Quiet child struggling sitting beside boisterous children

[Mumof3onetwothree]

My daughter is very quiet, gentle and well behaved in class. She's in a large class with a group of 4 or 5 very extrovert and sporty boys . The boys know each other very well from lots of playdates and are quite disruptive. She is almost always put sitting next to at least one of the boys from this friend group. I have several times over the years asked for her to be moved when the teasing got very bad. She became very withdrawn and anxious in the first term of this year and after we were quite emphatic after Christmas she was moved next to two calm friendly boys (seating plan is always boy girl boy) and she was like a different child. Happy, content every day and all the anxiety gone. She has been in the school 4 years and I've never seen her so happy. The tables have just been rearranged and she is back in between two of the disruptive boys. Immediately she is back to her old self of being withdrawn, nervous, said she cried quietly in the yard etc.
My heart sank, I felt so panicky. I thought the teacher had finally understood as she'd been left with the nice boys for so long. I am so overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I think it's so so unfair to use a quiet child to solve a behaviour problem in another child. I have had the same discussion with each teacher she's had over the years. The teachers convey that they find me annoying and inconvenient and that she needs to learn to be around all personalities (but she is almost never seated beside well behaved children). I'm so non confrontational myself that it is a huge thing for me to speak to a teacher and I hate that they are so unreceptive of me. I'm feeling at the stage the only solution is to leave and find a school with smaller class size where there may be less behaviour issues. She has good friends in the class though which is the only reason I hesitate to move her.

You are doing the right thing by standing up for your daughter. Don't let the staff intimidate you into stopping, to make their days easier.
I had similar when I was at primary school, where I was made to be the helper of a boy who should have had a TA. It was my 'job' to teach him maths and English and he frequently lashed out at me, until my mum intervened.

The school does not give out email addresses. It's a deliberate policy implemented by the principal 'as the teachers are too busy to answer emails from parents and need to concentrate on teaching the children'. You can send handwritten notes. They don't like paper trails. You can email the office but you will never get a written reply.
There are no 'chatettes' with the teacher because the teacher doesn't come out in the mornings to collect the children from the line until parents have gone and often sends the class out at collection time with a different teacher.
The principal at one point told me I don't know what bullying is and there has never been a case of bullying in the school. I was told there's not much you can do for timid children like her and it has been implied that if she does extra curricular activities that's good enough and that I'm an overly precious parent. The principal in fact went into the classroom and in front of the class said that id been phoning in and named the child that my daughter had been struggling with which was humiliating for her and meant that the parent of the other child won't speak to me at the gate. It was deliberate retaliation to my request to put me off contacting the school again.
Many parents think good parenting is removing their children from the school and moving on because the principal behaved so badly and at all times discourages parent involvement and communication. Many children have left for this reason.
There are also other parents who think what you are suggesting is helicopter parenting and the child should be left to get on with things. That's what the school's attitude is. Your suggestion of hanging around till you ensure the child has been moved would result in the principal coming out and telling you off and would be unlikely to achieve the desired result. She has been known to tell parents who have tried to speak to her in the mornings to stop telling her how to run her school. In front of all the children.

The principal at one point told me I don't know what bullying is and there has never been a case of bullying in the school.

So they're a liar or a complete idiot then.

I'd look at what moving options are - but also keep up outside activities - especially social ones like brownies/guides as it does make a difference seem to help them see school the issue not them.

If school won't budge - and you can see detrimental affect on her - I think moving may be only option. Some kids do take issues with them others find problems disappear with a different cohort.

Poor kid is being used as a buffer between to disruptive kids. Just because she is quiet and compliant.
Please be the squeaky wheel and get her moved.

If what you are saying is true, speak your the head. Or more your child to another school.

Deliberate strategy to intimidate parents into not speaking up. They don't want bullying complaints as technically they would then have to deal with them.

I think your last post fills in the gaps in the earlier ones. Remove your daughter. This school will not get any better if the HT refuses to accept there's bullying. All schools have bullying. What the better ones have is a robust policy and immediate action. Her unprofessional way of dealing with your complaint would confirm that this is not the right environment for your child.

Thank you yes it's hard to know. Some schools locally have much smaller classes and I assume that means the class would be better behaved.
She's always happy in the summer holidays and at her activities.

In light of your most recent post, it seems clear that the Head won't do anything, so start looking for alternative schools.
However, just so that you are aware, it is normal policy for schools not to give out teachers email addresses and for parents to send any correspondence via the office. I think you should send an email anyway, just so you know you've done what you can and acted reasonably. If there is no response, then you'll know for sure that moving schools is the right choice.
In my school, we would take a request like yours seriously. But if a Head denies that there has ever been a single incident of bullying in your school, it sounds like they are not across current best practice. It's not considered an acceptable way of running a school and makes them look devoid of understanding of the issues around bullying.

Yes. It's just that she has friends that she loves. Perhaps another school would have a smaller class and better management but then is it worse to have no close friends. The friend groups seem to be very established in this age group.

Thank you.
Yes I mentioned that about the email address because of the suggestion to have a paper trail by another poster....there isn't really a way of doing that as any replies are by phone and there definitely wouldn't be a written reply about interpersonal issues or bullying.
I am guessing that there are so many bullying complaints that she was trying to intimidate me out of saying anything. It has kind of worked as I am now very reluctant to attempt to speak to teachers in case it backfires and makes things worse for my child.

The more you say about this school the worse it sounds. I think moving might be a sensible option.

However, OP I want to give you some advice that another mum gave me many years ago and has stood me in good stead: it is your job to advocate for your child. Everyone else, regardless of how nice they are or how good their intentions, has other priorities - budget, time, other children's well-being, personal agenda, etc. The only person at a school whose main concern is the wellbeing of your child is you, and while they are too little to advocate for themselves, it is your job to do so. Of course, do it politely - but do it. And if the teacher is irritated, so be it. If the principal doesn't like you, who cares. It is more important to politely but firmly advocate for the wellbeing of your child than that the teacher likes you. As you have already noticed, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Squeak.

I've had this with my DS, now 9, since he started school. I've had my fill and he's moving school (private) in August. The behaviour in his class got worse post Covid and there are a contingent of children including my DS who are used to appease other children and spend time in the 'quiet room' with them. I went through a phase of endlessly complaining, he would be moved, and then tables re-shuffled and he's back again. He has a stammer and recently diagnosed with dyslexia (not identified by school) and his anxiety is getting worse. I don't have the time to be at the school continuously so we will now pay for his education. Not a route we saw ourselves going down but here we are.

Yes. I've advocated a lot for her. However there have been incidents in which for example the principal has come into the classroom and spoken the the class teacher about my daughter loudly enough for the class to hear. She gets very embarrassed so I now am cautious as those incidents make things worse for her.

So sorry to hear this. I know the feeling. That's especially for a hard for child with dyslexia who really needs a quiet classroom in order to learn.
Wishing your son all the best and I hope it works out really well for him.

Get an informal meeting with the teacher but don't say your DD is being used as a behaviour strategy. You mention teasing which is bullying so explain the impact on her and say you really do need her to be placed away from those bullying her.

Oh god this pisses me off so much. My child is often used as a buffer for the more disruptive boys and has been on the receiving end of them lashing out. She has most definitely been disproportionately partnered with the most difficult children because she is well behaved but also because she will stand her own ground and tell them when they’re pissing her off. It’s almost worst that yours has been in that role when she’s so quiet and prone to anxiety. Mine feels like it is a punishment for being good which isn’t the best message.

I don’t think you can ask for her to always be separated from them (although that hasn’t stopped me trying) but you can keep an eye on whether it feels disproportionate or to ask the school how they are meeting her needs when she can’t learn and what they are doing to support her.