Reception, new friends.. care to talk some sense into me

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Evening, DD started reception this year. She’s happy enough in school. No ‘best friend’ chat from her, similar to nursery she seems to bump along with everyone. This is fine, rationally, I know this is fine.. but I’m having to work really hard to keep a handle on my feelings of ‘everyone’ else having a best friend, arranging to meet outside of school, doing lots of play dates.. budding ‘best friends’. parents and therefore kids arranging to meet up at the school bonfire etc etc

I keep worrying I’m not doing her any favours by not actively cultivating friendships outside of the classroom yet (with school friends- she does see non school friends occasionally). We typically just crack on with our own thing, suits DH and I, but am now aware our style may be impacting our DDs.

she has been invited on one play date. We have reciprocated - all good. Had a little birthday party with some school girls. Lovely.

I work and DD is in wrap around 4/5 days so does make mid week play dates tricky. Weekends are busy with activities and family days out etc. should I be prioritising play dates with new school friends more?

I have a younger DD, 18 month gap- they play together at home constantly, excellent play buddies. Maybe this contributes to me not thinking we ‘need’ play dates.

im possibly (absolutely) projecting my own ‘school gate mum’ worries here..

Is it typical to do more than we are? does it matter? Will she be a social pariah because we are not seeing classmates beyond school much? (exaggeration of course, but it is playing on my mind).

thoughts welcome.

Don’t worry about it!

I couldn’t do play dates much because my kids were at different schools and it was just too tricky with multiple school runs. They are bigger now and all have good friends.

ask your daughter if she wants anyone specific for play dates and see if you can plot some in to your life if that makes you feel better.

I’ll be interested to see the responses from others because I’m in a similar situation to you.
DD had a little cry last night saying she didn’t have any friends / enough friends, I just don’t know how true this is because at the parent teach evening a few weeks back the TA said she was friendly with everyone. I’m not sure if maybe it’s too early for very strong friendships yet as we’ve only had whole class birthday party so far and she enjoyed that but no one seemed besties.
DD tended to talk a lot about a couple of boys she was in preschool with and now they’re at school I don’t think they want her playing with them anymore (apparently they just run around playing football and tell her to go away 🥺) so I wonder if she’s struggling with that a bit.

Reception teacher here. Believe me when I say she's far better off at this age getting on with everyone and being content to play with anyone. At age 4/5, best friends are often forged by parents anyway (ie the mums get on, therefore they arrange lots of play dates so they can spend time together too while the kids play). Their children then inevitably become inseparable.

Best friends can often be more hassle than they're worth at this age, as 4/5 year olds by nature tend to fall out a lot, especially when they spend so much time together, as they're still quite egocentric. Those who are happy to play with anyone tend not to get sick of certain others so quickly, as they generally rotate who they play with based on who is playing where they want to be in the classroom rather than following their best friend around like a lost puppy (which can become quite annoying for the child being followed). Children with 'best friends' can also really struggle if that friend is off school poorly.

Your daughter will be fine. As you say, she has her sibling for company at home. I think it's more natural for those with an only child or big age gaps to want to arrange lots of play dates to keep their child entertained.
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Best friends tend to happen more organically around Year 1/2 age (ie the children are picking out that child themselves, rather than parents driving it). I'm sure it will happen in time for your DD, but right now she's fine as she is and I'd make the most of enjoying your free weekends before she's begging for someone to come over and play every other week!

We only ever have play dates in the holidays as mid week and weekends just don’t work for us. It was a rule I instated from the off and I’m sure people thought I was weird. Now a few years on but several have commented that they wish they’d done the same thing!

Honestly don’t worry about it. Sounds like your DD is absolutely fine.

She's 4/5. Still very early in the 'friends' department.

And her development of friends has absolutely nothing to do with you. Please don't worry about it.

Lots of children have working parents who aren't hanging around the playground worrying about mum friends and these children manage to make friends.

Unless her teacher expresses concerns there's nothing to worry about.

I have a 'non best friend' child, but I grew up always with a 'best friend' of some kind as a child. My experience was that at some time or other there was a fall out and it was very dramatic as a child, so quite happy with the 'plod along friends with everyone' approach.

Have had some play dates but mostly group ones, maybe if there is a class whatsapp try just putting in that you're going to go to the park for a picnic on X date on a weekend if anyone would like to come and some will, and that will give a little out of school mixing, but I wouldn't worry too much even if you don't. Mix at the parties and just let loose friendships form/if a best friendship forms when older then that's fine also.

I wouldn't worry about it. To make you feel slightly better, I was on the playground every single day before and after school and knew everyone...but I didn't do playdates. Just not my thing at all. Both my kids are/were popular and it didn't hinder them in any way.

I agree with everyone’s advice here but I’d definitely be making an effort to have play dates on the weekend at least once a month. This way she can find out who she naturally gels with more.

Children pick up on our anxiety, so a mixture of being a tiny bit more proactive in the play date area along with developing a thick skin about these things (you’ll need it for Year 5,6 and early secondary trust me!) will work well.

Become relaxed about it and don’t let your daughter catch on that you’re worried about it at all.

She’ll find her friends and I’d encourage her to make friends with a wider circle too and not stick to one or two, from experience.

My year 1 boy's teacher said he prefers them to play with everyone rather than be attached to one person at this age. My son actually had a best friend in reception but now just play with eachother sometimes. I was sad, but it's the way it is

We’re in the same position using wraparound so little opportunity to do things after school, and weekends always feel busy/limited by things to do, family time, etc. I figure she has years ahead to form friendships so not too worried!

It does seem entirely about parental friendships not their own: her closest “friend” is the one kid from her nursery who attends the same school, and we love her parents so we do stuff together with the play date as an incidental benefit. She also does a Saturday morning sport with a mix of kids from different schools, which she loves – plus it’s reassuring I think to have friendships outside school. Especially as hers is infants so it’ll be all change in a couple of years anyway.

The class WhatsApp does seem to be teeming with “friendships” but reading between the lines it’s the parents who are friends, and mostly the 20-something ones who have the energy to facilitate it all.

Yes, you need to do more to facilitate friendships outside of school IMO.

Both my parents worked long hours and I hardly had friends over. It put a lot of strain on my relationship with my sister as we were together all the time. I dare say we played nicely as little kids, but as we got older, we fell out and we're not close now.

I don't think you need to worry about not having a best friend. But if you are able to facilitate a play date every now and then, this will stand your DD in good stead for forming friendships as she gets older. School is very structured once they get into year 1 and beyond, they need time to develop friendships outside of the school environment.

I don’t think play dates are remotely important and really don’t think they have any impact on your child’s ability to make friends later in life. Do you remember who you did or didn’t play with at your DD’s age?

Stick with your family weekend routines if you enjoy them. If she is in wrap around care during the week it’s good that you spend your weekends doing stuff together. That is a lot more important imo.

Personally I couldn’t be bothered with any of the play date stuff when mine were in Reception. There were a couple of mums I got on well with and sometimes we’d meet for a coffee and the kids would play in the park while we chatted. Aside from that…minimal effort from me😭 DC are 8 and 10 now, no friendship issues although they are both still so young I still don’t really worry about it.

I would say we were lucky that we lived in a flat situated close to a council estate with lots of families when the DC were young. They spent hours playing outside with the local kids which was great but none of that was ‘facilitated’ by me.

Honestly, in a few short years you honestly won’t remember any of this. The early years fly by.

Thank-you..I think this is great advice.

Personally, I have facilitated a few get togethers and it is exhausting! But my DC enjoyed it, so it was worth it.

But I do think parents shouldn't worry too much about playdates. Kids will organically move towards other kids that they enjoy spending time with. I have seen parents really go overboard and have different kids over every week. A couple of years down the line, the mum that went all out having kids over for her DC, has now seen that her DC has been pushed out the 'popular' DC group. And this mum was the one that was arranging all the get togethers to engineer her DC friendship group.

So take a step back and don't worry! Kids find their tribe, without parental influence.

Daughter same age.... just turned 4 in July. She is exhausted after a week at school and goes to a dance lesson on a weekend and that is enough for her.

She sometimes sees some of our friends children who she plays with.
Her cousin is 8 and lives in the same street and goes to the same school and sees her most days and sees her other cousin most weeks.

I never even thought of play dates. I assumed this would happen when she's older and wants a friend over for tea.
The teacher says she seems to play with everyone and I'm happy with that.

There are 2 girls in her class who are 'best friends' as their parents are friends. It seems like a nightmare... such as one child won't enter the classroom until her friend is there... one gets upset if the other one is off.

I agree with majority advice that it is not something to be concerned about and it does sound like she is doing absolutely fine. I would make a bit of an effort with occasional weekend/holiday playdates though as I have found that it helps with forming friendships and also with getting to know other parents and finding out more about school.

She doesn't need to have a best friend.

Just ask her if she wants to invite someone over to play.

The families with lots of playdates and meet ups are just the ones that are inviting children over. You just need to decide if you want to do that or not.

It's very early for "best friends". I would just encourage her to play with the kids she gets on with (boys and girls). In time the "best friends" will emerge.

Perhaps do a weekend park play date where you just arrange to be at the park at the same time so they can play together for an hour or so? Keep it simple at first.

We had the opposite!

DD is now in Y1, but we had a difficult reception year. She started reception with 2 other little friends from nursery. 1 was fine. The other 1 became very controlling and wouldn't let DD play with other children, would hurt her if she tried to walk away etc. In the end the class teacher had to intervene and separated them. It is a 2 form entry so when they went into Y1 they were separated. DD now has the opportunity to forge healthy friendships and this other little girl is now doing exactly the same to another child.

I would have preferred for my DD to be much like yours for her reception year.

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it and some really sensible advice. A balance is needed.

her teacher is happy that she is fine socially (from parents evening, I’ve not checked specifically), so maybe I just need to relax.

DH and I are blow ins, our close friends are spread over the country with newer friendships locally (not linked to nursery or school parents as yet), which seems less typical here- many families with X generations all here and living next door to best friend from primary school type thing. Not knocking that at all, the support must be fabulous- just alien to me. Maybe these mums are more likely to think about play dates and maybe some of the school mums already know one another without me realising.

I do appreciate your comments. We just want them to have positive experiences don’t we.