dd v upset; advice please!

[barnstaple]

dd (8) came home from school today in tears, floods in fact.

About 6 weeks ago she was invited to the birthday party of a girl in her class, with whom she was only just beginning to make friends. This girl (girl 1) is very sweet, and I was quite impressed to find that there were only 5 of them at the party, including the birthday girl; very exclusive! Turns out, these four have been a 'gang' together for some time so it was pretty flattering that they were letting dd in. I've met 2 of the girls' parents and we get on well when we see each other. These two girls (girl 1 and girl 2) have been round to play and dd has been back to theirs as well. There was a bit of a wait for dd to actually become a member of the 'gang', as apparently she had to go round to girl 2's house to answer some questions (?!). This happened last week, and the questions were simply name, age, birthday, interests etc and she got some sort of card to show she was in.

I was about to invite all 4 of them over some time over the weekend, but ...

Today dd had to pass some 'tests': these included walking round the playground but when she'd done it they told her she should have walked round a different, separate playground as well so she had to do the whole thing again, and then they told her she should have walked down a nearby path too, so she had to do it yet again, then they said she had missed out some other bit but girl 4 said she had actually done it (even though she hadn't); dd then had to answer some questions such as "what is xx's cat called, how old is it, what colour is it", "how do you spell yy's mum's name"; then there were maths tests ... The cat belonged to some kid she hardly knows, the mum's name is Japanese and there's no reason dd should even know it, let alone how to spell it. None of these kids are geniuses, it's not like it's some club for intellectuals! There are much brighter kids in the class.

After a while, dd got completely fed up and said she was leaving the gang, upon which they said she couldn't unless she did some other stupid thing, which they had just made impossible for her.

I don't know what these kids were doing really. Girl 1 was not at school today, incidentally, which may be significant; on the other hand, girl 1 and girl 2 have both said they don't like girl 3 and nor, apparently does girl 4.

The thing is, dd wants me to talk to their mums about it; dh thinks it's just a kid thing and it's nothing.

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[brimfull]

whaaaaaaaaaat

don't get involved tis a girlie thing

I'm sorry about your dd being upset but it's playground shit for kids..leave them to it.

Support your dd and tell her to find some others that aren't so cliquey.

[cece]

Yes don't talk to their mums, if it continues and causes your dd to be upset then I would suggest you talk to their teacher.. Let her/him sort it out...

[kerala]

oh and read "Cats Eye" by Margaret Atwood

[juuule]

Who were your dd friends before this lot? Why isn't she friends with them anymore?
It this was my dd I'd tell her to drop these if they continue to carry on like this. They are not behaving like friends at all.

[Twiglett]

well I have to say that it's a playground thing and you should let your DD work it out with her new 'friends'

BUT then again she has specifically asked you to talk to their mothers about it

I wonder whether you should sit DD down and talk to her about what could possibly happen if you did speak to the mother .. work out scenarious .. ask her how the girls would feel if their mothers started to talk about this, how this might affect their relationship

and then try to work out together a different solution to her problem .. maybe she could have the girls over one at a time .. maybe she could throw a lunch party, plan the menu and cook the food? I don't know

I just think you should use this as a way to help DD negotiate her own relationship problems .. this is patently a control thing and she could get out of it through humour or distraction etc

[WendyWeber]

No, don't talk to the mums, it's way too complicated!

Sounds like girl 3 may be the one to watch - it could be that she feels threatened by your DD's inclusion in the group

What ggirl said - if your DD has someone else she can easily play with she'd be better off out of it.

Girls' playground stuff can be really horrible

[cory]

Girlie group politics can be horrible, particularly when centered around the admission of a new member of the group, but they are not always irretrievably horrible.

Dd has been a member of a gang of 4 or 5 for the last couple of years and there have been some right upheavals, but they have always sorted themselves out in the end.

What I have learnt is that the person who is acting in a horrible manner one month (in dd's account) can be the peacemaker next month.

So I tend to leave well alone, lend a sympathetic ear and offer a soothing drink. Dd and I have often discussed tactics for dealing with these situations and I feel she is learning more and more from them.

In your dd's case, there is of course a possiblity that this may descend into bullying, i.e. the same person being picked on all the time. If so, you need to support her to break away from this particular lot and find herself some other friends.

[barnstaple]

Thank you all so much, and you are all so very sensible.

I am absolutely hopeless in the face of internal politics, simply blank out, brain doesn't function, useless! I often think dh and I take these things too seriously, and today he was definitely right and I was wrong - learning quicker than me, obviously!

Some time after she'd stopped crying and we were doing something else, I asked her if she thought whether having a bit of a laugh about the number of questions they were asking might have helped - she said she didn't think so, but that it might have if girl 1 had been there. Hope she's back tomorrow.