Reception dd struggling socially

[asplashofmilk]

My dd is 4.5, middle of the year. She's a bright little girl, advanced in her language and communication especially. She's outgoing and friendly generally.

She has always been sensitive about friendships and for example feels it very strongly when another child doesn't want to play with her. This was an issue at nursery when there was a period where she was constantly going to staff upset because of a perceived rejection which could be as minor as someone not wanting to include her in a particular game. They did some work around supporting her to manage these situations herself, join a different game etc which seemed to improve things. She seemed to have made friends in pre school insofar as they do at that. age.

But Reception has not gone well for her socially so far and I'm really worried it's really starting to affect her. There are a few things going on. Many of her classmates already knew each other from a different pre school. There seems to be a bit of a culture (amongst the girls especially) that everyone has a "best friend" and somehow that pairing off hasn't happened for dd so she feels excluded. Several parents are already close friends and the kids have grouped up accordingly.

At her recent parents evening the teacher raised it saying she seems just not to have found a the right peer group yet - they seem to think it's a combination of bad luck and her being a bit ahead of others in terms of language and development.

Things are getting worse, she's mentioning it to me most days ("X didn't want to play with me today" "Y is friends with Z and so they're not my friend") and tonight at bed time she said "I'm not easily making friends mummy" which I found so sad. (I'm not sure if these are words she's heard from someone else.) She talks a lot about missing her friends from pre school (we still see one of them but that's all).

I've arranged a handful of playdates which have gone okay but don't seem to have translated into school - I've also had a lukewarm response from parents as they already seem to have their cliques.

Not sure how worried I should be, whether I should approach the teachers, or whether this goes back to her being oversensitive? She's been enthusiastic about school so far but I can see her enjoying it less and less.

My dd is also in reception and hasn’t really found proper friends yet. I think these things take time though - it’s only been one term and reception is such an overwhelming year for little ones! Keep trying with the play dates? Friendships will come!

@YellowWiggle thank you - perhaps I am overthinking - it's true it's early days.

Aw that’s such a shame. It takes time and it’s good the teachers are helping. The kids will ultimately make their own friends regardless of whether the parents get on

Aw that’s such a shame. It takes time and it’s good the teachers are helping. The kids will ultimately make their own friends regardless of whether the parents get on

@Yuleloga I know and school did say that things will level out in terms of her being a bit ahead - she won't always be - it just feels like that's a year or two lol away which feels like a very long time right now.

She sounds ahead in terms of her social awareness so may have to wait for the other kids to catch up a bit. Things can change quickly at this age though. Most reception kids will just tumble in and play with whoever wants to join in so it's unfortunate about the best friend situation. Can you try and cultivate one 'best friend' through play dates?

Could you try and cultivate friendships with some of the boys? At this age they can play together very nicely. It might be a wider pool of potential friends for your DD

It can take time OP. I had one DC who made friends with everyone immediately and another who didn't find his tribe for years. I appreciate that if you have a very eloquent DC who is able to express their sadness that must make it harder for you, but I would reassure her that it's better to aim to have a wide range of friends - boys and girls - at this age. I really hate this 'best friend' nonsense as it's so unnecessary and does make some DC feel excluded. TBH, the school and her teacher should be encouraging lots of friendships, rather than exclusive ones, as that's much nicer and healthier for all the DC.

Kids ultimately choose their own friends and the friendships engineered by the parents being friendly don’t last. My DS is now in Y3 and we’re now seeing some parents falling out because their kids have - all very childish! DS didn’t have a best friend in reception either but he wasn’t too fussed by it - he never lacked people to play with. It wasn’t until towards the end of Y1 that he found his tribe and now has 2 best friends and a couple more he plays with regularly. Try not to worry!

dear OP, yes I would recommend talking to the teachers. At this age it is their responsibility to see if the child is included in play time. In the primary school it is not all about education but also teachers are expected to support social interactions.

You should do a playdate a week at least. Friendships change multiple times in reception.