DDrefusing school

[SchoolRefusal]

Can anyone offer advice as I don't k or what to do.

DD is 10 in Y5. Quite soon Into Y5 she had issues with the teacher. I totally accept she chats far more than she should but now I think the relationship between the teacher and DD has massively deteriorated.

Some examples are:

She gets told she won't get help in class because she doesn't listen.

She's been accused of writing something inappropriate in her book but when DD said her book was confiscated (so she can't have done that) she was accused of back chatting.

There's a fair amount of tale telling in class to which the teacher believes the other child and DD gets told off. This has now escalated to telling her off for something "she knows what she's done" when DD has no idea. Said children then smile at DD as they have got their reward.

She isn't allowed her hair down because it's messy (teachers words it's really curly DD is mixed race) although the school policy is all hair up but the girls with straight hair are allowed it down.

She called disrespectful.

Told her work is messy. They don't like how she holds her pen although she is under mid diagnosis for something that may affect this.

I'm not a teacher or school hater. I've tried to tell her that the teacher has 30 kids to deal with and it must be hard when they don't listen etc but every day there is something that she's in trouble for.

This girl turns up to school every day and is above her grade in reading. She has never had any issues with previous teachers or years. She also does many clubs and non have reported any such behaviour.

Today she's been accused of something and I think it's the last straw for her. She's sobbing. She's not eaten for a few days. She had a little play/show this afternoon and I watched her just stand there, a shell of herself. She now says she's not going back to school.

I sorry it's so long. Where do I go from here? Do I keep off and email the school? I just don't know where to start.

Well the hair thing is outright discrimination! Have you emailed the head teacher and outlined what is going on? It sounds like your child is being bullied by the teacher. Could she change classes? Will she get a different teacher next year? I'd probably call in sick for the rest of this week, but I'd be getting very angry at the school right now.

Thank you for your reply. I haven't send an email yet. I have compiled one. I think this has brought it to a head. The question is do I just let her not go in and email the school in the morning? I'm not someone who takes my kids out of school unless for sickness.

Well it sounds like the teacher is very inexperienced and is basically punishing her instead of working with her. I would ask for a meeting with the head of year and support her to stay off until then.

I'm assuming you've had parent meetings with the teacher as we're now towards the end of the school year. Have you brought this up with them and what has the teacher's response been? I think a request to have a talk with the teacher would be the best way forward - can you catch them at drop off and ask when you can go in? I suppose the good thing is that there's only a few weeks left of the school year! Hopefully your DD will have a better relationship with her new teacher.

Wow this is such a tough situation for you. I work in secondary and these types of situations don't really arise because each student has so many teachers, not one all the time.
I do see a fair few children struggle with their feelings and not be able to maintain the sort of good attendance needed to do well academically.
I think you do need a meeting at school. But you also need I think to talk to your child and find out how she wants to progress. Change classes change schools? It sounds as if whatever has gone wrong is becoming a generalised problem with school.
You do sound sensible though and it will help whoever deals with this at school if you know what you want going into the meeting.
I wish I could help more. Good luck.

Sounds like it would be valid to keep her off school. This is anxiety if she is so worried about school she can't face attending surely?

Have you ever discussed this with the teacher? I feel like my advice would differ if you have.

If you haven't I would keep dd home a few days make it clear to her you care and you are trying to sort it while also doing as you have done and explaining teachers have a very hard job and usually are not horrible people. Email the teacher (in writing not via phone call- this is very important) and make it clear your dd is being bullied and the bullying policy is not being followed (look it up and quote it). Ask how they will protect your dd going forward. Also say dd feels bullied by teacher and while you are not complaining you are very worried about your child's emotional health and would like to discuss how the teacher will be supporting her to not feel so picked on in future. I'd also mention the inequality with the loose hair, possibly do make a formal complaint about that if you believe it to be racially motivated.

If you have in fact already discussed your daughters experience/interpretation with the teacher and your child is still telling you this stuff go straight in with a formal complaint to the head and demand to know what is going to be done to protect your child. But you need to make it very clear you are keeping your child off due to anxiety- it needs to be a medical reason not a reaction to you being pissed off with the school or you will get fined.

If your dd feels able to return before the end of this school year then you email with an account of every single thing she comes home and tells you has happened.

I have one child who was genuinely bullied by a teacher and other students (the TA told me) it lead to school refusing and increased extremely challenging behaviour. School closed ranks and protected the teacher. He's got complex send so is still out of school while the LA fail to find him a school place. My other child is like you describe your dd very very chatty but as good as gold lovely girl but I would imagine her chatty mess is frustrating for a teacher trying to teach. My dd is autistic and adhd I think although not diagnosed (me and her brother are diagnosed). She gets anxious and tries to refuse school. But she's a compliant child and if I want to I can pressure her into attending. However when you do this you make the problem worse for neurodiverse children it forces them to mask more and struggle when they don't have the reserve and will lead to a longer time needed to recover. So now I will allow my dd a mental health day as I know it means one day off not a whole week

Thank you everyone who has messaged. I did get much sleep last night. DP has gone to work so it's all on me this morning.

To answer a few questions. I haven't spoken. To the teacher direct about this. She has spoken to me about her not listening and getting distracted in her work. She has also been quite condescending to me about some medical care we chose to give her.

I'm not denying she maybe chatty and distracted. I didn't want to be that parent who thinks my child is perfect and it's all the teachers fault.

My plan is to see how she is this morning. Either way my email will be sent in this morning because if she goes in today I cannot guarantee she will go in tomorrow or the next. My fear is, ifI let her off today she'll think she won't have to go back.

I feel sick but it's probably not as bad and DD feels.

Sounds like it would be valid to keep her off school. This is anxiety if she is so worried about school she can't face attending surely?

This attitude right here is why schools are having so many problems. The immediate response to a child not wanting to go to school should never be 'ok darling forget being a responsible member of society, check out of daily life because...anxiety' it should be 'unfortunately we all have to do things we don't like and deal with people we don't like sometimes. Not going to school isn't an option as you absolutely have to get an education but lets talk about what's going on, some ways you can cope with it and see if I need to speak to anyone at school'

I'm not saying we shouldn't be sensitive to mental health needs and adapt where possible but we're dangerously close to teaching the next generation of kids that they are entitled to never feel in the least bit uncomfortable. This is not the reality of life unfortunately and society will crumble if we start acting like it is

what medical care have you chosen to give her that the teacher is condescending about?

I would send her in, certainly, or you are setting a precedent for life, and might not be back track in later years.

You need to reassure her you are contacting the school about how she is feeling, personally, I would have done this months ago

A little update.

I did keep her off school. I get the PP who was anti this and I agree the word anxiety is used far too often. My DD is really resilient which is why I was so worried at the sudden difference in her.

So I kept her off and send a long email to the head of the school detailing examples DD has given. With an hour I had a call from safeguarding because the head was unavailable. Within 2 hours the head called to arrange a one to one with DD and then me.

It turns out DD is not the first to raise concerns. Anyway they have believed her and taken all issues onboard. She will be going in tomorrow. Things are in place to check on her and it will be reviewed constantly.

The medical issue was a time when DD had a massively swollen leg where they pharmacist told us to get an urgent Dr appt because they were concerned. I tried by no GP appt was available so the surgery suggested I go to the out of hours GP facility at the local hospital. Teacher approached me the next day to mentioned DD was faffing scratching her leg. When I told her we had seeker medical attention from the local out of hours service and I that it was in hand the teacher berated me for wasting their time on such a minor issue. If she can speak to a parent like that god knows what's she's like to the students.

Anyway thanks for the advice and a bit of a handhold.

Not read through but there's a fb group called not fine in school

They're really helpful