My Yr 1 daughter has changed

[LilyRises]

Hello,

Looking for some advice and support.

My daughter started her school strong, she loved reception. Yr 1, from September to December she would enjoy going to school. She would talk about all the lovely things she'd get up to.

However, January, one of her peers in her class started bullying her. Her and this child have known eachother since nursery, they were not in the same class in reception but in the same class in Yr1. My daughter would mention things this child would do to her but it didn't seem to bother her greatly and we would often encourage her to speak to her teacher and ignore the behaviour. Unfortunately, It seemed to get worse when they got back from xmas break.

I had a good rapport with her mum, so I tried to speak to her mum about what my daughter was experiencing with her child. My approach was very gentle and non judgemental because it was really important for me to show my daughter the importance of dealing with disagreements sensibly. Doing this did not go in my favour tho and the bullying continued.

Anyway, we quickly got the school involved and they were slow to put proper measures in place to ensure this child stopped bullying her. Meanwhile my daughter's mental health started to decline. From nightmares to refusing to go to school, self esteem low, confidence low, not enthusiastic about learning.

The child threatened my daughter twice, that's when the school finally saw it as bullying and put the appropriate measures in place.

Although, things have improved (there are some lingering issues still) my daughter has changed. She sees someone weekly for 15minutes who is supposed to support her with her confidence and self-esteem. I am considering counselling.

My daughter has been asking to go to a new school, almost every day she asks. We are considering it.

But I want to know what other parents would do. Would you keep her at the school and persever, hoping things get better or would you move her to a new school and start fresh.

Apologies for the long post and thanks in advance.

So sorry to hear your daughter has suffered like this. She is still so little and to be bullied to this extent is brutal. I would continue to listen to her and let her talk her feelings openly at home so she has a safe place where she is heard. Continue to talk to school and don't let them drop it. I would in parallel do visit new schools to understand if there is a better fit for your daughter. Check the facilities and discuss her current situation to see how the new school will help and support her. Her mental health and happiness is paramount.

I would move her.

I moved my DD half way through year 1 because her previously sunny personality was becoming grey and anxious and her worrying about school was pervading evenings, weekends and the holidays. The issue at her school was a teacher rather than a child but the head had no intention of guiding the teacher out of her bullying ways so I also didn't have faith in the head.

The change in my DD was immediate. She skipped happily into her new school and skipped out happily at the end of the day too whereas previously she would be withdrawn at both ends of the school day.

Of course, your DD will encounter bullying behaviours at whatever school she goes to but you'd be very unlikely for it to be to the same level and also some schools are infinitely better than others at dealing with it.

You could also tell the school either they agree to put her and the dc in seperate classes for next year or you will move schools.

I would definitely consider moving schools if that's what your daughter wants. The school should have responded immediately before it got to the point where your daughter was threatened.
You could also consider out of school classes that might help her confidence - something creative/sporty. This will also help give her a group of friends outside of school which is a lovely thing to have.

Change schools immediately.

Next year?? The problem is happening NOW and the girl is miserable, mental health is really suffering.

I do agree with just getting on with it. Otherwise your DD might spend the summer holidays anxious about going to the new school. If she can have a few weeks there before the holidays to settle in a bit that would seem preferable to me.

I was going to suggest a new school before your daughter mentioned it but the fact she has actually asked you I would definitely look into it.
Year 1 is still a young year group and better to move her now than further down the line when things might get harder.
Also a school needs to take it seriously and do all they can to support your daughter and if they can't for whatever reason it's best to find a school that can.
Larger schools are good in the sense there's more kids to make friends with but also it can be easier for some children to get lost in the background due to it being very busy and noisy.
Smaller schools staff can pick up on things more although fewer children to make friends with. Perhaps a school somewhere in the middle.

We moved dd in the last term of reception for very similar reasons - she was being bullied at school and became such a sad and withdrawn little thing. School were very indifferent to her loneliness in the playground (she told me that she played with her thumbs because no one else would play with her) and the final straw was when I went in to a wonder week lesson and she just sat on her own at the back - no involvement in the lessons either, she had just
withdrawn into a shell.
I withdrew her that afternoon and she started back after the holidays at a different school (ended up going private because there were no spaces elsewhere but that’s a different can of worms). She was a different child within the week.
Best parenting decision ever (even though I’m still paying for her education 10 years later!).

Aww this was a heartbreaking read, really makes me mad that the mum brushed you off over it too I'd be bullying the mother to make her know how it feels. Sorry thats poor advice and would probably make things worse but I'm mad reading this

I would move her. This sort of thing can continue until year 6 in my experience. Tell the school why you are moving too. The bully will no doubt move onto another victim.

Move her, give her a clean slate and a chance to quickly reset her confidence.

I'd be taking her visit prospective schools asap. If a child with low self esteem and low confidence is willing to do something as scary as move schools that's a big sign as to how unhappy she is right now. You can still arrange for additional support or external counselling if you feel she needs it.

Just move schools. We did this and were very anxious about it because it meant moving two children but they both thrived. You won’t change things where you are and it’ll only make your dd feel even more powerless, so time for a fresh start. Game changer.

Move her. The rest of this term is a long time when you're 6. The rest of primary school is perpetuity. I left primary school 40 years ago, and I'm still not sure I can ever forgive my parents for not moving me when I was consistently bullied (for years, same girls) despite begging and begging.

I'd done one of two things:

Encourage your daughter to retaliate to this girl,

Or

Go back to the school and tell them to get serious

No point speaking with the parents, they have no control over their child's behaviour at school.

The gentle method you're using obviously isn't working.

And your daughter is suffering because of it.

Its already end of year?! Schools finish in 4-7 weeks! She could also insist on separate classes and homeschool for rest of year if it is that bad.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I've had to condense my post because there is more to it, more layers to the story.

I have not experienced this before so we are doing our best to support her at home, we are listening to her and providing empathy. We are not the shouty, gun blazing type of people (not that thats a bad thing as such). We are advocating for her and making sure her voice is being heard at school. We've had several meetings with the school, particularly about her well being so they are fully aware.

Dad and I are leaning towards homeschooling but considering all our options. Unfortunately the schools near by are not the best thats why there's some hesitation.

Thanks again everyone, especially the ones who shared their own experiences, it really helps to know you're not alone.

@SamPoodle123

How is it already end of year, if there are 4-7 weeks to go?!! That's not end of year then is it? Potentially 2 more months.

OP has already said the school won't change classes.