I'm (naughtily) posting on here because the 'development' threads are about clingy 4 month olds and the 'Teenaged' about 15 year old drug- related school exclusions! I'm not making light of those, just I think there'll be more parents in this boat here who might be able to help.
This has got some educational implications but really the 'biggie' is that my DS, who's in yr 4 really hasn't begun that moving away from mum towards dad thing. Both he and DS2 (6) would far rather be with me. At its bluntest, DH CAN be a bit of a cold fish. He's non social to the point of anti-social at times but this doesn't worry him unduly. He's clever (in IT)and generally a reasonable bloke, we have an equal and generally satisfactory relationship but he seems to find the DCs more irritating that anything and his idea of childminding is shoving them in front of the TV whilst he surfs the net in another room, only wading in when the (inevitable) disagreements become loud when in he'll go and turn the TV or Wii off, end of story, for example. Trouble is, it's become a 2 way process: DH doesn't feel encouraged to interact with the DCs because they reject him to a certain extent, and they reject him because he doesn't seem that interested in them.
He had a reasonable childhood BUT very quiet and completely non confrontational (he has bro 8 yrs older). Though he respected his parents enormously I always felt that none of them had a grown-up relationship with each other. Everything seemed conditional on mother getting her own way, and dissent was not tolerated. All well and good BUT our DCs are normal, squabbling, loud, silly boys (those are their 'bad' points!) and DH seems completely out of his depth with them.
I raise this now because DS1 has just begun that '8-12' phase where he's Jekyll and Hyde: Lovely, sweet, communicative and sunny one moment; sullen, door slammy, WON'T TALK TO YOU and endless baiting of his (readily baited!) brother the next. I feel I'm doing all the parenting. I almost daren't let DH step in because I feel he will behave disproportionately. He'd never hit or hurt, I hasten to add but he can be verbally rather 'aggressive'- he doesn't seem to know how to pitch it at a normal 8 year old just beginning to test the boundaries. With me, every time an 'incident' arises I find I'm thinking as fast on my feet as I can- How should I react? Where has this come from? Is there something I'm missing here that DS is trying to tell me via 'bad' behaviour? Is this a 'go in guns blazing' discipline moment or is this a 'oil on troubled waters' moment? Whereas DH would just wade in and most definitely escalate matters to where I have to step in as moderator, mopping up tears as I go. DS will get sent to his room, more to 'calm down' than anything but it's never followed up with a visit and a quiet chat to discuss the unacceptable behaviour, some man-to-man talk and maybe a bit of bonding. I have to remind DH that as he sent DS into time-out he has to 'release' him too. I tend to be the disciplinarian but I do step in super-quick so I can stay in charge of the discipline because- and here's the crux, I guess I don't trust DH to do it proportionately or 'properly' (my way??!). I so want DH to be involved more in the boys' lives (and take some of the 'fathering' off me!). It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just he doesn't appear to have any recollection of how if feels to negotiate your way through life as a young boy.
DH and I have 'discussed' this on occasion but DH shies from confrontation (as he must see it) and our discussions become me making a point, a MINUTES long silence, me prompting, looking for a response, a grunt of acknowledgement, more silence (me wanting to shriek 'Oh FF SAKE, REACT!!') then maybe at best an agreement to 'change/try harder', bit of effort for a day or 2, then back to square one, usually because of course the DSs aren't 'in' on The New Way. I've just dug out Steven Biddulph's book, 'Raising Boys' and am heavily hinting at DH to re-read it (bought when DS1 was