Move back to original school?

[Westlondo]

My son moved from local state primary to indie prep school over a year ago soon after the start of year 3. He is now in year 4.
School say he has made friends and adjusted well. Academically he’s improved a lot since the move so it has benefited him. Smaller class, more resource etc.

He misses friendships from his state primary and regularly asks to go back. He brings up the most random and trivial things the old school did that he misses (eg a PTA fundraising event that is no longer running).

In hindsight I can see that the old school was a better “fit” for us as a family. In the new school as a family we are noticeably not in the “click” but it’s a large enough environment for my son to find his tribe if that makes sense.

We have said he can go to secondary (local comp) with his friends from the old school if he doesn’t want to sit 11+ for indie secondary.

Would you try and move him back if we can get a space at the old school to prioritise his happiness, local friendships etc. over academics etc. or would you keep him where he is? He’s apparently fine in school and we just have 2.5 years until secondary.
I worry if we move him back he wouldn’t be able to slot back in easily and friendships etc would have moved on.

We can afford private fees and the old school is more convenient for the school commute.

I have since learnt that you never move a happy child from school but we made the decision to move him based on the information we had at the time- the new school gets very impressive results, he was really excited and up for the move, and we wanted the support with 11+ prep.

Ironically the move has meant he now probably won’t sit for 11+

I'm sure most people will tell you not to and, on paper and with my teacher hat on, I'd probably say the same. However, it's a lingering regret that having moved our son to a 'better' primary school, we didn't move him back. Academically he did OK but he was never totally accepted as the friendship groups were very established and he became less self confident. The staff were a bit indifferent too. But the school had a brilliant reputation and I think we were a bit dazzled, looking back.

If I had my time over again I would have moved him back, no question. Having a happy child matters and we should have scaled down our ambitions.

He's imagining that it will be exactly the same. It won't.

Different people. Different teacher. Different classroom. Different work. Different expectations. Hes got an idealistic view of it.

Unfortunately he might become even more miserable.

I agree with this and really feel he is looking back with a rose tinted glasses. He’s also comparing key stage 1 which is a lot more nurturing with key stage 2 which is naturally more strict, more homework and gearing up for secondary

Thank you and hope your son is now happy at school.

I think we were also a bit dazzled by the prep which has such impressive results. I had no idea it was such a risk to move a happy child. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best.

Is your son now at secondary and if so do you feel the primary move had any impact on the transition?

@Westlondo he's an adult now so I'm happy to say we're through all that but we do still regret not moving him back - and moving him in the first place. I think he's forgiven us!
He underperformed at his selective secondary school, partly I feel, because it was the wrong type of school for him.
I emphasise the 'for him' bit. He blossomed when he decided not to stay in the sixth form but went to college instead. More formal learning didn't suit him as it turned out. Who knew?!

I'd have chosen a good comprehensive for him in retrospect. His brother is totally different and lapped up a very academic,selective (but not the same) school.

He now has a successful career in a creative industry where he can express his talents but it was a rocky road during his school days and I think we didn't help matters by moving him from a secure base to a situation where he was always on the back foot.

At least your son is telling you how he feels, so it's worth listening to him and considering carefully what you think is the best longer term plan.

Just my thoughts though!

@Lifeinlists Thanks for your feedback. It’s so hard to know what is best for each child

I would keep him where he is if there are no issues other than missing the old school. Transition is hard, even when going back to a school you had before. I also think it is difficult for him to disentangle what he misses from being in ks1 (nurturing, fun) vs ks2 (more work) from school differences.

we moved ours at an earlier age, and one of mine continues to ask to return / talks about missing the old school. The irony is that she was an absolute wreck in the old school and is totally thriving in the new one. When I ask what she misses, there are a couple of people she mentions, as well as the fact she could have a ham sandwich every day for lunch. I think the human brain focuses more on what we have lost than what we have gained in these type of scenarios- she’s just acclimated to everything that is better, but mentally hangs on to the couple of small areas where she perceives a loss.

@Labraradabrador Thanks for sharing your experience. Transition is hard and I had no idea what we were walking into.

No issues at the new school except there are fewer play dates, football in the park. Parties etc. I’ve been told they are all too busy tutoring for 11+ at the weekends. 🙄

I'm a teacher and have witnessed quite a few children leave and then come back. It generally a seamless move. They fit right back in. Yes the academics have progressed but your son has matured and will be ready for it. I'd put friendships and happiness before academics.

@Sherrystrull Thank you, what sort of reasons do the children in your class have for going back to original school?
do you ever find that the child’s old bestie has a new BFF and the child struggles to break back in.
I guess I just don’t want to inadvertently cause more unhappiness. It’s so hard when you don’t know how it will all unfold socially for them.
We have definitely learnt our lesson and will prioritise friendships and happiness over academics for secondary

Generally it's that they moved away quite locally (half an hour drive ish) and moved their children to a more local school. Then after a while realised their child wasn't settling well and decided to return to our school.

We've also had children move schools as they believed the new school would be better and then return when it wasn't what they thought.

They've honestly just slotted back in. Children spend so much time together as a class that it's like a missing piece of the jigsaw has returned!

Hi I appreciate this was a while ago but wonder if you ended up sending your child back to their old school. We are in the same dilemma and I’m desperate to send him back.

@Ariel896 we decided to stick with the new school. My son is happier but still reminisces about the “good old days” at his old school.
Moving felt like too much of a risk and we are holding out for secondary and will make a different decision!
good luck with your decision

Hi what about you - we are literally the same, started thinking of moving the daughter back to old school. Just cannot make a decision...

We sent him back to his old school and it was the best thing we ever did. He is back to his old self!

Thank you, it's reassuring! Would you tell me how much time he spent out of his old school and how old was he when returned? Because mine left in middle of Y1 and I'm thinking about joining back to start Y3, but 1.5 years is a lot of time, and what if everyone has forgotten her?..

Make a decision and stick to it. It’s not normal to chop and change.

My daughter does not seem to be happy in the new school. It's not just missing friends, she's became less confident overall and barely speaks even to teachers. I wanted to stick to the decision I made 1.5 years ago, but my priority is my daughter, after all this time she's still not happy. It can be that returning to old school now won't fix it - so I'm asking around parents with the same experience.

He was at the new school for 3 months. He was becoming more and more miserable and wasn’t happy even at the weekends. He’s is year 3. Everyone was so excited when he went back. I think it’s a novelty at that age. Everyone has totally forgotten he ever left and I have my happy DS back

Hey, similar things happened to our family we moved city i had to take my daughter out from secondary school. She was so sad only later on i found out she was constantly asking her teachers if they can speak to me not to take her away…
Anyways the move went on, she started her new school, if i can just say she completely changed as a person the constant sadness in her eyes and crying, not able to settle and sleep well at night just few things, she was fading away. I had to realise she loved her school so deeply that for her is no way around it. We decided to move her back to her old school. It wasn’t the best decision for us but for her meant more then anything. So yes kids can be very flexible with moves and adapting new environments, but for few its isn’t possible.