Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

Original poster

Summer born - emotional difficulties

20 replies

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 18:12

My DD is August born so just turned 4 and has started reception. We considered deferring her but didn't in the end. She has taken to the academic work brilliantly and I'm so proud of her and impressed with the school. But she seems so naive (I know all 5 year olds are too but this is the best word I can think to describe the situation!). She really does not understand what's happening when some of the older girls leave her out or say nasty things to her. She is literally not yet capable of being nasty or manipulative to anyone else yet, being almost a year younger. I think the other girls' behaviour is pretty normal and I'm not blaming them. I can also see how my DD might seem a bit babyish or intense or annoying to them, sometimes. But it's really heart breaking to see the hurt on her face when they decide to leave her out or ignore her randomly (their behaviour seems very changeable). My DD has always had friends and been v sociable but she definitely gravitated towards a 'nurturing' role to the younger kids at pre school. Sometimes the interactions I see at the school gates in the morning leave me so worried about her all day long. FWIW the boys seems much more accepting and chilled out!

Anyone else experienced this and did it get better?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

stayathomer · 03/10/2023 19:44

There’s a chance she’s not on the same level as them, also a chance she’s unfortunately not in a nice class! My eldest was in the loveliest class ever, and another ds of mine was just in a horrible class! Saying that over the years some of the not nicest kids (at that age) turned out to be lovely- they’re so young!

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 20:06

Yes true! It's more things like 'you can't come to my party anymore' or 'your coat is stupid'. You can see on her face, she just doesn't get it. She wants to go to all the parties and have everyone come to hers and would never say bad things about what other people are wearing! It's like they've started to understand insults and the height of hers is 'you're a silly Billy'.....

OP posts:

Luuucccc · 03/10/2023 20:25

My DD is the same, born end of July. She’s made some friends but has been crying saying ‘the bigger girls in the class are picking her up in the playground’.

It’s a shame they are saying things like that to your DD. Like PP said they are all so young. Perhaps they have older siblings and are picking things up from them as it does seem young to be saying things like that. Can you mention it to your DDs teacher? So they can keep an eye on it.

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 20:30

Yes, older siblings definitely a possibility. They all seem to move on pretty quickly so it's the hot and cold which seems to confuse her more than anything. I didn't expect this kind of stuff to start so early.

My DD is pretty tall so she generally doesn't look like one of the younger ones or have the issue of being physically picked up!

I might mention it to the teacher but you get so little time to speak to them and so little feedback compared to pre school (understandably!).

OP posts:

BurbageBrook · 03/10/2023 20:30

That's not normal and shouldn't be accepted. I'd speak to the teacher who can then put extra focus on kindness, anti-bullying etc.

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 20:34

So difficult to know how much to intervene. She does have friends and she's not desperately unhappy. But I don't want her to pursue friendships with people who aren't keen (and she can't read that very well) and therefore suffer these mini rejections all the time at just turned 4. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it from an adult perspective!

OP posts:

mynameiscalypso · 03/10/2023 20:44

My DS sounds very similar. I keep waking up in the night and worrying about it. I'm going to speak to the teachers about it when we have parents evening in a couple of weeks. I do agree that I might be imposing my adult perspective on what are normal interactions.

Starrystarrynighttt · 03/10/2023 20:45

I would mention it. If this carries on and she begins to understand, it may start to upset her and may put her off going to school. This happened with my DD and she began to realise they were not being nice. She was regularly upset that other children were saying mean things to her and she didn’t want to go in. In older children, this would be classed as bullying. I know 4/5 year olds can be socially immature but still it should not be accepted

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 20:50

Yes we have parents evening coming up soon but it's very strictly only 10 minutes so conscious of that...

OP posts:

Rachaelrachael · 03/10/2023 20:52

Going through a similar thing with my August daughter who just started school. She comes home saying that the other girls have said she can't play with them. Our garden backs onto the school playground so I can actually see her walking around at lunch/breaks by herself. It's heartbreaking, she had such a lovely group of friends at nursery and she just thinks that everyone is her best friend at school even when they're being mean to her. Luckily she doesn't seem too bothered by it so I'm just going to see how things play out and maybe bring it up at parents evening in a couple of weeks

mynameiscalypso · 03/10/2023 20:54

Ours is 10 mins too but I think I'm going to prioritise discussing social stuff over the other stuff which I'm less bothered about really at this stage. It's tough though isn't it?! I feel like we're only just getting started with the worrying!

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 20:55

Oh gosh, it must be awful to witness it like that. I don't think I could take it! I would definitely speak to the school if she's being excluded like that.

My DD is exactly the same in just presuming everyone is her best friend and why would they just not be nice?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 20:56

mynameiscalypso · 03/10/2023 20:54

Yes true, that's a good point. I'm amazed at how comfortable she seems with phonics etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 03/10/2023 20:57

I also definitely want to look at other sources of friends like Rainbows or something but she's so tired from school at the moment that I am reluctant to build in too much.

OP posts:

smithy153 · 03/10/2023 21:17

Rachaelrachael · 03/10/2023 20:52

This is a real tear jerker! However...it really is early days and by the time winter comes (and you can no longer see her in the field!) she will no doubt be happily playing with friends inside whilst you are still worrying yourself sick...

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 04/10/2023 00:12

There's nothing wrong with your child OP. Many kids aren't nasty or manipulative at age 15 never mind age 5. This is the other kid's problem not your dd's

Encourage her to play with other kids and talk to her lots about what makes a good friend. This behaviour isn't normal and shouldn't be tolerated by your dd or the school so speak to the school. They can't force kids to play with your dd but teachers can be pretty savvy and if there's any like-minded kids in the class they might well gently nudge your dd in their direction

TizerorFizz · 04/10/2023 00:57

4 is very early to be making firm friends and finding the Dc you gel with. These Dc are almost certainly working/playing with pleasant Dc in the classroom and are telling you about times when they are not occupied so notice adverse comments.

After a while they navigate around these children. They do find a range of Dc to play with. Don’t forget the older Dc are still mostly 4 themselves! They are hardly developed in their emotions or in control of what they say all the time either.

I would flag it up at parents evening. It won’t take 10 minutes. Plus First parents evening is about how they are settling in so of course this is the time to raise any issues.

I would just add though that neither you or DD can expect other dc to be pleasant all the time or that they will be your friends all the time. Don’t mention parties. If dd IEng invited to many? What then?

Time and time again I’ve seen Dc being friends because the parents are. Friendships are curated! So invite a few possibly nice Dc round to tea. In most schools YR should have their own play area as they are EY curriculum. Ask for play to be monitored if Dc is alone because schools do look out for dc in these circumstances.

BoleynMemories13 · 04/10/2023 05:45

I would have a word at parents evening despite the time restrictions. As a Reception teacher, I prioritise the social aspects at the first parents evening anyway (how well they join in, follow rules and mix with the other children). We discuss how we teach early reading etc but generally I save the academic stuff for the spring term parents evening as you have a better picture by then of how they're taking to it and whether extra support is necessary.

Regarding friendships, it's quite possible that her teacher has noticed if she's having some difficulties in school. Or they may be able to offer an alternative view of how your daughter is managing this when you're not around, which could hopefully reassure you that she is learning to hold her own.

I'm sure they'll be focusing on emotions and friendships anyway in pshe this term but if you make her teacher aware she's struggling with this older group they will hopefully be able to guide her towards others, perhaps of a similar age or with similar interests. Hopefully between you you can help her to branch out and find like minded friends, which you can also encourage through playdates out of school etc.

I understand your concerns but friendships can change so much over the course of the Reception year, as children find their feet and get to know each other better. I'm sure she'll find her own way soon.

Original poster

Underwhelmedoverwraught · 04/10/2023 06:10

Thanks all, I will raise at parents evening. She's absolutely got plenty of people to play with and talk to, the behaviour of some of the older girls has just surprised me! And the look of lack of understanding on her face is heartbreaking!

Also agree that parents can play a role in steering and encouraging other friendships so will have a think about that....

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 04/10/2023 08:41

I always think there’s nothing you can do about other dc. At 4 they haven’t understood the consequences of what they say and your DD isn’t used to their jibes. It’s a learning curve for all of them. The skill to be learned is finding your type of child who won’t be judgemental. The other dc are jostling for supremacy. It’s a bit of a girl thing (sad at 4 though) but hopefully they will not be like this forever.

Flip