Ver able six year old won't engage in lessons

[idontknow54789]

My six year old DS is very able - very good a reading, loves making up maths games, very interested in the world and science. However his teacher keeps telling me he won't engage with work at school, does the bare minimum. Won't talk to the teachers or answer questions.

He's always been quiet and sensitive but seems to have good friends at school and does enjoy going.

I've also never been able to get him to go to any outside clubs, will scream and cling to me and just isn't interested. He does go to a couple of clubs with school though so I've never wanted to force him.

At home he loves Lego, drawing, playing with his brother. And also loves Minecraft - he has limits on his iPad but would happily be on it all day given the choice.

Has anyone got any advice? I've tried talking to him but he just shuts down and gets upset. Should I reduce his iPad time until he engages more at school?

That sounds like my autistic very bright child, sounds like he's anxious. We were advised not to limit iPad though think a balance of activities is best.

Thanks for replying. I have long suspected autism but it's never been brought up at school and he seems very sociable. I'm not sure how to approach this with school though?

In general if a child is not showing their ability at school and is struggling to leave you it's usually anxiety.

You would be better working on getting him used to other people slowly and that will feed into greater confidence at school.

Can you enlist grandparents or an auntie or uncle to widen his social circle?

He quiet happily goes to his friends houses after school without me, and is fine in small groups of children he knows well. He'll also go to family fine. It's more people he didn't know he's not keen on.

You could ask to speak to the senco and say your concerns and hopefully they will be able to support in some way.

In our area either school or GP can refer but waiting lists are years long so it's very difficult. You can go private but it's expensive though that does give evidence for support if needed now or later. Mine could be sociable at primary but really struggled at secondary.

It could be anxiety alone though much of the support needed would be similar. Mine at that age we joined David Lloyd which was pricey but meant he would go to clubs there or swimming with me.

If he will do work at home it can be worth trying to do a bit and see what the issues are. Mine with English could do 1 sentence questions but would panic with longer things or the tests if he couldn't do say question 2 would refuse whole test even if he knew rest of it so had to teach him to skip questions he didn't know. Mine did not talk to most teachers at all but had one or two he would.

From what you have said it sounds like he is ok with other children just won't talk to the teacher (or presumably other adults he doesn't know?)

Could be situational mutism which is linked to autism.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/selective-mutism/

The UK is a big outlier in the early age we send children to school. Many children aren't ready for formal learning even at 6. Your child isn't deficient, it really is quite an arbitrary and unnatural activity that children are eventually trained into doing.

I can't see a world where punishing the child by taking away things they enjoy would help his engagement.

Keep doing fun enriching things together and see how he progresses as he gets older. Piling on pressure makes no sense for a six year old.

I think my DSs was selective mutism but NHS said at the time he hadn't and refused support but when at secondary it worsened a lot and they said it retrospect he was selective mute then, current diagnosis is autistic catatonia but that is a much more severe diagnosis and quite rare for them to give. But had support been put in place as we requested at secondary I don't think he ever would have become catatonic.

Ds was very like that at 6yo. He has ASD and ADHD diagnosed at secondary school.
He would never go anywhere by choice. Even if we go somewhere he loves on holiday he's asking when do we go home - he's 16yo now.

What I did with him is said he had to choose one afterschool activity. I didn't care what it was, but he had to go to one.
He chose drama because it was only an hour, and close so the least length of time.
He moaned every week for a term and a half. Then he came out and asked if he could do a second class.

It wasn't that was desperately keen for him to do something, but I felt doing nothing he was getting more and more shut inside, and he didn't like school either.

One thing that helped at school was his diagnosis, and following that they decided he could use a laptop. That made a huge difference because he hated writing, and he immediately engaged better. Maybe ask if that's a possibility to try?

First step would be to dial all the pressure down. Please don't punish him for not engaging at school, that would be awful. He is only six, not doing his GCSEs.

You need to start talking to school about investigating SEN if you think that may be a possibility and in the meantime support him to do everything he loves.

Do you talk to him a lot about school? He may also be resisting if there is a lot of pressure.

Our primary senco got an ed psych assessment and that was really helpful in explaining to the teachers he wasn't speaking to them or sometimes writing due to asd /anxiety.

Mine would tell me what was wrong in the middle of asking him about his day, it was often 10 minutes in you would get it but direct questioning didn't work. Also if I said I had a bad day (made up) he would then start talking about his bad day. Asd bright children are often perfectionists and can refuse tasks if they can't score very highly so some work around you can learn through getting things wrong was helpful but just very short phrases and mine may have been older when they did that. Mine got a TA in primary which helped but nothing at secondary. Mine loved maths and science but what he was interested in it, his special interests and responded well to praise. Its the speaking I would focus on try to help with as this causes issues longer term if say bullying happens.

I know this thread is from last year, but I’m wondering if OP has any updates? Looking for advice for my 5 year old DS as we are in a very similar situation with the school saying he won’t engage but he’s completely different at home. I feel like I could have written most of this post myself, my DS can be very shy with new settings/people but then very sociable with friends and family. He also loves Lego, drawing, playing out in the garden etc. but won’t leave our sides if we try to get him to go to a club. Any updates or advice would be great if you see this!