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DD being called a baby at school today

27 replies

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 05/09/2023 19:45

She’s 9, started Year 5 today

Come out at 6pm due to After School Club.

She is the only upper KS2 (year 5 and 6) in after school club, and one of only 4 KS2s in total, the other 3 are all Year 3s. This was confirmed by ASC that she is not only the oldest by 2 years but that they don’t have any year 5 or 6s at all signed up for this year yet, I asked how many Year 5s and 6s they had last year and year before and was told "very few, usually 1 or 2 at most"

She’s been told she must be a baby because all her friends now get to walk home and sit alone with their siblings for ages (half an hour at most from what I can tell). No-one sat with her at lunch or playtime due to not wanting to be a baby to.

I can’t pull her out of ASC as I don’t finish work until 5.30pm and she’s not ready to be home alone until 6pm – she’s an only and I’m a single parent. She doesn’t see her dad in the week. Many of her classmates either have older siblings so go home with them and a parent home just after they get in or they have younger siblings being picked up anyway. It's an area where a lot of grandparents will help after school as well so DD could end up being the only Year 5/6 in ASC.

I’m not going to go in or talk to the teacher yet, DDs in a new class this year as they mixed the classes up and I know it’ll take her a couple of weeks to break into friendship groups and the school run after school clubs haven’t started yet either so she hasn’t had a chance.

I just feel so bad for her. She hated school in Years 3 and 4 as she struggled so much with it – classes where mixed end of year 2 and she did eventually find a group of friends by October Half Term of Year 3 but she struggled with the actual academics, even though school say she has no issues - then write in her report that shes below expectations in all areas and needs to quickly improve but when I mentioned it to them, they said she wasn’t that bad. She came home crying most of Year 4 saying she hated the work as it was so hard and had a bit of school refusal, she finally seemed to settle into Year 4 at June half term and we had only 6 weeks of relative calm and her being ok. Her friends are in the other 2 Year 5 classes.

I’m worrying, I know I am, but I don’t want to send her in a spiral again. I can’t cope.

Another school isn’t an option, I moved her to this one mid-Year 1 due to issues with repeated toileting accidents that school conveniently forgot to tell me about and the current school is the only other primary within a reasonable distance. Both have large catchments and spaces in all years.

Anything I should be watching out for? Or I can do to help her over come this?

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slopsan · 05/09/2023 21:10

Talk to her teacher and after school club. Explain how upset she is. School should be making sure she is not excluded.

Older children at our club had a "role" helping the younger children which helped them to justify to themselves and others why they attended.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/09/2023 21:16

Oh that's so sad.

Is it a small village school by any chance? You get some truly vicious bullying amongst the girls from those when you get into Y5/6. It's a "you're not exactly the same as us so we're going to be nasty about it instead of understanding that different people do things differently."

The teachers need to know so they can address it with more work around diversity and understanding that people are different on small scales like "some people have curly hair" or "some people have red hair" or "some people go to ASC and some don't".

This won't go away by itself.

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 05/09/2023 21:18

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/09/2023 21:16

Oh that's so sad.

Is it a small village school by any chance? You get some truly vicious bullying amongst the girls from those when you get into Y5/6. It's a "you're not exactly the same as us so we're going to be nasty about it instead of understanding that different people do things differently."

The teachers need to know so they can address it with more work around diversity and understanding that people are different on small scales like "some people have curly hair" or "some people have red hair" or "some people go to ASC and some don't".

This won't go away by itself.

@SisterMichaelsHabit No large town primary, 3 form entry. The other school is also large and 2.5 form entry.

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SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/09/2023 21:18

Is it a small village school by any chance?
Sorry I've just re-read the OP and seen it's quite a big school with 3 classes. I still think the teachers need to be aware so they can do some work with the children on tolerance and respecting people's differences. If the kids are being so shitty about something so basic as needing to go into an ASC, God help them when they get a supply teacher who doesn't do the register the "right" way or a new classmate who isn't like them.

DustyLee123 · 05/09/2023 21:19

You need to talk to school now, it needs nipping in the bud.

Tulipvase · 05/09/2023 21:24

At my school, only year 6 children are allowed to leave site without an adult.

I would absolutely mention this to her teacher, your poor daughter. I also know our after school club manager absolutely wouldn’t put up with anything like this (even if it wasn’t happening there).

Lizlibrarian · 05/09/2023 21:57

Lots of y5 and Y6 dc go asc at my dcs school. My dc is y6 and goes to asc. About 4 started walking home alone after school in y5, but always home to a parent, never to sit at home alone for hours. In y6 lots are still walked to and from school by parents.
We started leaving my y6 dc for a short period at home alone during y5 but only when we stayed locally and for very short bursts. I think we were one of the first families to do that. I know plenty who still don't leave y6 dc alone at home. I would not allow my dc to walk home to an empty house and wait till 6pm even now in y6. It's too long. She goes to the local park with friends and without adult supervision but even that's is a recent thing.
I'm a pretty laid back parent and have let my dc do things before most so it's not like you're too cautious. I'm quite surprised more dc are not in asc.

Anyway I'd speak to her teacher about it and reassure her it's totally normal at her age.

elliejjtiny · 05/09/2023 22:02

That's awful, I'm so sorry. If it helps my boys in year 5 and 6 aren't allowed to walk home on their own yet.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 05/09/2023 22:03

My dd was in ASC all the way through primary, she wasn't ready to be left home alone.

I don't think it's that unusual, talk to the school and get it nipped in the bud.

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 05/09/2023 22:43

Lizlibrarian · 05/09/2023 21:57

Lots of y5 and Y6 dc go asc at my dcs school. My dc is y6 and goes to asc. About 4 started walking home alone after school in y5, but always home to a parent, never to sit at home alone for hours. In y6 lots are still walked to and from school by parents.
We started leaving my y6 dc for a short period at home alone during y5 but only when we stayed locally and for very short bursts. I think we were one of the first families to do that. I know plenty who still don't leave y6 dc alone at home. I would not allow my dc to walk home to an empty house and wait till 6pm even now in y6. It's too long. She goes to the local park with friends and without adult supervision but even that's is a recent thing.
I'm a pretty laid back parent and have let my dc do things before most so it's not like you're too cautious. I'm quite surprised more dc are not in asc.

Anyway I'd speak to her teacher about it and reassure her it's totally normal at her age.

@Lizlibrarian Most parents here are leaving children for 30 minutes max while they get in from work, one or two are with much older siblings (16+). Others have grandparents homes they walk to or are picked up by grandparents who pick up younger siblings.

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FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 06/09/2023 08:12

Had a word with wraparound lead when I dropped DD off this morning, she's going to make DD her grown up helper with all the new little ones who aren't allowed to start until next week. This week they're "preparing" her for the job

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Wonderfulstuff · 06/09/2023 09:06

Conversely my yr 1 is the youngest at her childminders and the other children are KS2... not sure if that's an option for you OP but it's worked really well for us.

MarchingFrogs · 06/09/2023 10:16

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 06/09/2023 08:12

Had a word with wraparound lead when I dropped DD off this morning, she's going to make DD her grown up helper with all the new little ones who aren't allowed to start until next week. This week they're "preparing" her for the job

That sound lovely; I hope it works out okay. It would also be nice if they gave your DD some form of 'payment' for the 'job'. Something to make her detractors just a little bit jealous...

Dobbyismostaggrievedsir · 06/09/2023 10:48

Could you offer to be the fall guy a bit for her? Tell her that she can roll her eyes and say "Oh I know. My Mum is such a dafty being so over protective. I wish I had an older sister to walk back with like you." That way the blame for it lies with you and not her for being immature.

I totally agree that 9 is too young to walk home, let herself in with a key and stay by herself for a couple of hours. You are just being a good, loving Mum who is making sure your daughter is not being asked to manage situations that she is not yet old enough for.

Iwasafool · 06/09/2023 10:53

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 06/09/2023 08:12

Had a word with wraparound lead when I dropped DD off this morning, she's going to make DD her grown up helper with all the new little ones who aren't allowed to start until next week. This week they're "preparing" her for the job

Oh that's lovely, I bet she will love her new status.

Iwasafool · 06/09/2023 10:57

MarchingFrogs · 06/09/2023 10:16

That sound lovely; I hope it works out okay. It would also be nice if they gave your DD some form of 'payment' for the 'job'. Something to make her detractors just a little bit jealous...

Maybe the Head could include it in announcements at assembly. "Littlefirstday" is the grown up helper in ASC, if any of the younger children need someone responsible to go to if they don't want to speak to a teacher "Littlefirstday" is the person to go to, let's all give her a round of applause on this important new job.

A badge is usually popular as well.

sashh · 06/09/2023 11:08

Iwasafool · 06/09/2023 10:57

Maybe the Head could include it in announcements at assembly. "Littlefirstday" is the grown up helper in ASC, if any of the younger children need someone responsible to go to if they don't want to speak to a teacher "Littlefirstday" is the person to go to, let's all give her a round of applause on this important new job.

A badge is usually popular as well.

I was about to suggest a badge. A bit like being a prefect.

MarchingFrogs · 06/09/2023 11:28

Iwasafool · 06/09/2023 10:57

Maybe the Head could include it in announcements at assembly. "Littlefirstday" is the grown up helper in ASC, if any of the younger children need someone responsible to go to if they don't want to speak to a teacher "Littlefirstday" is the person to go to, let's all give her a round of applause on this important new job.

A badge is usually popular as well.

Oh yesGrin

Marblessolveeverything · 06/09/2023 12:06

Great to see you have made progress. I am sure you are already saying how proud etc - I would also point out to her how the ASC saw her maturity, her ability and skills that led to this role. This will hopefully start her noting her own strengths which will help build resilience. Reframing is a skill I know I would love myself!

JeminasPuddle · 06/09/2023 12:18

Definitely tell the school too. It is great about the ASC and a brilliant response. But this needs to be nipped in the bud now. Not all parents work from home and are there when a child gets in. There are many year 5s and 6s in ASC at my children's old primary, my friend works in the ASC. It does not make her a baby in any way. Children need to learn that all behaviour has consequences, some good and some very bad. My children's school come down hard on this sort of stuff.

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 06/09/2023 16:47

Got a call from teacher today to say DD got upset at being called a baby again for being in ASC. Apparently the argument got quite heated as DD tried to defend herself and said about her job and got told "Only special babies get given jobs like that, sounds boring", no violence but one very upset DD - teacher knows its unlike DD as she taught her last year, but teacher says she wants to have a word with the Head of KS2.

I managed to finish work slightly early so on my way to get her. I am so sad for her, and theres nothing I can do, I need ASC.

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DarkForces · 06/09/2023 16:52

DustyLee123 · 05/09/2023 21:19

You need to talk to school now, it needs nipping in the bud.

This. I let a situation go on too long and bitterly regret not going in harder and sooner. This is bullying. I got dd to keep a note of what happened, when and its impact on her that really helped me get the school to take it seriously. I'd phone first thing tomorrow

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 06/09/2023 17:25

Have set up a meeting with teacher and HoKS2 for Friday, I can't get into school before then

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sashh · 07/09/2023 02:33

Oh your poor DD.

It was sounding so positive with her having a role / job. Kids can be vile. It sounds like the teacher is at least aware and making moves to stop this.

FirstDayOfYear5Issues · 25/09/2023 12:30

So things have been a bit better since the meeting.

DD was given a badge that said "School Club helper" and got her name read out in assembly, apparently the wraparound lead was there and said that anyone at breakfast or after school club who didn't want to ask an adult for help could ask DD and then the very little ones in Reception and Year 1 took it literally and now ask her random things in the corridor like they ask her where a certain teachers class is or for her to help them with opening packaging at lunchtime when they all each outside. It's a different colour badge to the school council and prefect badges as well so DD feels really special as she's the only child in school with that badge. Her official jobs are: Showing children where to hang their coats and bags, helping other children to carry their plates to or from their tables and helping the Year R and KS1 children to share the toys.

She also got invited to two invite only extra curricular lunchtime clubs by the Head of KS2. Which she started going to and has so far enjoyed.

The main girl calling her a baby got her school council job taken away and her class had to re-vote for their School Councillor. She's not happy about that and from what I've heard neither are the parents, but it's the way it is.

Won't say DD is happy at school again yet but she seems a but more settled.

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