic of wanting to wait and see....

@FlyingHigh55 I think you are really talking about ethos. What exactly is your role supposed to be? Are you the sponge for unresolved complaints? I’ve found parent reps in prep schools are pretty toothless as they just organise coffee mornings and a whip round for the teacher at Christmas. I would be amazed if you or DH could do anything to shift the ethos.it sounds like the slt won’t challenge the big fish. Money is maybe the root of this problem. I’ve seen similar. Not deal with bad behaviour by the dc of a big donor.

Does the school have clear policies on behaviour, bullying and sanctions? Does it record such incidents and do the Governors review policy in the light of the actions taken by the head? Do the governors know anything about monitoring policies and reviewing them? Are teachers upholding the policies and is the head? As many schools don’t monitor whether policies are effective or nut, they won’t admit to issues. Basically, they haven’t a clue. So maybe relinquish being class rep?

I want my child out of this school, I have no illusions of changing anything. This is the atmosphere they have created and they can deal with it. I don't want my child exposed to these toxic ppl, teachers and headmaster. My dh thinks the school governors are unaware of what's going on, they just need stronger policies and he can " open their eyes".

Nothing wrong with coffee mornings and community getting together. 😋

@FlyingHigh55 Its dh you need to convince then. He’s also a bit deluded I’m sorry to say.

Policies are only as good as SLT and the teachers who follow them. A good behaviour policy supports good behaviour and sanctions are clearly explained and followed. It’s clear to me the SLT here aren’t that interested so what’s the point of restructuring the sanctions or behaviour policy if no one follows it? It’s pointless. I rather think they won’t change because it needs SLT to recognise they need change.

The Chair doesn’t write policies. The Governors should monitor the effectiveness of them but they are written by education professionals. There’s no way they will change because a parent asks nicely. It’s a big part of school ethos and values and ideally a behaviour policy should be drawn up in consultation with parents. If they think rough and tumble is ok, and you don’t, I would ask DH to honestly consider where is the evidence they will change? A new policy means absolutely nothing.