5 year old with anxiety

[Rachirooo]

Hi.

My son goes to a small school with two years per class. He's in the first year of his class.

At the start of last half term, he got a new male teacher who teaches them every afternoon. At the same time he started with extreme anxiety of being told off.

Some notable breakdowns that have lasted days within the past half term:
• We had a wet bed and upsets for days on end regarding a new water bottle and the fact he wouldn't be allowed one. He still only gets it out of his bag for PE.
• I had a whole week of wet beds and upset prior to World Book Day.
• School sent out an email saying book swap and homework day is Friday but he thought it was Thursday (and he was right) but the fear was real that he wouldn't get his homework done on time etc.
• Scared that he couldn't go to school in a different coat as his school one was dirty. His teacher would tell him off.

There are worries every day about being told off or not doing things right at school. He's also started showing some OCD traits - counting for example.

I went in for a meeting with the head pretty soon after his behaviour changed but we put it down to chanes at school and discussed that I could email if he had a fear and she would squash it when he got to school. She's really approachable and I knew she would help.

The other day however someone mentioned his new male teacher and how he shouts a lot and threatens the whole class regularly with punishment even if only a few children are 'misbehaving'. So I asked my son about this and he told me all about it. How he's not like his other teachers, he tells them off all the time - but not him because he behaves himself. This teacher is like someone from the 70s, he doesn't know how to control children without using threatening tactics. I'm sure his behaviour is scaring my son and causing his anxiety.

So I added to the thread with the headteacher. We're trying to work through it so she's open to suggestions. We agreed that we would have a meeting after Easter. This afternoon, however, the shouty teacher asked for a chat at pick-up time. Right in the middle of the playground with my son next to me. I thought it was out of order! I did however pick up the courage and said that I didn't think his tactics were appropriate with 5-7 year olds. I asked him if he threatened the whole class if only a couple were 'naughty' to which he didn't know how to respond. He kneeled down and said to my son "you know that when I shout, it's not at you don't you" then he said to me "I always use (your son) as an example of good behaviour". I know 100% that that's because he's scared of him.

Sorry about the long post. Essentially I'm asking for help with what to say at my meeting and any potential tactics we could try to help my son. I'd love the teacher to go on a course, but knowing my son, I don't think that anything will really help - I don't know how to undo this damage and I don't want his EYs to effect him going forward :( Any tips welcome because he's going through a really tough time.

Hi, what were his early years like? Was he in full time nursary? Were you a stay at home parent?

I would keep my mind open to the possibility that the teacher isn’t doing anything wrong, and maybe isn’t all that different from other teachers, but is perceived differently by ds and other children in part because he is male and the same words would sound differently and have different impact.

or he might be a problem teacher.

i would approach the meeting saying what you are observing from your child, what your child has told you, and then give the school the opportunity to run their own observations.

Hi, So he went to a private nursery until he was about 2 and covid hit. We then moved house so we kept him out of childcare until he was three and started at the preschool. We chose the school because he had the same lovely female teacher for Preschool and Reception. We thought he needed stability after being isolated for over a year.

I would say it took him about 3 months to settle into preschool.

When he moved up to the next class for Yr 1 he had a female teacher who was strict but still nurturing. Then she left and the male teacher started.

Thanks, yes I see what you mean.

The reason I considered the teacher in the first place is because another parent sent me a message saying that her daughter (who is also getting anxious over the same teacher) had told her that a child was repeatedly asking if they could go to the toilet and the teacher had refused. Eventually the child wet themselves. Her daughter thought it was my son but it wasn't. She thought I would want to know and she wants to report him to the Governers regarding some other issues with her daughter.

There are some other techniques I feel are inappropriate, such as not allowing a whole class a break time because a couple of children were misbehaving. This was with an older class and I just think it's unfair. He threatens my son's class with this too.

This aside though, I do know my son is super sensitive. He may not be getting told off but his fear is that it'll be his turn one day. Maybe the male teacher has a more assertive raised voice than he's used to. We don't need to raise our voices at home, he reacts well to a conversation.

There was one instance in school when the head teacher shouted his name in the lunch hall and he burst into tears. That was a one-off occasion when he thought he was in trouble but I think the anxiety began because the shouting is far more regular now.

The head said she has already sat in on some classes but surely she won't see an accurate representation of how he treats the children. I wondered if she could talk to the TAs?

I don't know how to deal with the anxiety if the root cause is still there (even if it's just because he's a loud male). It's heartbreaking.