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[barnstaple]

dd (8) came home from school today in tears, floods in fact.

A couple of months ago she was invited to a birthday party - pretty well out of the blue - of a girl in her class, with whom she was only just beginning to make friends. This girl (girl 1) is very sweet, and I was quite impressed to find that there were only 5 of them at the party, including the birthday girl; very exclusive! Turns out, these four have been a 'gang' together for some time so it was pretty flattering that they were letting dd in. I've met 2 sets of parents, and while we haven't all immediately become best friends, no one seemed to object to us, and we get on well when we see each other. Two of the girls (girl 1 and girl 2) have been round to play and dd has been back to theirs as well. There was a bit of a wait for dd to actually become a member of the 'gang', as apparently she had to go round to this girl 2's house to answer some questions (?!). This happened last week, and the questions were simply name, age, birthday, interests etc and she got some sort of card to show she was in.

Today, however, dd had to pass some 'tests': these included walking round the playground - which she had to do 3 times because each time she did it, they told her she was supposed to walk round another bit as well and would have to do it again; she then had to answer some questions such as "what is xx's cat called, how old is it, what colour is it", "how do you spell xx's mum's name"; then there were maths tests ... The cat belonged to some kid she hardly knows, the mum's name is Japanese and there's no reason dd should even know it, let alone how to spell it.

After a while, dd got completely fed up and said she was leaving the gang, upon which they said she couldn't unless they let her.

I don't know what these kids were doing really. Girl 1 was not at school today, incidentally.

The thing is, dd wants me to talk to their mums about it; dh thinks it's just a kid thing and it's nothing.

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Who were your dd friends before this lot? Why isn't she friends with them anymore?
It this was my dd I'd tell her to drop these if they continue to carry on like this. They are not behaving like friends at all.

To be honest I didnt like the sound of the whole thing let alone her treatment in the playground. Having fun at her expense - then what do they do once she is in - have fun at someone else's expense? Order her around to do whatever they say? Maybe it is just a bit of kids fun but it doesnt sound like it should be encouraged. How does this gang treat others generally?

However I would not speak to other parents about it - just me but I have found it best to avoid going to other parents with any criticisms unless there is no other way.

If it continues and you feel you ought to speak to somebody about it I would have a word with the teacher perhaps as this type of gang behaviour in the playground shouldnt be encouraged.

This sounds very 'girl' like. Sadly.

I did a bit of supply cover at one school where we helped the children draw up a playground 'rules' poster. On it, suggested by the children, were ideas like 'don't leave anyone out, don't gang up to laugh at someone and don't have clubs that make people feel bad.' I thought that was really perceptive thinking from quite young children. Maybe you could suggest it, if this continues, to your dd teacher.

This sounds horribly familiar! As JN said, unfortunately girls can be very mean to each other (shades of the mummy mafia in the playground!) It's very difficult when your DD is set on being friends with other girls and it all goes a bit wrong.
I would advise to try and keep out of it - we just had some experience of parents getting involved in a kid thing, and it was not nice. Ask your daughter to seek out an opportunity to talk with her classteacher who should be able to sort it out properly. Even if it's not bullying yet, it could easily morph into bullying very quickly.