DD crying, doesn’t want to go to school, because she’s being bullied.

[CutiePatooties]

DD mentioned a couple of weeks ago that a boy in her class made a nasty comment about her hair (she’s ginger). I told her to tell him as he is also ginger, his hair must be the same then. She didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks, so I thought she had said this and that this had worked. At this point it was just a one-off comment, so I wasn’t worried.

Last night she’s crying uncontrollably in bed, saying she doesn’t want to go to school. She told me it’s because she hasn’t had time to relax today because she went to a party on Saturday and the cinema on Sunday (basically her whole routine changed and we suspect she’s ND so I just felt awful thinking I shouldn’t have changed her routine etc). I couldn’t get through to her, so DH went up to try and calm her down.

He came downstairs and told me she doesn’t want to go in, because she’s being bullied. The boy made the nasty remark about her hair, has pushed her, made a nasty remark about her teeth (two haven’t come through yet so she’s still ‘gappy’) and told the whole class she had farted and everyone laughed at her.

I’ve written a note in her contact book so the teacher can be aware of what’s going on, but feel like there’s only so much her teacher can do. He can still call her names when no one is around and must be doing this, as no one has brought anything to our attention. I’m a bit shocked as DD is very loud/in your face/a very dominant character, so I’m surprised she isn’t standing up for herself and it’s making me quite worried. I feel awful sending her in today, but equally she can’t miss out on her education because of a bully. It also would teach her to run away from this, rather than confront it. I also don’t want her feeling that she is the problem by taking her out of the situation, when she’s done nothing wrong. Not sure what to do.. is it a case of just waiting for the teacher to respond and seeing if it stops?

What would you do about this?

sorry if it’s obvious what needs to be done - this is my first child and she hasn’t raised anything like this before, so I’m a complete newbie to all of this…

You/Dad go in with her this morning and speak to the teacher, find out what their plan is for dealing with bullying, how the child will be spoken to and your DD protected at school so she can learn. Your DD sounds like me as a child, ND but loud/bolshy so not an obvious target for bullies, but other kids can see when you’re different.

Sorry clicked too soon. You might think she should just be brushing it off, but clearly she can’t and it’s not something she has to just put up with. In time she may learn how to deal with this herself, but right now she needs adults stepping in for her. Don’t wait for the teacher to read the book, go in and be proactive

Personally I think you need to take it more seriously. You need to show her you’re helping her tackle the issue, go into school and talk to them about it.

You need to take her into school today and have a word with the teacher, a note in the book isn't enough, hopefully if they take him aside today he will be too frightened to do it again!

I wouldn’t just be putting something in a book. I’d take my child in and ask to speak to the teacher. State what’s been happening and how it’s made your daughter feel. Ask what the way forward is going to look like to prevent this from happening again?

Advice here is great so I've nothing to add except ginger hair is beautiful. x

Thank you for the replies - I feel rather silly for having left the note now!

We spoke to DD’s teacher who said she will have a chat with the children and let the other child’s parents know what’s going on. I asked how she can ensure this doesn’t happen again and she said she will keep an eye on the situation, inform the TA so she can also keep an eye on it and will make break/lunchtime staff aware so they can do the same.

I’m still sat at home worrying, as I’m sure there’s only so much of a watchful eye they can all keep, when there’s so many children to monitor and this child was obviously already doing/saying these things discreetly enough that they went unnoticed in the first place. The farting comment obviously was so public that it didn’t go unnoticed - DD said the teacher shouted at him (it was a cover teacher though, so not sure her teacher was aware until we raised it). I’m so hoping that once his parents are aware, that they’ll have a word with him and it will stop.

Thank you so much for all of your help.

Kids are cruel. My ND 11yo has gorgeous curly hair and has very dark body hair (takes after me). She got called an unkind name 'Fur' by kids in her class, who dressed it up as an unusual shortening of her name.

It took us going in repeatedly and a very supportive class teacher to get it sorted. But there was still the odd dig when DD did something the others didn't approve of.

Nowadays we coach DD to ignore unkind comments in the first instance, to tell us and we talk about social media (the most used form of bullying in secondary school) and how this says more about the person being mean and their insecurities than her.

Building self-esteem is difficult. But finding famous people who share their attributes was also helpful to DD.

DD came home and said her teacher has moved her away from the boy, but now she’s sat next to a girl who distracted her all day so she couldn’t concentrate.

Feeling a bit miffed that she’s the one who has been moved as if she is the problem and as a result, she’s now being distracted. DD still said that he told her, ‘you’re in reception,’ to try and wind her up but said that the teacher had a word with him.

Will just have to put up with her being distracted in class, as it appears it’s either a choice of that or her being ridiculed daily.

Fuck waiting for the teachers to do anything. They're too busy and can't keep their eyes out all of the time.

You or your husband need to find this kid and give him a very severe warning. This is your child, you can't let this drag on.

If it was me, I’d be sending DH round to the kids house to deck his father and tell him why and tell him he’d be back if it happened again; but that’s me all over - I don’t put up with shit I escalate it.

@TheBabylonian if you saw my DH and this child’s father, you wouldn’t suggest doing that! I think DH would end up in a bodybag lol!

@crostini Neither me or DH would go up to a primary aged child and severely warn them… Not sure that would work out well either.

DD’s told me that the boy actually made the comment about her ‘going back to reception’ AFTER the teacher moved her. So that hasn’t stopped him coming for her anyway! I think moving her rather than him, meant that she was seen as the problem and he still thinks he can get away with it as there’s been no consequence for him. Her consequence is that because he’s been taunting her and we’ve flagged it up, she has now been moved next to a girl who wants to talk to her all day, so now she can’t concentrate on her work. If I moan about that, I’ll look like I’m constantly complaining. Although the more I sit here and think about how she’s been moved rather than him, the more worked up I’m getting.

I asked DD what she said in response to his comment today and she told me she just said the same back to him. I told her she might have to get smarter with her comebacks and give as good as she gets, but she’s told me, ‘I don’t want to be mean to anybody.’ (In her words).

This parenting gig is tough and the school haven’t helped with this at all. I’d have liked to hear back that they’ve both been spoken to, the other child has apologised to DD and been moved away from her in class, but I asked DD if the teacher spoke to her and this boy about it today and she said ‘no, she just moved me to another seat and now this girl keeps talking to me so I can’t concentrate on my work.’

I’m really not satisfied and wondering what I can do next, without looking like I think my DD is the only one in the class. I’m sure I’m not doing any of this right.

I think loud and bolshy with ND can often make things worse. Me and my DS were both like that. You draw attention to yourself. And attract the attention of bullies who, as you say, notice the differences. If you have emotional dysregulation that adds to the issues as you are easy to provoke and get an emotional response out of.

Both me and my DS were bullied. Mine was worse, because there was no support really and nothing was fine and my mum was not able to give me any strategies to deal with it or with how it made me feel. With my DS I had experience on my side, with, by then, a lifetime of therapy to be able to pass on strategies, and I also advocated for him very strongly. I did not want what happened to me to happen to him. He has come out reasonably unscathed as a result but I have been left with a lifetime of fairly serious mental ill health and trust issues. I am unable to form proper friendships. So do as PPs have says OP and go into the school and advocate strongly. Some studies have found that bullying can be as bad as sexual abuse in terms of its long terms effects. It's extremely damaging.

I would go back in and say exactly what you've said here.

That there have been no consequences for this boy and the "chat" obviously wasn't sufficient as he's made a further comment almost immediately afterwards.

I would also ask why your daughter has been moved and not the boy as this gives the impression to both children (as evidenced by his comment) that 1. she is being punished and 2. That he has power over her. His actions have led to HER being moved. And bullying is all about that, so it's just reinforcing his behaviour.

If they don't agree to move her back and move the boy then I would also add in the concern that she is being disturbed by the girl she is now with and struggling to concentrate. Do school know about the possible ND? If they do and are on board you could mention this as this is a bigger issue for ND people generally.

Be prepared to look difficult. It matters less than your child.

Read the school's policy on bullying (should be on the website) and escalate to the head if necessary.