Reception child - friendship influence

[Manchego1]

Hello,

I wanted to get advice about what you'd do.
My DS2 started school in September. He came from a nursery outside catchment as we had moved the year before (we have now been in our house for well over a year - so it's not new anymore)
He didn't know anyone in the class but he's a friendly soul so we weren't worried. He quickly made friends and the main one is a bit of a 'character'. His friend started to get the rep as the 'one who got in trouble' from the other kids and my son would say 'but he's kind to me' whenever we heard of unkind behaviour. I know from other mums that his friend had all sorts of probs at nursery and I felt sorry for him, didn't want to exclude/label him as they're still so little. He used to get sent out of the room etc.
Anyway they've been getting into all sorts of trouble at school and it's in the main lunchtime when they don't have the same adult supervision. It's very much 'our group' versus others and there has been unkind behaviour.
We have tried playdates with all his other friends to encourage independence from him and my DS2 has even said this friend punched him when he tried to play with another friend at school. (my DS2 did tell an adult when this happened -hurrah!)
I don't know what to do. I talk to the teacher and she says she is sure my son is just caught up in the silliness and my son is always honest about what he's done (the 2 others in his group aren't) They are being very supportive. It's got to the point the 3 of them are now in a separate small playground supervised at lunch - surely this is just going to strengthen their bond? When they rejoin the big playground the unit is going to be stronger?
I'm going out of my mind a bit. We talk a lot about it at home when anything happens, he makes cards to say sorry to anyone they have been unkind to, we are definitely going out of the way to discourage this behaviour and praise positive. At home he's always been silly with lots of energy but this unkindness is something new. We have clear consequences when something is not right.
I'm just worried he's going to loose other friends and be stuck with this behaviour trend and this friend. My DS2 is now sleeping badly too so is always underslept and that's never going to help!
Has anyone had this experience before? My DS1 is completely the opposite and would be the one who tells a teacher as soon as someone does something wrong!

Arrange a mtg with teacher

It's so hard at this age and it sounds like you are doing everything you can. In our school theres a similar situation but a bit more toxic where 1 kid will say to the other kid 'go push x over or I won't be your friend'. They are getting separated lots to see if it improves. I'd definitely keep having regular meetings or emails with the teacher to see how it progresses.

Good luck x

In a separate playground in reception? That seems very wrong. They would do better to separate the 3 children. Speak to the school, your ds needs to play with the other kids not to be further influenced by the unruly 2.

I would agree- they should definitely separate the 3 boys from each other, not put them all together. They need to encourage the group to break apart and make new friends. I would speak to school and ask for this

We had a similar issue in reception last year. Our school was 2 form and we asked that DD was separated. They were mixing the classes - is another class an option? Whilst there will still be playtimes, we found a different class diluted things. DD doesn't play now with this other girl who used to control and hurt her.

@Manchego1 I cannot see the point of “sorry” cards. He just repeats the behaviour so what is he learning? Just a bit of fun making cards all the time. Find something that means something to him and take it away.

The three are separated to protect other children. It’s expensive to supervise them as a separate group but YR is early years curriculum and lots of school separate out YR anyway. They maybe learn through play. We used to have part time play therapy units in my LA. Obviously the “ playing nicely” dc didn’t go to them! Of course the dc who could not play nicely did. Many dc need them now but they’ve gone.

DC who don’t play well with other dc always get left out in the end. Certainly by parents. They won’t want dc associated with poor behaviour. You’ve got dc caught up in it and he’s not discerning enough to not follow or be involved. Maturity will help but you need to be firm.

Start trying to invite other dc round to play. See what reaction you get. These dc might be “so little” but some do not improve. So your dc must get other friends and become discerning. Learn what’s not funny and what being a PITA looks like. If he doesn’t, school will become increasingly hard and the sorry letters a distant happy memory. For most dc, the penny drops though.

Your DS is choosing to stay friends with a child that is unkind to others and sounds like he is joining in with that unkindness if he is making cards to say sorry. Have you asked him why he is being unkind to others?

I would try and understand why your DS is making those choices. I would suggest his group has been separated from the others because it was upsetting too many children. It can't be pinned on just the other lad, your son needs to recognise his own choices and behaviours too, and you'll need to understand those choices to guide him to make better ones.

You say he is silly at home - maybe he is silly at school and is drawn to the other lad? if other children get annoyed at his silliness it pushes him even further into that friendship?

I would definitely be asking school what interventions they will be doing to help the boys make better choices, regulate emotions, encourage empathy on how other children feel receiving the unkind behaviour and how to repair relationships. Not just excluding the 3 boys, because how does that help them move forward?

Thanks so much for all the replies, it’s really helpful to see everyone’s viewpoint. We are going to arrange a meeting to get the teacher’s viewpoint of what’s going on as we’ve only talked briefly at the end of the day. They do jumble up the classes after reception and these 3 obviously don’t bring out the best in each other so that’s a good option.

@TizerorFizz thanks for your reply. The cards are more part of the ‘repair’ discussing how the other child is feeling and he delivers them as I know 2 parents out of the 3 incidents. There were consequences at home too. TV time taken away and treats gone. The incidents have been 1 month apart and the first one in October so it seems to hold on for a while and then forgotten. He really seems remorseful (his teacher has commented on it) and then it seems to go out of the window 🤯
I definitely don’t think it’s just the other boy as my son is choosing to be part of this behaviour.
I worked in primary schools for over 10 years and so do feel worried about what could happen if he continues. We have started weekly play dates with others and one planned this morning so hoping this will work if we keep going. 🙏

@pearlydewdroptwins thanks for your reply. Yes we asked him why he chooses to take part and he says his friend ‘has a plan’ he always seems to be the third one to do it. He’s definitely not blameless as he’s making that choice to join in with this behaviour.
His silliness is making people laugh, being loud - which makes other children laugh but drives me bonkers at times so I’m sure would annoy other children if it continues.
I totally agree about the exclusion not helping to move forward.
I noticed at my son’s party his main friend was trying to get him to exclude his cousins and I stepped in. He was pulling him around and our son was asking for help. I just think if you feel a bit insecure about friendships if can feel easier to exclude other people.
I think getting the teacher’s opinion will be really helpful- she’s absolutely brilliant.

I’ve had 2 years of debilitating illness with surgery at the end and I think I just feel very guilty about not always being present. We have a very strong unit and extended family but maybe it’s had an affect and my son is insecure too.

"His silliness is making people laugh, being loud - which makes other children laugh but drives me bonkers at times so I’m sure would annoy other children if it continues."

Ah, so this is maybe his way of seeking connection with his peers. Friendships can be quite tricky at any age but for children still learning to navigate, it can be much harder. If you're not already doing so, maybe team games outside of school will help him find other more positive ways of connecting?

Sorry to hear about your health and whilst it will have impacted in some way. it's a chance for DS to build resilience and all those other soft skills. So don't beat yourself up over it, ok? It's good you've got a great family bond and DS will know that. I'm sure given time and guidance within school (sounds like you're doing all the right things at home) it'll get itself sorted.

@Manchego1 You are right, if something drives you mad, it won’t be received well at school either. In my view, the cards do have limited value. Trying to build up friendships and a sport outlet are more beneficial. Something fun but that also has rules. I’m thinking you need to keep clamping down on silliness at home. There’s a place for it but not to the extend of driving everyone mad. So encouragement for being sensible!

We’ve just had a bit of a revelation here too, which is good. @pearlydewdroptwins
My son called someone else a ‘poopoopants’ after a disagreement and the child he’s having problems with then punched him in the tummy and back to defend the friend. My son told a teacher but then tried to get his main friend to like him again so they ended up bonding through not tidying up. We asked him why he did that and he said to get the other boy to like him. This is helpful but it will be useful to get the teacher’s opinion of it all too. See what is going on from an independent view.
@TizerorFizz Yep the cards are just a small part of the whole puzzle, defo not the solution. He gets lots of praise for making good choices. Doing lots of play dates (we just couldn’t do them before because I wasn’t well) and we have defo clamped down on the silliness but high energy is part of his personality so we can’t get rid of it all - just outlet it in different ways. (we spend a lot of time outside!)
He’s not like that all the time and has really successful play dates where they’re involved in really nice, equal play. One is happening now 😆

Thanks for all the replies!

He will improve! At least he’s getting playdates. They aren’t saying no! Hold on to that.