DS(9) totally disengaged from school & hates it

[Twistie]

For the past few months DS(9) and in y4 has said he hates school and academically his ability and achievements have hit a landslide. He has also been defiant and disruptive with the teachers in class, including the Deputy Head. All of the above is very, very out of character.

We cannot seem to get to the bottom of what has caused this change and he is having a course of ELSA support to try and help him manage his emotions, as since last October he suddenly became rude, bad-tempered and defiant. The ELSA is helping a lot with this and he is almost back to normal with his behaviour and emotions at home but in regards to how he feels about school, his behaviour there, and his ability it isn’t.

I’ve just heard from his teacher today and now his maths ability is on a downward spiral but she will update us at parents evening on 2 weeks’ time. We had a meeting with the SENCO two months ago and they agreed for ELSA and they suggested getting an Educational Psychologist assessment done which will be discussed at parents evening.

There has been no major life changes at home, no signs of bullying at school (he has lots of friends and is well-liked we are told), he behaves well at the four clubs he goes to (I asked for feedback). We have talked with DS so many times to see if we can figure out what’s going through his head, about what is and isn’t appropriate behaviour at school etc but we are coming up against a brick wall. I have to say I don’t much like his teacher - it’s her first year and she is very clipped and unapproachable (other parents have said this too) and her attitude is “well he just has to behave/try hard etc” and won’t acknowledge that something is clearly wrong as this is out of character. She has just labelled him as a troublemaker and of poor ability.

Has anyone else had a primary-aged child who suddenly changed like what I’ve described? I’m out of my mind with worry and keep getting upset, as well as mortified that he is misbehaving at school.

Before medicalising/labelling your child the most important thing is to ask what it is about the school that is causing these problems. Sounds like the teacher from what you have said. He does not need counselling - he needs a different teacher!

Will he get a different teacher next year ?

It does sound like he just doesn't click with the teacher

I'd focus on that more than your DS having so called issues

There are some horribly passive aggressive people in life and this teacher may be too jarring for your DS (and others by the sounds of it )

It’s obviously his teacher. Can he move to a different class?

@UpsideLeft yes he will get a new teacher every year. He’s had really good teachers before now.

@Elisheva no I don’t think they can move in the middle of the year (they would argue that it sets a precedent I guess)

@Mischance I do think he isn’t gelling with the teacher somehow. If you ask him he says he likes her but I do get the feeling she doesn’t like him but he way she talks about him in communications

I’ve just remembered that the SENCO two months in a round about way said to DH and I that his teacher needs to learn about child behaviour and what is outright deliberately naughty and then the behaviour that is trying to communicate a need (SENCO thinks that he falls into the latter group), but that his teacher doesn’t see it like that. The Senco said she would speak to the teacher about behaviours etc. I also get the impression that the teacher is very keen to make a good impression and expects all children to be well-behaved and good achievers, and doesn’t understand that children are all in different places re this. Other parents have said she has her favourites according to their DC, although I’ve no idea if this is correct but if it’s that obvious then that’s not good.

I think it should be entirely possibly to move a child to a different class and I would push for that to see if it makes a difference.

It sounds like your problem is bigger than this but it's worth knowing that boys have some hormone changes around 8 which can temporarily make them quite emotional and moody. It's written about in a book called 'bringing up boys.' My lovely little boys became moody teenagers in year 4 but it helped to know this was normal development. It could be this coupled with other issues that's brought on the behaviour?