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Original poster

Friend situation with DD age 8

6 replies

Temporarynameforthisone · 21/06/2024 22:40

My DD has been very good friends with a girl in her class since reception. They often refer to each other as best friends. We have hosted her at our house for play dates, only been to her house once. They have met up in school holidays a few times.

I thought I had a nice friendly relationship with her mum.

There has always been a few things I’ve found tricky eg The other little girl gets very upset if my DD has a play date with anyone but it’s ok for her to have play dates with other friends.

There have been several times over the last 18 months that my DD has mentioned the friend being bossy, unkind with her words etc but I’ve never spoken to the mum or school., I’ve trusted it was dealt with in school.

A couple of months ago the mum spoke to me and complained that her DD was upset because my DD had been mean. My DD denied it. This happened four times in the space of two weeks so I suggested we should speak to the school and find out what is happening as we don’t see what is happening.

I had a meeting with DD’s teacher and was informed they had been observing the girls for a couple of weeks as requested by the other girls mum. My DDs behaviour wasn’t a problem, she had never been disciplined for unkind behaviour. The other girl had and there had been several parents who had spoken to the school.

I have tried to maintain a normal relationship with the mum but the mum ignores me, she will literally walk pass me.

The difficulty I have now, is the little girl has told my DD they will never have a playdate again and she will never be invited to her house again. She’s also said some unkind things about me which are far too grown up for an 8 year old so I’m guessing mum has said these things. But, they continue to play together all the time at school and my DD asks for play dates with her.

This little girls mum is noticeably trying to move her daughter on to other friends eg: play dates with girls she never plays with at school. Suddenly inviting mums she’s never engaged with to her house for coffee. At pick up she moves her DD away from my DD as quickly as she can. We recently arrived at the park and the girls ran to each other, the mum couldn’t leave the park quick enough!

I’ve been assured by the school it is not my DD’s behaviour that is the problem. Obviously this mum does not want our daughters to be friends, but they continue to be.

Wpuld you try and speak to the mum or let her get on with it?

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kiwiane · 21/06/2024 22:56

I would continue as you are and encourage other friendships; could they move into different classes for next year?

LightDrizzle · 21/06/2024 23:00

You’ll gain nothing from speaking to the mother and will only stoke her dislike. It’s a shame but you just have to let it glide over you and reassure your daughter that you are happy for her to play with her friend at school and she’s done nothing wrong but equally friendships often change throughout the school years and if that happens to her and her friend then it’s totally normal.

It does all sound very odd. Are you happy to share the suspiciously adult things the friend said about you to your daughter? Do they give any insight into why her mother has taken against you, - I’m not inferring that she had reason but it just might reveal what’s going on in her own head such as insecurity, jealousy, snobbery. It might not have much to do with you and she’s just one of those amnesiac parents who have totally unrealistic ideas about children’s friendships and behaviour to each other and conflate minor spats with sociopathic bullying and are incapable of accepting their own child might ever be a bit mean, or attention seeking, or any of the challenging behaviours that go hand in hand with normal child development and peer relationships. Maybe she’s decided your child is bad news because her daughter has complained to her after every minor disagreement or perceived unfairness she feels she’s experienced with your daughter and therefore you must be a bad parent.

Labraradabrador · 21/06/2024 23:05

Yes, I would try to talk to the other mum to clear the air and try to get to the heart of the matter - it all sounds a bit vague and muddled, as is often the case in friendship disputes at that age. Adults should be able to maintain neutrality in a normal dispute - they are figuring out what it means to be a good friend and sometimes they will be a bit bossy or a bit mean, but there is a real skill in being able to communicate boundaries (as the receiver of bad behaviour) and restore relationships (as the perpetrator) that parents should be supporting. Being able to healthily repair a damaged relationship is so important, and if this has been mostly a good relationship to date that is what I would be aiming for. If the other parent is opposed and actively sabotaging the friendship it is a shame.

SamPoodle123 · 22/06/2024 10:49

I have seen this happen and find it so odd when parents do this. It is different if something serious has happened, but when it is a disagreement or learning how to navigate friendships, then parents should help be supportive and not just try and run away acting like a child themselves.

I had experience with this when dd had a close friend and suddenly things were weird. The mum was no longer inviting dd to anything. After several months I decided just to message the mum and straight up ask in a nice way what was the issue. She explained (it was something very small!) and after that the girls were allowed to be friends again. They are very good friends years later. And dd has been invited to many things (and we reciprocate of course), but I cannot believe the drama of stopping invites etc for something so small...when it could have been cleared up with a text message....ODD!!!

Beachballplayer · 22/06/2024 10:54

Temporarynameforthisone · 21/06/2024 22:40

My DD has been very good friends with a girl in her class since reception. They often refer to each other as best friends. We have hosted her at our house for play dates, only been to her house once. They have met up in school holidays a few times.

I thought I had a nice friendly relationship with her mum.

There has always been a few things I’ve found tricky eg The other little girl gets very upset if my DD has a play date with anyone but it’s ok for her to have play dates with other friends.

There have been several times over the last 18 months that my DD has mentioned the friend being bossy, unkind with her words etc but I’ve never spoken to the mum or school., I’ve trusted it was dealt with in school.

A couple of months ago the mum spoke to me and complained that her DD was upset because my DD had been mean. My DD denied it. This happened four times in the space of two weeks so I suggested we should speak to the school and find out what is happening as we don’t see what is happening.

I had a meeting with DD’s teacher and was informed they had been observing the girls for a couple of weeks as requested by the other girls mum. My DDs behaviour wasn’t a problem, she had never been disciplined for unkind behaviour. The other girl had and there had been several parents who had spoken to the school.

I have tried to maintain a normal relationship with the mum but the mum ignores me, she will literally walk pass me.

The difficulty I have now, is the little girl has told my DD they will never have a playdate again and she will never be invited to her house again. She’s also said some unkind things about me which are far too grown up for an 8 year old so I’m guessing mum has said these things. But, they continue to play together all the time at school and my DD asks for play dates with her.

This little girls mum is noticeably trying to move her daughter on to other friends eg: play dates with girls she never plays with at school. Suddenly inviting mums she’s never engaged with to her house for coffee. At pick up she moves her DD away from my DD as quickly as she can. We recently arrived at the park and the girls ran to each other, the mum couldn’t leave the park quick enough!

I’ve been assured by the school it is not my DD’s behaviour that is the problem. Obviously this mum does not want our daughters to be friends, but they continue to be.

Wpuld you try and speak to the mum or let her get on with it?

Don't engage with these people it won't do you any good, encourage your daughter to make new friends. For what it's worth some adults have conversations with children that they really shouldn't and it sounds like this has been happening, they probably thrive on drama and will bring their children up to do the same.

frightenedmum1 · 22/06/2024 17:44

I had a meeting with DD’s teacher and was informed they had been observing the girls for a couple of weeks as requested by the other girls mum. My DDs behaviour wasn’t a problem, she had never been disciplined for unkind behaviour. The other girl had and there had been several parents who had spoken to the school.

No way did the teacher tell you this stuff about the other girl!

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