Daughter struggling in school but no support

[Lilacbluewaters]

My daughter has struggled since starting reception, she didn’t attend preschool so it’s a huge adjustment for her but she’s become a different child at home.
she recently transferred to a new school because she was crying everyday at her old one as there was only 2 girls in the class (6 in total) and she was on her own most of the time which even the teacher said she would spend a lot of time alone. Whilst she is happier at her new school as she has made some nice friends she struggles with her learning and I feel she needs some one on one support.
she comes home from school a lot very emotional, at night time she will cry and says she doesn’t want to go to school but then in the day she’s happy to go to school it’s confusing. She doesn’t sleep we have tried everything at this point besides medication, she doesn’t get to sleep until 11-12 and wakes at 8.
she has started with a lot of tics which also prevents her from falling asleep.
I have asked the school for support and told them how she’s struggling at home but all they have said is we need to get to know her and she’s okay at school but then also said she does cry at school sometimes.

I took her to the doctors today and it was pointless, all he said was her behaviour was normal. How are tics normal? All this anxiety? Not being able to sleep until so late because she’s up with worries?
please any advice where do I go from here

how long has she been at the new school?

How old is she? Her sleep may be age appropriate.

Have you tried helping her at home with reading and numbers? Has she said what she’s anxious about?

What support do you think she needs?

I know how this goes…..

Get in front of a paediatrician. Mention ASD and ADHD and especially the tics. Talk about assessments and appropriate evidenced support and EHCP. This is your life now.

Unfortunately, due to school budget cuts, there isn't always the money to give every child 1:1 who needs it. School do need to get to know her (I don't think you said how long she's been there) and make their own decisions about support to put in place.

That said, you'd hope they'd be working with you to make sure she's happy going in to school and listening to your concerns. Is it worth arranging a meeting with the SENCo and, rather than just asking for 1:1 support for her, ask for help with strategies to get her in happily in the mornings?

Also, I'd be speaking to the GP again. Midnight is not a good time for such a young child to go to sleep and there may be some help they can give, eg. melatonin or something.

How long has she been at the new school? I do think they’re right that you need to give it a reasonable amount to settle; change is always hard & it will take time for your daughter to get to know the school & them to know her.

How do the school say she is doing academically? Is she still in reception? What are you doing at home to support her academic progress?

It is a very long process to get 1:1 support (& tbh even with an ehcp 1:1 is now very rare / unusual). It might help to be more specific with exactly what your concerns are & what you are hoping school will be able to do. They aren’t going to be able to provide an adult to work just with her.

Sorry I didn’t mention she has only been there 2 months so yes still pretty new to her and the teachers.
I honestly feel a bit clueless with ASD and ADHD, I feel some of it fits her but then other bits no. I read about PDA which matches her perfectly but also that can go hand in hand with ASD.
how would I go about having her assessed?
she struggles a lot with her phonics, she is in reception and is currently at the blending stage of phonics. We practice at home together, before she started at her new school she was doing good with her writing but I have noticed she’s fallen back with this and is writing her letters/numbers wrong but not quite sure why.
she struggles a lot with tics when we are learning at home and I do wonder if she displays this in school because it can be quite hard for her to concentrate. She has a vocal and an eye twitch/blinking one. She also gets very upset when she doesn’t get something or can’t understand it quickly and I do of course support her and tell her learning takes time and the more we do it the more her confidence will grow.
with regards to sleep she just will not go to sleep, she will do absolutely everything and anything not to and then when she does eventually relax and calm down to go to sleep she has a lot of tics which takes longer then to fall asleep which is why she can be awake as late as midnight.
i did speak with the sendco at her school but no help so far, is it too soon as she’s only been there 2 month? I worry as soon it will be the summer holidays and then year 1
…

I appreciate your concerns, she's your daughter and of course you want the best for her. But you can't turn around and say school aren't supporting because they're not giving her the 1-1 support you feel she needs. Their hands are tied. Without an EHCP they will not have the funds to offer her 1-1 support.

You say she 'recently' moved school. How recent? They do indeed need time to get to know her before conducting referrals.

I assume you mentioned the tics to the doctor? The sleep could indeed be age appropriate, or could be a sign of something more. They can't diagnose anything based on one visit. They need to build a picture, of which this one visit is just the start.

Many children do take time to settle into school, especially children who have never been to pre-school. Any particular reason you didn't send her? She's still adjusting to a massive lifestyle change (especially as she's already moved from the first school). The teariness is very normal for a child who is only just learning to separate from their mum for the first time in her life. She does indeed need time to settle before any referrals can be made as.

Also I find she struggles in groups, she seems to thrive with children one on one but throw her into a mix of 3 or more children she seems to struggle to fit in which of course makes her upset

i shouldn’t have worded it that way that she needs one to one support, I just want some sort of help from somewhere. Whereas right now I’m just worried she’s going to fall through the cracks and struggle more.
We chose not to send her to preschool as I was lucky to be in the position to stay home with her and go to groups instead and I don’t regret not sending her.
I did mention the tics to the doctor, I have seen a doctor previously regarding this. Today I just wanted help with her sleep really as I feel that is just heightening all her emotions the lack of sleep.

I was typing my reply as you updated. Two months is definitely still the 'settling in period', especially at Reception age. By all means keep making school aware of your concerns, but they really haven't known her for very long at all.

Academically it doesn't sound like she's massively behind, from what you've said. Regression with letter formation is very normal in Reception. They have so much to think about. They start to learn that a, for example, is not simply a circle and a stick. Then they focus all their energy into hearing sounds so they can spell words and suddenly they're back to circles and sticks as it's too much to focus on at once.

If progress was plotted on a graph, it would not be a continuous upward curve. It would be a wibbly wobbly line with lots of ups and downs along the way but ending the year at a much higher point then where they started. Don't be too disheartened by some academic regressions, especially considering she's had a change of school to contend with.

Whilst I respect your decision not to send her to pre-school, I do honestly think this could largely be part of her social struggles. She's never had to navigate friendships without you by her side before. She's never had to experience being apart from you until this year. School is a massive culture shock for her.

Pre-school isn't simply childcare, there to support those who need to work. It can also provide a vital early part of a child's early education (not just their academic education, but socially and emotionally as well. In fact, socially and emotionally above all else).

It is totally a parent's prerogative not to send them (and personally I wouldn't recommend nursery before 2 1/2 unless needed for child care anyway) but I don't think anyone can expect their child to seamlessly adapt to school life having never been to pre-school to be honest. There are always going to be teething issues.

I'm totally not judging your decision not to send her, just pointing out that there will be a correlation between her having never been to pre-school and struggling to settle at school. She needs time.

Year 1 teacher

You're expecting an awful lot of your daughter. You didn't send her to any kind of childcare but then have sent her to two schools within her reception year - that's an awful lot to process for a 4/5 year old.

Have the school expressed concerns with her academic progress? Blending is totally normal in reception and year 1 and into year 2 for lots of children. What kind of sounds is she blending? If she read something like train then she'd be on track for word reading before year 1.

Letter and number mistakes and reversals are also normal. Get a number line and alphabet strip for her to copy letters when she does have to write them.

Neither of these things suggest she needs 1:1 support.

I'd try to make sure evenings and weekends are as low key as possible. Do her reading but don't overload with a load of extra learning.

Socialising with 1 child is very different to finding your place in a classroom. Also parent groups with mum are very different to establishing relationships with both your peers and the staff. It will take time.

I agree you probably just need to give things more time re school. How old is she in the year as well?

I also agree that getting her sleep sorted sounds like a priority. Does she have a good bedtime routine? No screens etc at least an hour before. Neom sleep spray is good and also try relaxations - I like the new horizons holistic centre ones you can find on you tube or Spotify etc (they are specific kids ones). Do you stay with her to help her be calm? Appreciate that’s a pain but if it gets her into a better routine it might help things. Do you have to wake her in the morning or does she wake naturally in time for school?

She is currently learning to blend sh, ch,
I’m not putting expectations on her, she is where she is and I don’t expect more. I just worry for her and don’t know if getting no support is normal or not or when support is needed really. I understand the transition is huge for her and even as an adult I would struggle which is why I’m trying to make sure she is supported so it doesn’t continue to knock her confidence throughout school

She is 5, December birthday. I’ll have a look into those on YouTube. Myself or her dad usually stay with her to calm and relax her until she falls asleep which does feel like a step back but it is needed right now. We do try to keep things calm after 7 for her but she’s up and down any reason really to not be in bed. I do have to wake her up in the morning as she’s exhausted she would probably sleep until half 9/10 if I left her

When is her birthday? There is a lot of difference in age between a September child and a July/august one.

what does she do at home after school? Mine was tired in reception and so apart from reading maybe 4 or 5 times a week we didn’t do any school
work. After school was for playing/going to the park/chillin on the sofa with tv. 6 hours in school is a lot for them in terms of having to listen, write, sit nicely in the carpet, share with peers, navigate playing with peers etc when they’re so little and they need to decompress at home - try to take away any pressure when you can.

She doesn’t do much relaxing at home tbh she’s very on the go, it’s rare she would sit and relax. She always wants to being doing something and she’s usually playing outside everyday after school especially whilst the weather is nice. She has a friend who lives next door so they play together a lot after school which is good and bad because she’s not really having much down time. But even when she’s not playing outside she wants to be doing something any sort of arts and crafts or playing a family game, she doesn’t stop I don’t know how she isn’t flat out by 8.

Also she is a December birthday

@Lilacbluewaters If she's reading sh and ch she's working within what's called phase 3. Most reception will be working on phase 4 in the summer term; however, working on the beginning of phase 3 at this stage isn't necessarily alarm bells. I would be concerned about the children who are still not able to blend using single letters.

In terms of your expectations, I mean settling into 2 schools, learning 2 different routines, learning how to socialise with children on her own, learning how to navigate adult directions that aren't her parents etc all with no experience of any early years setting. I'm not saying you're pushing expectations academically but learning to cope with all this could mean that she's just not as able to focus on learning like others might be.

It could be all ‘normal’, just settling into school stuff, especially as it seems she didn’t have the best start at the previous school. It could just be her personality to be a bit on the anxious side and starting school, being away from you can be very worrying for some children. For many, obviously it improves as they get older, get used to things, better at regulating their emotions and get more confident.

However, as you’ve said she has tics, that combined with her being very anxious, struggling in groups, sleep issues etc, it could point to some sort of ND.

In your shoes, I’d probably get her through til summer and see how she is over the holiday in terms of anxiety and sleep. When she’s calm and happy, try to get her to talk about her feelings. I’d also do some phonics and things with her over the summer, make it fun, just 5 minutes a few times a week to stop her forgetting things over summer. Then see what next academic year brings. If she’s still struggling, speak to your GP and the SENCo about getting her assessed.

You need to adjust expectations on timelines or seek a private assessment. It is absolutely shit, but SEND services are massively overwhelmed, and there is no chance of getting an assessment by September. In our area a GP will only refer for assessment if school supports it, and then once they refer the wait time for asd assessment in our area is 3 YEARS. Going private is about 6 months. If school are on board they can implement interventions without a diagnosis, but you need to get the school on board.

you are heading into summer, and it is a good time to be a bit more hands on and get a better feel for dc learning. I have a nd child, and we find it helpful to maintain a routine that includes ‘homework’ (maths and English workbooks)and reading throughout the summer. Maintaining a routine helps us navigate the transition from one year to the next, and also helps me address any learning gaps / mitigate against summer learning loss.

i feel you re sleep - dd is terrible all year long, but the long days of summer really screw with her internal clock with or without blackout blinds. At least in the summer she can sleep as late as she wants / have the odd nap.

You chose not to send her to preschool to learn about being at school and a million other things.
She started at school with 5-6 kids she didn't know. Left there all day.
She didn't settle quickly. You KO Dc her. The poor child is 5 years old?

The way you describe your dd being excited for school but upset and crying in the evening, reminds me of Fern Brady's autobiography, Strong Female Character. She is a comedian who discovered her autism as an adult, but had a lot of 'meltdown' behaviour in her young years, often because school was just very overwhelming for her as an undiagnosed autistic person. The audiobook is on Spotify for free if you wanted to listen.