5 year old poor attendance

[mam123999]

Is my son even of compulsive school age he turned 5 on 31st October this year, he’s had a lot of time off, he was born sick, had a heart operation at 5 weeks, then laryngomolocia, left vocal cord palsy had 2 ops to fix that(failed) one operation to bring his testicle out of his stomach. (Failed) 😩 and one fully functioning lung. When he gets poorly it’s 10x worse than a healthy child would be. And I have major health anxiety with him. I know it’s no excuse but his school have been awful to me and even sent me a text message saying they were contacting children’s services. I am mortified and so scared ☹️ the head teacher came to my door once because I hadn’t phoned to let them know he was poorly but I’d been up all with him and his baby sister vomiting and it wasn’t even 11am and he was coming to do a welfare check and asked to see Keegan in the flesh so he knew he was ok 😱 it really upset me what did he think I’d done. And when I went to see his school play last week the head teacher stood glaring at me with zero expression as if to try and intimidate me. He is an awful man. I honestly would love to give him a piece of my mind and let him know he doesn’t scare me one bit, I’ve requested to take my son elsewhere because ever since this happened none of the teachers talk to me anymore. And when I’d complained his nappy hadn’t been done all day, 6 of them came at me at the gate with such an attitude saying how dare I imply such things. I send him to school with 4 nappies and he came home with 4 that day and he was absolutely SOAKING. He’s autistic and has special education needs he’s not able to tell anyone he needs his nappy changed. Then I received a letter from the head threatening** me with legal action for slander 😱

I think you need to split this into two parts.
It sounds like his attendance is low - understandably given his history. School have a duty to check on kids in this situation. A member of staff knocking on the door and asking to see this child is not unheard off -all be it unusual.

The attitude of the staff and the lack of care is a completely different ball game.

It sounds like the trust is completely gone and a new school is the way to go. Is there anywhere with spaces nearby?

If he's 5 and still wearing nappies, doors have have a 121 TA at school? If not, who is supposed to change him?

It is normal for schools to check on kids who are often absent, to enter they are ok. In your case, does the school know about your ds's medical conditions?

Might you be imagining the HT glaring at you? How do you get on with the class teacher? Is your ds happy there?

And what is the slander all about?

OP I think you’ve accidentally included your sons name in the post?
I’d want a meeting with the school to lay everything out and find a resolution, if you leave unsatisfied I’d start looking for another school.

Ok. There's more than one issue here. His attendance is low, but that's understandable given his health issues I think. The school will have to send you letters etc about his attendance but I doubt anything will actually happen it seems he has a reason to be off school.

The issue with the staff sounds bad and as though you need to look for another school. Does he have an ehcp?

What is the slander issue?

There’s clearly a lot more to this than meets the eye.

if you’re being accused of slander then I assume you’ve been making allegations about the school. If it’s so bad that you’ve received a letter from the head no wonder you get the impression they dislike you, why would they ?

a primary school teacher wouldn’t be expected to change a 5 year old’s nappy. They’d be expected to be toilet trained. If they’re special needs, do they have an EHCP? It sounds like they either need 1:1 support or to move to a school that can better support him? Is he able to cope with a mainstream school?

I personally would be reassured that you have the head checking on a child’s well-being if they are absent - isn’t that a good thing ?? If he’s legitimately unwell vomiting then he can’t attend, but you do need to let the school know.

You sound like you’re struggling OP and I can understand, it sounds really hard. Is there anyone you can speak to for support / signpost to some help? A referral to child services may actually be a positive thing if they could help you access the help you need for your son?

All these authorities are set up with your son’s well being in mind so it’s a case of working with them rather than seeing them as the enemy (even if you’re right that they’re not doing what they should be, you still need them to cooperate with you whilst he attends that school so you won’t get very far if you go in on the attack/defence).

To answer your first question, he is of compulsory school age. He will be one of the oldest in the year with a birthday at the end of October.

Has he been to nursery prior to going to school? I’d have thought that some of his difficulties would have been flagged there.

Clearly, his health issues are having an impact on his school attendance, but I think they wouldn’t be contacting you so much if you were able to let them know promptly if he’s unwell and unable to go to school.

If your son has special educational needs, it would probably be reasonable for him to have a nappy changed by a TA allocated to support him through an EHCP. You wouldn’t expect a reception class teacher, with 30 children to do that.

No, DS is not yet compulsory school age. He doesn’t become CSA until 31st December. However, it is still normal for schools to check (including sometimes a home visit) on pupils who are not in school and parents have not called.

Whether DS has an EHCP or not, the school should not have left DS in a nappy that needed changing. Have a look at ERIC‘s page about school.

Something isn’t quite adding up here. Is he diagnosed ASD? Is he in a specialist school?

Sounds like headteacher does intimidate you if I’m honest and I’m not sure you’d come across well ‘giving him a piece of your mind’.

Maybe SS may be able to help you, are you struggling? Sounds exhausting OP.

As above, the first part is just the school doing their job. They need to be to be chasing up poor attendance, whatever the reasons. Are school fully aware of his medical history? Regardless of that, you still need to phone in to inform them of absence. At best, a child who is off without warning will go down as an unauthorised absence. In other cases, as you have found, it may be decided a welfare check is needed. School have done nothing wrong there.

The lack of changing is a completely separate issue, which you definitely do have grounds to be unhappy. Your child should have an intimate care plan in place if he's in nappies. This will state who is to change, how often and how, who will provide what etc. What does that say? Could it have been that the usual person who changes him was off that day? It's still an inexcusable oversight on their part, but it would explain it, assuming this was a one off?

To be honest, you are taking quite a risk posting this on a public forum, with your child's name, as it's very identifying. The relationship between yourself and the school sounds pretty irreparable by this stage due to both of your actions. I'd say you have left yourself with no choice but to move him and start afresh. Please for your son's sake ensure his new school are fully informed of all his needs when the time comes.

Although I get your worries it does sound like there is issues all around which have led to the relationship failing. Ds has complex needs (medical and neurodivergent) so I do get your worries but I also don’t think your helping yourself.

ds attendance was 65% at points in reception but I worked with school, before he even started we had meetings to make sure they where aware of the health issues and the impact that would have. It also meant they where able to support things.

when he is off school you must let them know before the start of the school day. They have a duty of care and where right to do a spot check.

Are you getting support for your own mental health? You can’t let that hold him back. I have cptsd so honestly I do get it but as you admit it doesn’t help him.

if he needs changing in school he should have an intimate care plan. What does that say?

have you applied for an ehcp for him?

I think that as you are in a situation where the head is writing letters about slander then there is no coming back from this. Like you have said, it is probably better for your son to have a fresh start at another school. Putting your child in a school where you want to 'give the head a piece of your mind' is not a good plan.

When you say you have requested to take your son elsewhere, what do you mean? Have you asked the Local Authority if there is a space at another school? If not, then this is when I would start.

I've been an EYFS and KS1 teacher for over twenty years and I have to say that mainstream school does not sound like the right place for him at the moment. But the problem is that there is such a lack of alternative provision. But that doesn't mean that you won't get anywhere, it just means that you are going to have to start jumping through hoops to get it.

Hi OP, this all sounds really complex. It isn't clear from this post whether your DS is in mainstream or a specialist school. I'm assuming it's the former? While the nappy situation is completely unacceptable, as a mainstream primary teacher myself, we don't change nappies (and even if we wanted to it's impossible in terms of time constraints, pupil numbers etc). Does he have a 1:1 TA? We have a child with similar needs in my (mainstream) school, and he has a 1:1 TA who deals with his personal care. He does, however, have an EHCP in place. Does your son have one?
I'm also unsure why the head is accusing you of slander. What's he accusing you of saying? Is it in relation to the nappy changing?
Also, while it's not nice seeing a member of school staff turn up unannounced at your door, this is allowed as part of safeguarding checks. Where there are repeated absences and no reason is given (even if just one day), it is important welfare is checked. Imagine we didn't do this and a child slipped through the cracks. I'm not saying it's nice for you at all, it's not, but it is following safeguarding procedures.
In any case, it does sound like your son's needs aren't being met. Have you had an in depth discussion with the school SENCo, or the local authority welfare officer (who can support you with attendance)?