Reception child struggling - move class or school?

[Catkincat]

Hello. I have a reception aged DD who has struggled to settle into her school. She was very happy at nursery, had lots of friends and was toilet trained.

Since we’ve started at school she has struggled to settle - she’s very clingy in mornings (this has lessened but still a slight issue) and talks about missing me a lot while at school. She has talked to me several times about kids leaving her out (some of the kids went to the school nursery so were already established friends) and recently asked if she could move schools because everyone in her class has a best friend who they play with at lunch time and she doesn’t have one. We’ve tried doing play dates with some of the kids. One of them we’ve had quite a few play dates with and they play together okay (although more alongside than with each other!), but she is still leaving DD out at school. I just don’t think she really likes DD (which is fair enough but just a bit tricky for DD to understand). The other is a boy who has a best friend already. I’ve found the school mums a lot less friendly than at nursery so have struggled a bit with organising play dates beyond that. I’ve also had bad anxiety, with all the stuff at school, the cosleeping and generally being perimenopausal, so I just haven’t really been in the place to be super outgoing.

Aside from the friendship issues, DD started wetting herself around the end of the first half term (end of October). This has continued to be an issue, apart from about 4 weeks of dryness before Christmas. Some days she just has a few leaks, but most days she wets herself at least once (sometimes up to 4 times). She also started wanting to cosleep with me every night. All in all it feels like a massive regression and that she isn’t that happy there. I’m also worried that the kids have started to notice that she has so many accidents (she’s the only one who wets herself that frequently). The girl we do the play dates with said ‘she always wets herself’ so I do think some of them are picking it up.

I went to see the school (have seen them previously about the ‘leaving out’ stuff to see if they could support her playing with other kids) and I would say overall her teacher made me feel slightly like I was overreacting. Her view is that all the kids play together, the kids who went to the school nursery together (who DD mentioned as leaving her out) are very welcoming. She doesn’t think the other kids notice the wetting. She admitted she is not there at lunchtime so doesn’t know what happens then.

I just don’t know what to do for the best. Move class? Move school? Or just hang on with the current class/kids and hope things improve? I’m very stressed and anxious with it all. Any advice would be really gratefully received. And sorry this is so long!

We moved our child half way through reception and it was the best decision we ever made. She is now so settled at the new school and doing well. Of course niggles will arise as kids can be a right pain in the arse at falling out and being best friends again the next day, but it is nowhere near as bad as the old school. We got our lovely happy child back within a week of moving school.

Thanks so much for replying. Could I ask how the school reacted to you moving? Our school made it seem like moving school would be a very extreme reaction (in a sort of slightly unheard of way). Obviously I’m conscious that she could continue to have issues at a new school (and the kids might already have established friends).

Quite honestly the school gave up when they found out the school we had got a place in as they knew they were inferior to the new school so they didn't really say anything in the end.

No real friendships are formed in reception. They chop and change all the time. I wouldn't be worried about that.

I moved my son to a new school at Christmas after being in reception since September and not settling in at all. It was hard watching him struggle so much after being so happy in preschool and it was even taking over our weekends where he would just be so sad. I was very nervous about whether it was the right decision and if I'd given it enough time. The school made it quite difficult to leave and were completely against it and made that very known however, it was the BEST decision I've ever made! My son settled in within two weeks and he is so happy at the new school. He was back to his normal happy self within that time and he's been thriving ever since!

I would definitely look at other schools and see where has spaces. How big is her current school? Do you like the look of the other schools. You could even tell them why you are leaving the current school and see what they do to help introduce new students.

You've both stuck it out for a while and it doesnt sound like there's been much improvement or that the school is being much help. I think you have nothing to lose in moving her and I hope she settles. Sending hugs as I know it's really hard.

Thank you all for replying it’s so helpful!
This was her first choice school and I do think it’s a good school academically but she just seems to be struggling. I just wonder if a fresh start might help, but just worried about creating more settling problems. It’s so hard as it’s all guesswork.

The school did suggest that we could find out who else she is friends with in different classes and consider moving her class (there are three in total).

I’m so torn but don’t want to ignore what DD is saying and have another difficult year for Year one.

Some of what you describe is really normal - both of mine have had (multiple) bouts of cosleeping that last anywhere from a few days to several months before reverting back to their own beds. My almost 7yo has arrived in my bed the last couple of nights, having not done so outside of sickness in about a year. Sometimes they just need the extra security - it has never been a big deal, and they have always reverted back to sleeping through the night on their own. One of mine also was prone to accidents when more stressed or tired or distracted, and this continued through y1. Now y2 and no accidents so far this year. It is quite stressful when it is happening, but I think it is somewhat common during normal times of transition and the additional stress that can bring.

that said, I would trust your gut about the school. We moved ours after Christmas in reception as one was really struggling and generally not impressed with the school. It was the right decision, and dc thriving in new environment, but a lot of that is down to finding a school that is a better fit. My one bit of advice would be to look at other schools and see if you can find one that you are genuinely excited about - don’t just leave because you don’t like this school, as the next one might not be any better. You need something to run towards rather than run away from.