How to not sound petty at parents evening?

[herewegogogox]

Good morning,

i am looking for advice for if i am in my rights to have a conversation with my daughters new primary school teacher ir if i being overly sensitive.

DD 7 year 3, well behaved, did well in her SATS glowing report… i feel she has never been recognised by any of ger past teachers. Goes to a CofE School very small classes. Historically she has always been the child who is last to get an award (if any at all) despite children getting them multiple times.. obviously it’s too early to say this year if the awards will be the same but i can see the signs happening already…I’ve always wondered why this is as parents evening comments were always so brilliant i often wondered why this did not correlate with any awards. Also, her dojo’s have always been significantly low in comparison to her peers, I’m talking 30/40 dojo’s difference which means she never had reached the good prizes…i mentioned to some of my school mum friends that DD often goes days with no dojos & they showed me their childrens who get multiple a day even just “ready to learn” “respect” .

i do not want to look like a competitive mum it isn’t about that, it’s more i am concerned my child is going unnoticed. I asked her does she engage in lessons, is she well behaved to which she replied yes. Thankfully my child is very confident & this has not knocked her, she is aware it is happening though she once asked me if her teacher didn’t like her :(.

how do i bring this up in a way at parents evening without looking like “that Mum”. To be 30/40 dojos behind is a lot…

School is rubbish. My DD is the same age as yours and I feel goes under the radar .
There are kids in her year who get dojos for 'not hitting anyone'.

My DD didn't get a glowing report on her SATS , she's really struggling with some of the work in Y3. The teachers wax lyrical about how lovely she is, so creative etc etc but it seems only the kids with violent outbursts and over the top behaviour get any kind of attention. (In my experience- DS's year isn't like this at all)

Raise it as an opportunity for the teacher to build up her self-esteem, and mention her comment?

You could ask about the ethos behind the system?

Or just go in and own being 'that parent'. It's a perfectly legitimate question.

The good quiet kids, girls particularly, often get overlooked. It's unfair, but teachers use these awards to motivate naughtier kids and forget about the consistently good ones. It carries on to work too. I can tell you the names of the loud and troublesome people I've managed decades later, but can't remember all the names of the quiet ones who worked with their heads down and got the job done.
Voice your concerns - your daughter deserves it.

I had the same problem so I asked why. The teacher literally looked at me as though a penny had dropped and said I'm so sorry I hadn't realised, it's because she's good and no bother she's fallen off the radar. Definitely raise it.

Agree with the previous posters, its the same old pattern of well behaved, able children get totally overlooked for either the kids that misbehave, struggle more academically or just more pushy and confident, even children that are not particularly nice to others.
It happened to me when I was at school and I can see the same happening to my own daughter. Think the only way to solve it is to not put any value to it and play them down at home.
I also try to give her more opportunities out of school at more usual things that aren't done at school as she isn't particularly good at 'school' sports but can at least feel she is achieving at other things.

Make these points: i do not want to look like a competitive mum it isn’t about that, it’s more i am concerned my child is going unnoticed. I asked her does she engage in lessons, is she well behaved to which she replied yes. Thankfully my child is very confident & this has not knocked her, she is aware it is happening though she once asked me if her teacher didn’t like her :(.

I believe we need to be 'that parent' when it comes to things like this for our children's self-esteem. No-one else will advocate for them

As a PP said, do it in a nice way. As you know, this teacher is not to blame for what has happened in the past but just point out that your DD is increasingly aware of the huge gulf between the number of dojo/awards others are getting and she is getting and it is affecting her self-esteem.

DC1 was similar to yours and it did not bother them initially that others were being rewarded as we had spoken about everyone having their own challenges but when it got to the stage others were getting their 4th/5th for things like 'being kind' and they were yet to receive their second, I had to mention it. Teacher was lovely about it and just hadn't kept count or realised the level of inequality

Sounds fine to say to me and phrased as you have suggested means you won't he sounding petty.

I've heard of this dojo thing but from the little I know of it I'm glad our school doesn't use it.

Incidentally do you pronounce the two syllables to rhyme? I think of it as doh-joe so it would rhyme. But maybe the do is said like do the word so it doesn't rhyme. Or it is like do the word and still rhymes which would make it do-jew.

I think it's fine to say what you've written here. You don't sound petty or like "that mum". If your dd has come to believe the teacher must not like her, it needs addressing. It's good to advocate for your kid. Let's face it no one else will.

I say fuck it, be that parent. If your daughter is being overlooked and you feel it is affecting her confidence (is it?) then come out and say it. Be pleasant, but let them know they need to throw her some dojos and a golden certificate if just to placate you. It's not that much to ask.

Thank you everyone for validating my feelings & giving me the courage to address my concerns.. the parents evening is tonight i will let everyone know how it goes!

@DappledThings yes it is doh-joe! & yes, it is as horrendous as it sounds if utilised incorrectly! 😩

Here here.

When I was in juniors we had an end of year play and only the kids who were either naughty or parents in the PTA or the kids who were alter servers got the main roles. All the “normal” kids didn’t get a look in. Well my mum seen red and spoke to the teacher about it and raised her concerns.
I can’t remember if anything got done in future years, but we all got added into the play and that was what mattered ☺️.

I think it's fine to say you feel your dd needs more recognition from school for their efforts, but don't say you've compared with other kids as that sounds a bit embarrassing! You don't know what the teacher's reasoning is so be open-minded about what they say.

Yup, do it. I didn't want to be " that parent" with dc1 but I'm on dc3 being treated the same way and I don't give a fuck what they think. I call out their unfair bullshit regularly. When your dd gets praised on parents evening just ask why never gets any recognition and watch them squirm. I did, and my DD got the next terms award for achievement. Twats.

I was your daughter many moons ago at about age 6! I simply couldn't understand why I did everything right, worked hard, but never got 'star of the week' or other rewards when all the other naughty and disruptive kids did.
One day I was almost in tears and my teacher asked what was wrong. When I explained, she said 'oh Legacy, you're just so well-behaved and hardworking that I don't need to give you stars for improvement' and apparently I said 'so if I start being naughty and getting things wrong, then can I get some later when I improve?' Apparently she was genuinely shocked and horrified! (This was relayed later in a conversation to my mum!)

I've never brought it up but I hear you. The naughty kids get them. One got star of the week because he did one good thing the entire week but the rest of the time was a little shit. My kids ask me 'why does x get to go and play lego and trains when he's been really really naughty?' What do you say to that. It infuriates me!

Absolutely mention it to your daughter’s teacher. I was a primary teacher for decades prior to retirement and it is easy to forget the quiet, well mannered and hard working children. The teacher is not doing it on purpose as from my own experience the loud, misbehaving children take up so much time you simply would not believe it.

One thing my mentor told me when I was training in the early 90s was to go through the class names once a week mentally and there will always be a few names you can’t remember then focus on those children the following week. It really works and I did this regularly. As my career progressed and I became a mentor myself I gave exactly the same advice to the teachers I was supporting as they started their own careers.

So ..

the teacher told me how amazing my daughter is, behaviour 5/5, effort 5/5, gets on with everyone, exceeding in some areas on achieving in others .. so i let her finish & proceeded with “i think it’s lovely to hear how DD is doing however, i’m confused & a little concerned this is not translating to her attainments especially in relation to get dojo account i was expecting you to tell me she is lacking in certain things especially around behaviour as X amount of dojo’s doesn’t seem to corrolate with what you are telling me especially as my daughter has noticed most of the class is on 50 or above, can you tell me why this might be”

well.. instant horror on the teachers face, she had an iPad to hand (to go through times table rock stars account) & looked at dojo to check & was completely mortified… she was incredibly apologetic, she informed me that as my daughter is a child who just “gets on with it” it had been overlooked, she thanked me for bringing it to her attention & asked me if she could apologise to my daughter today…

i’m relieved she took some accountability however, still incredibly upset about her being overlooked… & also a little apprehensive about this being a regular occurrence every class she goes in!

i will be keeping an eye on things, I don’t expect her to now give my daughter everything i just want her to be treat equally!

thank you for all your guidance & support i do feel relieved

Great outcome OP, I am so happy for your poor DD who will have been getting more and more demoralised seeing everyone else rewarded and not her when she was doing everything right.

We never want to be that parent but I learnt the hard way that there are times when I need to be to advocate for my child who is too young to do it themself. I just make sure I go about it in the nicest way possible, always friendly and never aggressive or accusatory - just like you did.

Great update - and so glad you caught it early in the term.

Should you wish to take it further, you could contact the Head and Chair of Governors. You can put a positive spin on it, complimenting the teacher on her reaction, and explaining that you want to ensure this is an isolated incident?

Don't worry. She might not get overlooked by future teachers and if she does you'll be advocating for her.

Glad you gave an update. Family member is a teacher and this tends to be her biggest fear a lot of the time - I know in the early days she had spreadsheets recording who got what to make sure it was equitable. Great to hear a positive outcome.

@herewegogogox My DDs were fine at primary where I did feel teachers did recognise all Dc for something.

Secondary (private) was very odd for DD1 who was high achieving and enthusiastic all round - except for PE. She’s not well coordinated and couldn’t catch a ball or hit a ball at all. So the main sports of hockey, rounders, tennis and athletics (running not great either) were endured and sustained effort was a bit curtailed. She never got any recognition for overall effort ever despite getting A for effort in all other subjects. They had a system that led to a “gold” bar to wear for effort which meant they had to not have a B. I saw DDs with them lined up on their blazers.

She got one of the best GCSE results in the year and an offer from Oxford uni. She made a huge effort in nearly everything and still does. Now the school want her to be an ambassador for them! They seem to have noticed her now. (She’s Refused) It was upsetting to be a very decent child but because PE isn’t your thing, you are never recognised. It can feel a bit petty being “that parent” but it can be demoralizing for DC and actually you have to laugh in the end - schools can be pathetic.

Do be that mum. No one else will advocate for your DD.

That's great OP.

I have one of those quiet unassuming ones too, and I've found myself occasionally developing some sharp elbows to get him a look in.. (and trying to persuade him to push himself forward occasionally too.. without a great deal of success unfortunately because he's just too nice/easy going)