Reception Girls - Friends and Worries

[User19283]

Hello everyone.

I’ve never posted on here before but at abit of a loss and have gotten myself into abit of a state.

My DD stated full time school in April and she is now in reception full time.

It started off well in school. All the kids seemed lovely. She’s happy coming out of school each day and excited to go in everyday. I’ve made friends with a group of mums there and I’ve really made the effort, for both us to fit in.

My worry is I feel my DD is on the outskirts still and is struggling abit with already formed friendships. A few kids that have paired off. Seems they have been in nursery together and also the mums are firm friends also. They can be inseparable in their own worlds so don’t want anyone else and my DD has noticed this and will say “a is bs best friend” or “c is ds” best friend. It’s as if she just gone in tried to get in with the pairs but even though they’ve let her in for abit she’s then just left and now I notice she doesn’t even bother trying anymore as if she just knows there’s no point :(

there have been a few parties and these pairs were off together and my DD was just either playing on her own or just playing with other random kids. It’s makes me so sad as I know she’d want a little friend. She can be abit of a handful in a hyper way. I have worried about adhd as she’s quite immature for her age but she’s so lovely and caring, absolutely love to play and shares perfectly.

I have noticed since going back to school she’s started with really silly behaviour. Talking in a funny voice and calling people “poo head” But I feel this maybe a coping mechanism if she’s being palmed off in school.

I’ve tried chatting with her gently and she keeps saying school is good, she’s happy, no one is nasty and everyone lets her play. But from what I’ve seen today the girl that she says she plays with at school didn’t even look in her direction! And I feel like she may think she’s playing with them but she’s actually not!

I’m really worrying myself sick over all this I’m desperate for her to fit in. I never ever thought she’d struggle with this she’s the kind of kid who enters a park or soft play and will instantly find friends! I just don’t know what’s going wrong for her in school : (

any input and experiences would be greatly appreciated x

I do think it’s very early days - presumably you’re only a couple of weeks in? My daughter has just started reception too and only knew 2 children a bit and only from play dates with me and their mums - not as part of a bigger group. She has mentioned one of those a few times and a handful of other names but with 60 in the class she hasn’t learned all the names yet. She said she hasn’t made any friends yet and mostly plays on her own. I have no idea if this is true but she often plays with kids she meets in parks/soft plays etc so I think she must be playing with others at school too?? I’m not too worried at this stage. They’re so little and I think friendships are quite fluid at this age.

Hi thank you for the fast reply. They’ve been in school together since April but my daughter was late starting and didn’t join until 6 weeks later. It’s abit different where I live and the start abit earlier. She joined not know anyone from nursery as we didn’t live in the area unfortunately so that coupled with the fact she started 6 weeks later is also worrying for me.

I thought it really wouldn’t matter at this age and I thought they would just all play with anyone! But from what I’ve witnessed these closed of pairs have already formed.

Have a chat with your daughter's class teacher. Ask if she can be identified a play buddy. We did this last year and it worked. In my experience with a 3 way dynamic, I'd be avoiding this as much as possible. DD found herself in a dynamic last year and it was really restrictive particularly as one of the little girls is very coercive and controlling. We are still having problems in Y1.

It's v early days. Often if they start reception with close nursery friends they cling to them for the first term because it's a big scary new world, but once they relax all the friendships start to mix up a bit and reform.

Don't worry about the school mum stuff. In my experience some of them have known each other since their own school days so you can't really compete with that - I'm just sort of adjacent to it I think.

Just keep supporting her and being positive about school.

Can you organise a few 1 on 1 play dates? That always helps. And good way to get to know the parents/families too.

Thanks for your replies. I did speak to the teacher at the just before they broke up in July she said that she was happy and settled well but just said she hasn’t paired off with anyone and plays along with all the children. I was happy with this as I want her to have a wide range of friends but it was just when observing in the parties with some kids paired up. I’m worried she’ll just get left behind.

We have met up with some mums and their children but always been in a group and they all played together lovely but when in parties when the whole class is there you then can see clearly who’s paired off.

I’ve had little chats with her about making friends some of the other children who I noticed are not in “pairs” but when ever I suggest it she say “oh she’s so sos friend” It breaks my heart that she thinks that everyone has a friend but no one really thinks of her in that sense. She didn’t seem bothered by it but just seems to accept that that’s the way it is but that makes me feel 100x worse!

It seems there is one little girl who everyone likes to play with at school as when I say why don’t you ask “a” or “b” to play she always say this that they are friends with this girl. This girl is lovely and nice to my daughter but seems like she has too many friends to choose from but my daughter also seems to have taken a liking to her too!

this is my first school experience and I never thought it would be so complicated at such a young age! I haven’t slept all night worrying about it!

But she is happy and loves going to school so I do need to keep this in mind also. She never says she playing alone or left out either but I just think she may think she’s playing with them but really she isn’t involved and I know she will realise this sooner or later if that is the case.

I’ve just got her from school and again the same has happened. All this kids like playing whilst walking home she was repeatedly calling a girls name who completely ignored her even when her dad said to say hello :( I’m not really sure who this little one was but was definitely in her class.

The other girls then again just run away from her not in a nasty get away sense but they all group together and run off all included and she’s left stood there on her own. As if she’s trying to get in with them but they just ignore that she’s there so she’s not “in” with them when they all run off other.

I really don’t know what to do, it’s breaking my heart. She’s been really quiet today and not really telling me about her day as she normally does voluntarily. I just don’t understand what’s going wrong for her or why she dosnt “fit” she’s always really kind and plays so lovely with her cousins and other children she just can’t break in with them at school.

I am racking my brains to where she’s going wrong and she does kind of run and want to hug everyone which they seem not to like so I’ve told her about personal space and not to do this but that even is so horrible as she thinks she’s just being nice :(

@User19283 really sorry for your worries . Not sure I can advise my eldest starts pre school tomorrow she's never been apart from me and I feel physically sick like you do before a job interview. I so hope she will be happy and included

OP I had exactly this with my daughter in reception. A group of little girls would come out holding hands and she wasn't part of it. I felt so sad as she's always been popular. I knew she was playing with boys so tried to get her to play with girls. I spoke to the teacher who said there were no concerns socially and she flits from group to group.
She was perfectly happy at school but I would keep questioning her on who she played with.
She's now in year 2. She is popular, has a group of friends both boys and girls and seems friendly with everyone. The little group of girls that used to always be together have separated a bit now. I wish I had just relaxed and let her be. I got myself wound up for nothing. If she is happy then let her find her way.

Is there a parent who you are on chatting terms with? If so, invite them and their little one round to yours after school for a play date. Nothing cements a friendship quicker than being in each other's homes.

That’s great to know your daughter was in a similar situation but now has a group of friends. I really hope this is also the case for my little one also. She’s such a confident and bubbly little girl, I really hope this dosnt knock her confidence as she was very quiet yesterday and not wanted to chat about school much :(

There is a couple of mums im friendly with but they are mostly the children that are kind of paired off which makes it difficult. I think when they are all together also it looks like they are all playing as a group with one another so I don’t think anyone would see an issue but as it’s my little one who is kind of being left behind I am more aware and notice what’s happening.

I also don’t want to cause a fuss really we haven’t lived here long and their kids are obviously getting on and happy and none of their children are being mean it’s just it’s coming more apparent to me now what’s happening.

There is a parents evening in 2 weeks time so im hoping I can chat to the teacher abit more than in passing at the school gates but it just seems so long for her to be there everyday until then if she’s feeling abit lost :(

I wouldn't wait for parents meetings. I'd message the teacher now and ask for a chat.

Agreed, I'd chat to the teacher after school one day. It'll probably put your mind at rest.

Please don’t be offended by this, but you seem to be making something big out of something small. If she is playing with “random kids” but isn’t in a pair by the first few weeks of reception, that sounds totally utterly normal. Stay relaxed, don’t model stress about it, and see how things go, would be my advice. She sounds like a lovely girl and I am sure she will be fine - you really really really don’t need a “best friend” at this point (and it can have real downsides, actually).

The OP is not making a big deal out of nothing. What an offensive comment.

In my experience one of the brilliant things about mumsnet is telling you which of your many parenting worries (for sure we all have them…) are the ones to really stress over, and which are in the “it’s an understandable worry but really normal” category. I think (though of course others can disagree) that this is in the latter category. I certainly don’t think the op is silly to be worried or wrong to have raised it - mumsnet threads can be a great reassurance on stuff like this when you need to calibrate. (With boring owners of kids who never made best friends in reception but ended up absolutely ok)

love to op, this stuff is stressful.

This all sounds very intense at that age my child just played with random kids around or did their own thing it was only as they got older friends started

I agree with this. I can see why you're worried and I am particularly sensitive to any friendship troubles with my DC because I was bullied as a child and it started with the other children excluding me from being friends. My DC are not me though and they are happy - it took me a while to see this and not analyse each time I saw other children pair off without them or they say that someone did not want to play with them.

I have one in Y2 and another in Y1 - friendship groups have changed since they were in Reception. They did start school as children largely sticking to those they knew from before. From those that did not have familiar faces, the confident ones fitted in anywhere and others muddling along the way you describe your DD. Since then, they have started to form friendships with others based on personalities and who they enjoy spending time with.

I agree with PP suggestion for arranging playdates wherever you can - I found it really helpful for them to spend time with just one other child to get to know each other.

I completely understand your stress but you will look back on this as something which was not so big

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Everyone has made such good points and suggestions.

I agree completely, I know I’m probably making it a bigger issue than it actually is and as PP this stuff is so stressful and I just wasn’t expecting it all at such a young age!

I am also really sensitive to her knock backs and when someone has said something mean to it’s literally like getting a punch to the stomach, I need to toughen up as I do really take it all to heart when maybe she’s more resilient to it. I also am over analysing every single thing I see. It’s so hard when you are not with them in school all day to see what it’s like!

I have heard her say a few things like “only two can play” or “I don’t like you dress so you can’t play” which is so out of character for her and I hate to think that’s what’s she is hearing at school and then mirroring. She the type of girl who loves everyone, wouldn’t leave anyone out at all she’d rather everyone play together. So it’s hard for me and her to understand why others aren’t this kind. But I suppose it is my job to teach her this and also make sure she never thinks it’s a problem with her. I find this part of parenting so difficult! She’s also never experienced people be mean to her before as she’s just been around her cousins or friends children who all play together lovely. But I know this is apart of life and she has to learn but I just wish it wasn’t at this young age. I’d hate for her personality to change as she’s such a character and super confident!

I definitely am not bothered about her not having a best friend I agree there’s no need at this age but I just really hope that the ones that have aren’t excluding her or being really nasty when she tries to join in with them. She quite young for her age no older siblings so I don’t really think she understands why anyone would be mean or not want to play. So I think this also confuses her which is such awfull to see!

@User19283 how is your DD now?

Hi!

Pretty much the same really. She had a rough week leading up to half term but this week has been a little better. There seems to be a very mean girl at school who says and acts quite nasty. Not just to my DD but to other girls also but it was my DDs turn to be on the end of it last week of term. I was going to chat with the teacher but she seems to be happier going back.

im still seeing the clicks and pairs and I’m still not sure where my little one fits in it all. But I’m trying to hold on to the fact that she’s really happy to go back every day. All I can pray is she finds her tribe and it’s left behind but I’m still worried sick about it all. She dosnt seem to realise when kids are excluding or being mean and will stick around. I hope she’d stand her ground abit more!