Controlling child

[elsieandthepooch]

DD is about to finish reception in a two form entry school. For Year 1 the classes have been mixed. DD has been separated, at our request, from one other girl who all reception year has been very intense with DD to the point of being controlling and not allowing her to make other friends. The teacher was also aware of this and separated them at every opportunity.

DD was paired up with another little girl in the class who she started to form a really lovely friendship with and it was the first time DD was coming out of school happy because she had made another friend.

This other little girl (controlling one) has now latched on to DD's new friend and has become really intense with her. Yesterday we went to a birthday party and DD came home in tears because she wasn't able to play with her new friend as she was dominated for the whole party by this other little girl. DD is very upset because she feels like she can't make other friends because every time she tries to "break away" any potential friendship is jeopardised.

Will this all dissipate as they go into Y1 - DD and new friend are in the same class, but the other little girl is in the other class.

I just feel so sad for DD and also frustrated for her because she hasn't really made any new friends this year because every time she has tried she's been kicked and punched by this other child. I am also angry, but realise that they're 5 but I just want DD to be happy to have friends that she is free to play with.

Your DD is kicked and punched by this other DC? It sounds to me (also from experience) that the 'controlling' little girl may have some additional needs. It's good that your DD and her new friend are going to be in the other class come Sept. I had an issue like this actually and I too asked for my DS and other boy (who wouldn't let him play with others and was very possessive of my DS) to be split up and put in different classes. It really helped, as I think did the 8-week summer break. You're doing the right thing by physically removing your DD from close proximity to the DC who's trying to control her. Just make sure that the new teacher is aware of this negative dynamic and that you absolutely don't want the other girl being transferred into your DD's class, even if the DPs request it.

The summer break will help. Try to arrange some play or meet ups with the new friend over the holidays, so that the girls can play undisturbed and unthreatened.

But be aware that, come September, they will have break times together and the dynamic with the other child may resume. Your dd will need to be resilient and taught strategies to cope with this.

Thank you. I get on really well with the new friend's mum and after the party she messaged me to say that she was concerned that the intense feelings and control had passed from my DD to her own and she doesn't want that for her DD. It is a really tricky situation because this other little girl is so incredibly intense that it's not until the other child tries to break away or says no that the problems start.

I will make the new class teachers aware, although I have been told that DD's cohort contains a number of big and dominant personalities (girls) so there were a lot of separations that needed to take place so I doubt the school will do any moves but definitely worth mentioning.

I am just so sad for DD as I feel she has been robbed by this other little girl of the opportunity to make other friends this year and now she has effectively broken away, this new friendship has been jeopardised. I am worried this is going to be a pattern throughout her whole primary years with this particular child.

Unfortunately, you don't know what is going on in this other little girl's home life, she could have a home from hell which is absolutely horrific, it could be that she is Autistic but hasn't been identified as such yet. Teachers won't always connect the dots on this one

don’t feel too sad, your DD will be fine and this is part of life and growing up, not all social interactions will be good positive ones, this is where you can teach your child about what a good friend looks like etc.
we’ve experienced this ourselves. try to avoid the intense Kid over the summer, arrange some play dates with other kids. The classroom change will have a significant impact esp at this age, and likely will take the heat and intensity out of all this.