4yr old behind all peers

[Otter2108]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some advice from experienced mums.

My 4yr old son (summer born) is in Reception. His class has a lot of summer born children and is in a class of 30 children 1 teacher, 1 TA.

He is so good at home, he's no problem although has moments where he doesn't listen etc. His teachers pull me aside near enough everyday and say he's hit someone, been in time out, not listening and also said he's very behind in every subject... Reading, writing everything.

I'm devastated and dread the school run.

I've asked whats triggering him to hit and if they've saw the whole incident and they say someone took something from him or they say he sometimes instigates the issue.

I'm suprised because he never hits or snatches anything from his 6yr old sister and is a very loving and kind boy.

I feel I should move him schools. I sometimes feel the teachers are exaggerating issues for example pulling me aside to tell me he's had a bad day because he was running and screaming about a bee being in the classroom (he gets that fear from me).

I'm at a loss.... I do reading and writing at home and give him loads of praise which he loves and finishes the book/writing with no problem.

Any advice?

I think you need to find out the issue of him hitting other children. The academic side isn't as much a problem and he can catch up later.

I don't believe his teachers are exaggerating. Children behave very differently at home vs in school. His sister might be a lot more tolerating, and will let him 'win'. His peers will not. DC2 is very loud and assertive with her sister, but is very quiet at school, for example. Totally different characters.

Instead of just talking at pick up, is it possible for you to arrange a meeting with the teacher or TA to talk about how you can help with his behaviour?

Thanks for you're response :-)

We have recently had parents evening where we discussed the behaviour and they said he wasn't the worst in class but the class is big and sometimes it's difficult to watch all at the same time.

The teachers have said he hits when someone hits him or takes something off him.

I don't think they're exaggerating with hitting but pulling me aside for his response to a bee flying in the class is a bit petty. I don't know what they expect me to do?

You could ask for him to repeat reception. Year 1 is a big step up compared to reception.

Join the Facebook group Flexible school admissions for summer borns. There’s lots of knowledgeable people on there who can provide advice, as well as a
others who have been in your situation.

Is this a newly qualified teacher that's anxious about progress ?
It's not normal for a teacher to be highlighting issues daily re 4 year old normal behaviour.
Some reception kids can barely communicate / aren't properly toilet trained etc ... is it a normal state school?

He's 4. Being 'behind' is unlikely. Any teacher who said that is being unrealistic unless he has delayed speech, toilet training etc. Have you tried talking to the TA and getting a second view?

He's still working out how to deal with his classmates and that's not unusual. I wouldn't get too upset yet, just calmly keep working with him on his reading & writing, and playing with his sister. The issues will iron themselves out with time.

It's a normal Catholic primary school. The teacher and ta have both been there a while.

I find it odd too, it's everyday and each time I question what's actually happened they say they didn't see the whole incident. I honestly think they cannot handle the class.

It’s probably a very tricky class, and I suspect you’re right in that the teacher and TA might be struggling. That’s no reflection on them by the way, some year groups can just be a bad mix! He’s still only 4, don’t panic. But do talk to him at home about how to handle situations at school, encourage him to tell the teacher (even if he has to wait for their attention). Read stories about difficult social situations. Talk about kind hands etc…

Good grief, 4yo is so young to start school. One of mine didn't start school until he was a few weeks away from being 6yo. We are in Scotland. They are just babies aged 4. Such high expectations of a young child (not you OP, the education system in general). I am a huge advocate for late starts for children who would benefit from it.

Three out of four of mine started aged 5.1y, 5.4y and just turned 5yo.

On a practical level, speak with your son's teacher. Arrange a meeting. Good luck 👍.

How was preschool

My eldest was like this in reception and is awaiting asd/adhd referral

I helped out in my son’s reception class of 30 children. I cannot see how teacher or TA isn’t seeing some of what’s happening. I appreciate I never saw everything, but classrooms aren’t that big. My Son was born in March so one of 4 of the youngest. All 4 needed more help with their work and reading and the difference between them and the September children was considerable, but I never considered him behind for his age, it just took a little longer.

I think that four is really too young for quite a lot of children to be in school. I know it's the norm but I don't think it's optimal. It can be stressful for the children, stressful for the teachers and stressful for the parents!

I used to completely dread pickup time when DS was in reception. Every day there would be a report from the teacher about how my DS was falling short in one way or other. Who wants to hear that - as the teacher would frequently tell me - DS isn't managing something and all the other kids are?

I would go home and cry on a regular basis.

It was only later as I got to know some of the other mothers better that I discovered they were going home to cry too!

The teacher was overwhelmed, I think, and off-loading on the parents of the higher maintenance children. But I can't really blame her. It's a very artificial environment for a motley crew of four year olds to be in and a big ask for teachers to keep some semblance of order.

At that age my DS would have been happier at home. I would have been happier to have him at home. And the teacher would have been happier too not to have to deal with him. But I fell in with social norms and regret it a bit.

I'm not sure how helpful this is but just wanted to let you know I, and several other mothers I know, have been there and got the grubby t-shirt!

It's not uncommon - and I would say understandable - to hit someone who has nabbed 'your' stuff before you are socialised out of it and learn to negotiate. But teachers can sometimes make you feel that they've never seen the like of it before and you are raising a psychopath.

My DS is now at college and doing much better than I could ever have hoped after all the unhappy pickup encounters with the reception teacher.

Your DS will grow up too and become a perfectly respectable citizen. Good luck.

Is hte teacher only speaking to you after school, or other parents?
If it was a tricky class, I would expect her to be speaking to others. If it's just you, it does suggest that she sees your DS as more of a concern.

30 is the standard size for a reception class, and not all have a TA, so I don't think that is an issue, especially as they are both experienced.

I think you need to arrange a meeting with the teacher and get her to come up with some ways that the school/you can help your son - both behaviorally and academically. I think the behaviour issue probably needs addressing first, if he is young in his year, the academics will probably come later. Has the teacher indicated that she thinks there may be some form of SEN involved? If so, ask for a meeting with the Senco too.

Is hte teacher only speaking to you after school, or other parents?

The teachers have said he hits when someone hits him or takes something off him.

At the very least, one hopes that she is speaking to the parents of the pupils who are hitting the OP's DS and taking things off him in the first place? Yes, 'not retaliating' is a great thing to teach and expect, but 'not doing the thing to another in the first place which they must suffer without retaliating' isn't an unreasonable ideal.

There's a reason on average September born children have the highest level of achievement and August the lowest. You can swing that round by starting reception at CSA