Gifted or highly able, how to support?

[knopka]

Not a bragging space but asking for advice.
DC has always been ahead of peers in development; is multilingual and for example, learnt to read in English by watching alphablocks. Not highly unusual in the family context but clearly the child is very inquisitive, eager to learn, driven etc. Not just academically but also in other areas. Child is aged 6 and is in Y1.
Small independent school doesnt have gifted and talented policy and I am not entirely sure that they can support the child to achieve their best, overall the child is happy with learning at school but complains of being bored sometimes. No behavioral issues.
The school did do a GL based assesment earlier in the year and they came back very high but nothing was suggested and I feel like one of those pushy parents but all I want is for my DC to be happy and progressing at her pace rather than being held back.
WWYD? Is there such a thing as a test for giftedness that allows to support child's learning journey?

Yes I am familiar with the issue from my older ones and have an extensive library at home. My older ones had reading age of about 4-5 years ahead which starts getting really tricky around Y3-Y4.
I am trying to work with the school to help her integrate as she is new to the school, I just wish they were a bit more receptive in certain areas. Its work in progress.

You clearly never had a gifted child. Its me who needs a break 😂Giftedness comes in many forms

The trouble is that the ways you devise to entertain yourself aren't necessarily ones that the adults would approve of. As they say, the Devil makes work for idle hands (or minds in this case).

I know my mother wasn't exactly keen (absolutely incandescent, as I recall it, ironically enough) when she realised that I'd taught myself how to wire plugs/basic electrical maintenance and had gone around doing them properly unlike how they were and systematically rewired every appliance, gadget and doobrey in the house, for example. I didn't get her problem with it, personally, I was a whole eight years old, so clearly old enough to be dealing with electricity. And it wasn't me who had hedge trimmed through the power lead I replaced that led to the discovery.

She is a 6 year old child, of course she will get bored like any other 6 year olds do. She craves social interactions, not just sitting by herself and learning times tables. I would actually be worried that she is on the spectrum and needs support.
I really loathe the idea of moving her as its her first year at this scholl but I have to admit that I have looked at some local options online. However; they all come at the cost I dont think I can affford so I am trying to work with the school but I need to arm myself with knowledge.
Mumsnet will accuse me of being a pushy parent but parents of gifted kids will understand just how much work those kids can be if they are bored.

Anyhow, what about looking at her non-verbal and spatial skills by going into the practical application of things? Maybe not electrical maintenance right now, but engineering and construction problems, learning to use Excel, technical drawing (I know everything is done by computer now, but the ability to draw a scale plan of her room by hand is useful in measuring, accuracy, co-ordination & fine motor control), calculate how much flooring, how much wallpaper taking into account pattern drop and wastage, the most effective way of organising her stuff/design a garden for specific soil and weather conditions/privacy/wildlife - that kind of thing?

Make her useful and she'll be less bored and likely even more creative in positive ways.

@hiredandsqueak I have found my peer group at last!

You can't hold back a gifted child, for better or worse, their curiosity will find an outlet. Observe your child, what lights them up? Feed that passion. That's all there is to it. It's their gift, don't take over - that's a massive turn off for many gifted children who tend to also be highly independent - hence while many do extremely well at school, it's when they're doing their own thing that they really shine.

A number of your comments suggest social difficulties, OP. I know you are dismissive of people saying so, but I would be concerned about her finding it harder to make friends. It's very easy for gifted kids with poor social skills to retreat into the safe space that learning and academia provide...it is their comfort zone. In the long term, though, developing their social skills is likely to have a much bigger impact on their overall well-being.

I was that child, years ago, and while my parents weren't at all pushy, I wish that they had put more emphasis on supporting me to develop social skills and friendships with my peers instead of letting me retreat into books as I did. My teen years would have been so much happier for it. I made quite sure that I didn't make the same mistakes with my own dd.

It's great to stretch your child academically, but she needs balance as well. Extend her sideways rather than pushing forward with the stuff that she does in school.

@Medschoolmum Sometimes the social difficulties are a direct result of the giftedness. When my DD started primary her expectations about how long a game would last were way out of kilter with her friends, she couldn't talk to them about Harry Potter in Yr1, it was really hard for her and she felt very out of place. We tried to find her peers, which did help, but this was the main reason for choosing a selective school for secondary and she has thrived there.

I never really felt I found my place until university.

Amusing oneself is a skill like maths/languages. This may be the one that you need to be concentrating on and extending, so that she becomes gifted in that area too.

We had this problem, too, and solved it similarly. DD only wanted to play very long and detailed imagination games (and yes, talk about Harry Potter) and her friends wanted to run about at playtime at this sort of age. Things evened out a bit in upper primary. She's completely fine socially now (late teens).

Yes this. I have a very able adult DC who is just finishing a masters in a STEM subject. DC has always educated themselves by 'inhaling' books. Has also always been fascinated by all types of museums, no matter what the subject matter - reads all descriptions and labels and remember it all.

I sort of agree with this and I sort of don't.

Yes, the giftedness can certainly cause some social difficulties. However, these can be exacerbated if they are not appropriately addressed. Imho, children still need to learn how to relate to their peers effectively, and that takes social skills which may not come naturally.

Of course, there may be differences in attention spans or topics of interest etc, but if children can be taught to navigate these differences effectively, their day to lives will be much easier and much happier.

I don't think it's simply the case that they want to play differently or talk about different things. It's partly about not having the skills to adjust what they want with what everyone else wants as well.

You often see parents of gifted children on these boards suggesting that, because their children are so clever , they can only relate to older kids/kids who are also gifted. Personally, I think it's far more likely that they simply haven't yet learned the social skills to manage interactions with people who are different from them effectively.

Kids with really good social skills, on the other hand - even incredibly gifted ones - are able to manage relationships with much less advanced children, and indeed, much younger children, far more effectively.

The thing that really bothers me about this is that many parents often fail to invest properly in developing the child's social skills, because they have bought into the idea that struggling socially just goes with the territory of being gifted and that's how it is - quite possibly reinforced by their own experience of struggling socially as a gifted child themselves. I don't think that belief system is helpful to the child, personally.

I agree a lot with this. Son was miles ahead academically demonstrated by school calling in ed psych within days of him starting because he was figuring out multiplication and doing three figure addition but he was equally skilled at friendships. I think having siblings and cousins and their friends around him had helped a great deal with this.
He hadn't been to nursery or pre school but he had played with children older and younger as well as the same age regularly. He was taught Maths along children three years older but it didn't harm his friendships with his peers he just had his own class friends and friends from his Maths class. In secondary they called him Dexter boy genius but he was just as popular there.
This continues to this day, he works internationally so has friends from around the globe the MD jokes that more people know him and ask about him than they do himself.

The thing is, if they are gifted, they are going to have to learn to get along with people who are much less gifted than they are - otherwise their pool of potential friendships as adults will be exceedingly small and their relationships in the workplace etc will be fraught.

By adulthood, many gifted people have learnt the skills to relate to others effectively. Some never do, of course.

What I'm saying is that your kids will be much happier and less isolated if they learn those skills at a younger age. For some, it will come incredibly naturally, whereas for others, it might require more work, but the point is, social skills can be learnt.

I think that really is the only issue in the curewnt school.
She does play with most children but really able to enjoy the play time fully if its sophisticated thought through imagination driven play. She did find a friend who is similar and is able to play in this way with them.
Actually the teacher told me they create very elaborate worlds when they play together. I am not worried about her social skills at all but I do want the school to support her academically.

My post about needing to develop the skill to amuse oneself also ties in with those who are saying that social skills are very important.

If you have an academically gifted child there is a temptation to focus on this above all else, whereas social skills etc. need to be on the list too and afforded equal, if not greater, weight. You have a list of all this child can do: 3 languages, maths - add into that helping her to relate to others and to amuse herself - these are skills that will be valuable to her as she grows.

Is there such a thing as a test for giftedness that allows to support child's learning journey? - the answer is No and nor should there be. It is very obvious when a child is academically skilled - there is no need for a test. And you do not support the learning of an academic child any differently from any other child. You simply respond to their abilities and offer relevant opportunities.

And do not forget that there is a tendency for abilities to level out - some children race ahead, and others lag behind, but often finish up in a broadly similar place. If a child is valued for their academic skills only and then hit an obstacle of some sort, they find it hard to look at it with some sense of proportion.

I was that child - I was pushed on and learned with those in classes above and took all my exams early. I also went to university early and that did me no favours - I was like a fish out of water. I was so much less mature and felt very uncomfortable around all the older students who seemed to have life sewn up. I found it very hard.

I will amuse you by showing a drawing of me by said 6 year old. We are all doing our best and there no need to pity our children diagnosed with "social difficulties" over the internet. I dont need pity for her or for me but practical advice. Thank you to those who have contributed with various suggestions. Thank you for helping a tired mum out

So much wisdom in this post.

Unfortunately, it won't be heeded. A lot of parents fixate on the academic stuff. They tend to be convinced that this is the right place to focus their attention and it's rarely possible to get through to them. I'm sure that they have the very best of intentions and that they genuinely believe that this is right for their child. Sometimes it can be very obvious to outsiders that it isn't, but the parents somehow can't see it.

Sadly, I see this happening at the moment with a child that I know in RL. Exceptionally bright and years ahead of her peers. Mum is obsessed with the school not stretching her enough. Child does ask for work outside of school, but from where I stand, it's pretty obvious that this is driven as much by the positive attention it earns as it is by a love of the work itself. I think the child does genuinely enjoy the work but I've noticed she gets terribly stressed when she gets stuff wrong - even though she is an 8yo working on A-level content. She is way more chilled about any mistakes when Mum isn't in the room, and she doesn't ask for extra work when Mum isn't around. Her social skills with other children are sadly lacking. Mum is convinced that it's because other children are not on her level. From what I can see, she just hasn't figured out how to relate well to others yet, and she isn't getting enough practice. It pains me to see it because I know I was that child.

I'm sorry that you had such an unhappy experience @Mischance.

OP, I sincerely hope that you're right about your dd's social skills and that we are barking up the wrong tree altogether. It is possible. However, based on some of your own observations, I would encourage you to reflect on whether there is any truth in it.

Being gifted is an amazing thing, and of course, gifted children do need to be appropriately stretched and stimulated in order to ensure that they stay engaged and retain their natural love of learning. It can be truly astonishing to witness such incredible potential in a small child, and it is natural to want to harness and make the very most of that. And there is nothing wrong with that, but a balance of focus is incredibly important. And being happy is actually a far more amazing thing than being gifted...

And being happy is actually a far more amazing thing than being gifted... - how right you are.

I have seen so many unhappy academically gifted people, amongst whom I would include my late OH.

I have a very gifted GS, who has various scholarships under his belt, but his parents do not focus on that at all, working on the principle that he will make his academic way OK whatever they do - and that filling his childhood with fun, and teaching him the importance of getting on with people and being able to relax is the way to go. He is a delightful young man, full of empathy and insight, and shares his skills with his younger sibling in a tactful and gentle way. I am very proud of him, and of his sensible parents.

Being happy is a skill which is hard to learn when you are always top dog, as you have to strive to stay there, and do not have the skills to deal with the inevitable moments when things do not go your way.

Being happy is a skill which is hard to learn when you are always top dog, as you have to strive to stay there, and do not have the skills to deal with the inevitable moments when things do not go your way.

Absolutely! I think one of the most important things that I did with dd when she was younger was deliberately seek out activities that she wasn't naturally good at, which was surprisingly difficult tbh. I wanted her to learn how it feels to have to work at stuff, to develop perseverance and resilience, and to learn not to fear failure. I think she is very grateful for having learned those lessons at a young age...it would have been so easy for her to have stuck to the stuff at which she naturally excelled, she she would have ended up like me, so fearful of not instantly succeeding.

I agree with this too.

Me and my siblings were bright. We weren't very good socially as a whole.
But what really didn't help my siblings especially was the expectation that they would shine above their peers so really couldn't be expected to relate to them.

I did learn to relate to friends. I had by far and away the happiest childhood. There are still times where I hear them say something and I realise that they haven't realised what was really going on because they haven't read the situation/person at all.
They missed out on the important social development because they were "destined for higher things". The harder they found relationships, the more they retreated into academics and the more they retreated into academics, the less they could relate to other people.
My want for friendships was actually seen as being a sign that I wasn't as clever. It took me until adulthood to realise that I was as clever as my siblings and had achieved pretty much as well in a different subject, and actually my GCSEs were better than both. Which sounds like I'm being boastful, but I never clocked that at the time - I assumed they would have achieved better because the attitude was I was "normal" and they were "special".

Maybe your DD needs to be home schooled seeing as you think the teachers are not doing their job properly?

What about Music Theory? A bright child can work through the workbooks independently and there are sample grade papers online. This is academically challenging and will be so helpful if they decide to continue with their musical education. My DS got his grade 5 theory (approx GCSE level) at 10 and quite enjoyed the different challenge from school work.

My DD was like this. (diagnosed gifted by ed psych when she started acting up at school). Her big thing became music. She loves it and it really helped stabilise her, gave her a proper enjoyable challenge