Navigating the start of reception with my undiagnosed neurodiverse 4 year old

[MamaRobyn]

My daughter is currently in her 3rd nursery setting since she was 18months. She is due to start reception in September where she has attended nursery this year but we are not sure if we are making the best decision for her. If you have the time to read through this I’d honestly appreciate any of your views…

She’s a very sociable, bright and very much liked child and has always made friends in every setting. She left first setting because she was “becoming very active” compared to the other children and found listening challenging compared to her peers. They had an ofsted inspection and coincidently asked me if she could swap days that week. They tried to reiterate that it wasn’t due to the inspection but I wasn’t convinced. That spoke volumes to me so we moved her.

We moved her to a nursery in a prep school with the view for her to go into their reception. Again, very happily sociable and making friends but the nursery expected my daughter to sit at the table or on the carpet for long periods of time (She had just turned 3 at this point and was one of the youngest in there). They suggested a period of occupational therapy. The occupational therapist said my daughter was presenting with sensory processing disorder. Fidget toys and wobble cushions were brought into the nursery specifically for my daughters use. A few weeks later, I watched my 3 year old daughter stand on a stage with her nursery class performing a song with actions. She was put at the very end of the line with a member of staff and given a fidget toy to play with. You could see she was so confused with what she was being asked to do as the other children weren’t obviously given one and doing actions. In that instance it wasn’t helping her. As she had just begun the OT sessions at that point I chose to not mention how I felt my child was made to feel confused and segregated and watch and wait.

So after my daughter was half way through her occupational therapy sessions I went to the schools learning support lead to discuss how she’s getting on. She said that they had seen “slight improvement” and proceeded to lightheartedly suggest that a mainstream school could be in her best interests because right now she’s still not able to sit still like the rest of her peers when needed for learning. Furthermore she believed that my daughter would struggle with their 4+ entry assessment and ultimately their 11+ assessment. Again, let me stress she had just turned 3 at this point. My husband and I took this to the headteacher where it was denied and ultimately was a he said, she said situation. Anyway, we ended up doing 3 months of Occupational Therapy sessions for my daughter to then be discharged after review because “there was major improvement with resources used” and “she didn’t currently need OT sessions anymore if resources were continued to be used”. We moved her into our nearest schools nursery class with the hope that she would stay this time.

She began the third and final nursery setting with the nursery teacher having her reports from the previous two nurseries and the occupational therapy’s initial assessment report plus the review. I spoke with the SenCo and nursery teacher who from the reports, said they likely expected my daughter to need more support throughout the year and reassured me that we would be regularly updated. I was told after a few weeks that they felt regular updates weren’t needed because she’s “been absolutely fine”. Apparently she’s not needed extra provision for any sensory processing needs and has settled extremely well into the nursery. She has had a lot more space outside to play freely and again has made good friendships. All feedback I’ve been given is mostly positive apart from her eating at lunchtime and that “she is extremely stubborn if she doesn’t want to do something” (she has limited foods she will eat and we are looking into the possibility that this is more than fussy eating - another post for another time). She’s got a place for reception and I’ve been told that they “have no worries” and haven’t seen anything that suggests sensory processing/neurodiversity.

End of story right? Great! Let her start reception and forget about the other settings she’s had in her little life so far!! But this year especially, she is coming home extremely over stimulated. She hits me, kicks me, shouts or screams most evenings even after an after school park play, a 4 day nursery week, visual resources and sensory equipment. She won’t sit at the dinner table and hasn’t eaten a “normal” meal in one go since she was 18 months old. Bed times still take 3 hours a night because she can’t relax until she’s exhausted. My husband, family and friends all believe she has AuDHD with a possible PDA profile and so do I. Interestingly the friends we have made outside of nursery are neurodiverse too. We are still currently waiting on assessment.

Also, like a lot of us at the moment, I’ve just been late diagnosed with AuDHD. We think my husband is undiagnosed autistic too. I’ve been told I’ve likely masked the majority of my life and I believe that this year my daughter has now learnt to mask in the nursery environment and no wonder. Ultimately I don’t want history repeating itself for my daughter and will do everything I can to support her.

I’m concerned that as she goes higher up the school she won’t have the opportunity to self regulate during the day like she does now. Reception has a smaller outside learning space compared to nursery and no forest school. Locally it’s known as a wonderful school and my daughter, masking or not seems very happy when she attends. All the other parents that received their child’s reception place last month are extremely happy but we’re just sitting on the fence because …

I have the ability to flexi school her and I’m able to keep her out of school one day a week to flexi school to try and help with over stimulation and her mental health as she tried to navigate primary school with highly likely AuDHD. The school is a two form entry, oversubscribed and an academy. The head and exec head seem rather dismissive and too busy even to say hello on passing. I haven’t approached them about doing flexi but I have my doubts already that any flexi school request after she reaches CSA will be rejected.

-Do I move her now into perhaps a smaller one from entry school that could potentially have the room to consider a flexi school approach as she goes through the school if needed?

-Do I keep her where she is and just see how it goes because she seems settled there and has made good friends?

-Do I ask about part time school and possible flexi schooling after she turns CSA before I make a decision?

Any views on this or any topics raised within our situation would be greatly appreciated!! Robyn xx

Ask any child psychologist worth their salt and they will tell you that children as young as your DD don't mask, because they have not got the cognitive skills or self awareness to do so at such a young age.
There is a very real danger in self diagnosing neurodiversity. Listen to the staff at school. Stop making such drastic changes to her life - 3 nurseries in 2+ years is a lot!

She might just be exhausted. My kids wouldn't have coped with 4 full days nursery (they were still having an afternoon nap until they started reception!) never mind trips to the park after school.

ND or not, she's a human child first and foremost. I'm not convinced children need "sensory equipment" or "visual resources" - they just need some quiet time at home.

I don't know what the answer is but the SEND board is full of friendly people with a lot of collective knowledge. Maybe re post there?

To me flexi sounds good. A lot of childrem aren't ready for formal learning (though reception does include play based learning I know), especially if they are a child who gets overstimulated. Maybe a calm day would be good for her and see what school/s say about how they might approach her 1st year at school.

Keep us posted! My DS was diagnosed at 6 with dyspraxia, then other stuff as well down the line.

Always trust your instincts and get diagnoses as it becomes appropriate. Is she under NHS paediatrics? I'd ask for referral from GP. They can refer on as appropriate and it gives you a paper trail of your and their observations.

I didn't mean 'get diagnoses', like you're shopping in Tesco, I meant seek assessment to see if Ed psychs or clinical psychs or whoever is involved see evidence of conditions. Sorry, more sleep needed.

She might have “learned to mask”
or she might have just gained some maturity and settled well but is (understandably) tired at the end of the day. I’d keep an open mind at this stage and start her off with a normal school timetable, but be prepared to make adjustments if needed. When is her birthday? (wondering where she falls in school year, as deferral is also an option for summer borns, which is April
onwards).

She's had an awful lot of change and upheaval around her education/childcare so far, that's a lot for any child. I have a good friend who was diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood, she self diagnoses lots of people in her social circle, at work etc, because they share certain traits she associates with her ADHD. Please be mindful but to overcompensate your lack of diagnosis by diving into one for her. Masking isn't usually possible at that age, and lots of children become overstimulated and exhausted in almost full time childcare. She's also moved settings three times and is probably very confused about what's expected of her, which in itself will be difficult for her to manage and will be mentally tiring, trying to second guess what the adults want now.

Leave her where she is and let her settle. Moving is disruptive and confusing for young children.

Current place says she is fine. Believe them.

Problems at bedtime and with meals are extremely common in young children and don't necessarily mean there is a diagnosis.

Next term is when schools really do the transition for nursery to school. They will do visits, share information and meet the children. Some children need a longer transition and will be flagged up by the nursery.
If you don't think the nursery will raise things then you can ask to speak to the school SENCo to discuss your concerns.
The trouble you have is that if things are ok at nursery then it's difficult to predict what they can do at school so it may be a case of wait and see how she settles.
It's far harder to settle a child in school if they're not there for the full time and a Flexi schooling request is often really difficult to get approved. Schools are accountable to the local authority for their attendance figures so it's not necessarily something the head will just agree. Before she is of statutory school age is a little different though.
What you have described is quite a lot of upheaval and change in routine/expectation in her short life. Children can react to this in a way which presents as neuro diverse but it isn't necessarily that. Or it's both.
IME, a small school may be good for nurturing a child but they have less resources so can't always manage things well as they don't have the staff or space.

You have said that you suspect AuDHD.

Have you pursued a referral for assessment? With the documentation from the first two nurseries then your GP should have been able to refer.

It sounds like you and she would both benefit from help. National Autistic society may be useful as they run peer parent support groups and no diagnosis is necessary.

The meal situation and the bedtime situation are obviously not ideal but the violence is concerning.

Have you been able to access any support for that? First line is usually the triple P parenting course.

It was really difficult at this age, as behaviour alternatively became more or less intense - there were times when I was convinced she was nd, and then others when I was convinced she wasn’t. Things that I Thought might be ASD flags disappeared as she aged, but then other behaviour that was more borderline age related behaviour (meltdowns) became more of a differentiator as she grew older.

we ultimately are pursuing a diagnosis at age 7, end of y2. I am glad we waited because I now feel like I have a better sense of who she is, but we were at a super supportive school, and it had never felt critical in terms of giving her the support she needs. We switched her part way through reception as she was an exhausted, over stimulated and disregulated mess at the end of every day. It was a highly regarded village school and oversubscribed but between the chaos of the classroom (31 kids) and the lack of interest in SEN that wasn’t actively disrupting the class, it meant it wasn’t a good fit for her.

The new school (private non selective) was very Sen friendly by reputation and offered smaller class sizes in a calmer environment. The teachers are very switched on in terms of accommodating, and will proactively suggest small adjustments that make it easier for dd (she is allowed to get up and sit elsewhere during carpet time, for example). They have lots of movement breaks and downtime where she has minimal demands and can just enjoy school, lots of time outside. It has made a massive difference in terms of her emotional and mental state at the end of the day - meltdowns are far less common, she is happy to get up and go to school every day, she isn’t on fumes come Friday. There have been bumps, but school has been very good about problem solving and bringing in extra expertise when needed. She is still a terrible sleeper, but I think that is never going to change, and something like melatonin might be in the cards at some point.

i think flexi school might make a not so supportive school more bearable, but if you can find the right school I don’t think it is necessary. Keep in mind that every year will be different - we have had years that were smooth sailing and others that were unexpectedly difficult where we felt like we needed to go back to basics and re figure everything out.

Have you pursued an assessment?
If not then I'd probably start with that. If I were you I'd keep her at the school she is currently at to start reception with her peers and see where you are a few terms into reception.
I wouldn't move her again as it will just unsettle her further.

As previous posters have said, try to keep an open mind regarding a diagnosis. You may be correct obviously, and you know her best but seems like she has made great inroads at nursery so maybe just see how things go for a while?

I'm a Reception teacher. It's impossible to tell without meeting your daughter whether she is neuro diverse or not. It definitely sounds like she displays potential traits, but then a lot of her behaviours also sound fairly typical of her age which is why her current setting are likely taking a wait and see approach. We have many children come into our setting who we monitor for potential asd or ADHD at that age. Some it is necessary to refer straight away as traits are so prominent and impacting in every aspect of their life, others it can be more a case of wait and see whether they are just age appropriate quirks they grow out of or whether it does become more apparent as they grow that they are neuro diverse.

I would say you have been very let down by previous settings who have singled her out for not slotting into their ideal. A 3 year old doesn't have to sit still to learn and should not be expected to. I would keep her where she is and see how she gets on in Reception before considering any more drastic changes.

I've met many parents over the years who are convinced their child is autistic or has ADHD at 3-5, who miraculously 'grow out of it' as they grow and mature. Obviously you can't just grow out of it, but a lot of typical EYFS behaviours can be mistaken for it, which is the danger of self-diagnosing.

Try to work with the school, not against them. You've had settings tell you there is a problem and haven't liked what they've put in place, you've got her current setting saying actually there might not be an issue and you're not satisfied with that. There needs to be a happy middle ground here. Do her current setting know the issues you're currently experiencing at home? This could just be age typical, as many 3 year olds have anger out bursts (especially when they sense change) and struggle to switch off, or could be a sign of something more. Give the school the full picture, as they can only report what they're seeing unless they know more. They might be able to sign-post you to outside agencies who can help with home life if they're fully aware of your struggles. Together, you'll all build a bigger picture to help future diagnosis if it is needed.

Good luck