How do you stop obsessing and any positive outcome from similar experience please?

[cantputfingeron]

I have a thread on the SN section but as a follow up I wanted to talk to everybody who has/has had children in reception who's gone through the same experience.

In a nutshell ds, 4.6, started reception last September. Teacher is not very happy with his progress so far and has suggested he might be on the spectrum. He's either too shy or too forward and he's struggling to make friends. We moved here just before started school so he didn't know any of the kids in the class to start with.

His behaviour seems absolutely normal to me but he does behave in a silly way sometimes.

Teacher wants to have him observed in class to understand if he's only shy/clumsy socially because of age or (it was initially suggested) if it's because he has behavioural problems due to SN traits.

Nursery where he was full time for 3 years have never noticed anything and scored him very high on his transfer form so he was expected to do well.

I am finding the whole experience very stressfull and now I try to correct his behaviour when I don't think it's appropriate- i.e. he will go around with a soft toy cat and pretend he's a cat and talk like a cat. Or he will say things out of the blue while I am in conversation with adult friends just to get our attention. Normally these are sentences he's heard in a movie which he finds very funny. Etc etc

The problem is that I don't know anymore what is appropriate behaviour for his age and I can see that some of the things he does can be seen as odd in the classroom. However when he meets with his old friends from nursery they all seem to do the same things and have a big laugh about the silly things they do/say and he has a whale of a time.

SO since original conversation with teacher I find his behaviour worrying sometimes, but I find the same behaviour cute in his little friends - how strange is that?

I am worried that if he behaves silly during observation he might be labelled wrongly. Also on the other end I want to check that his behaviour is deliberately silly and he can actually be talked through behaving normally (whatever that means).

HOWEVER this morning he really froze me after I had told him that I didn't like what he was doing, when he turned around and smiling very cheeckily said to me: mummy, do you like when I am sleeping only then?

I would really appreciate some input on your experience if similar and what was the outcome.

Also - how to stop obsessing about the whole thing?
Report won't be back before end of March (have been told after Easter!) and I need to take a step back and relax...

Hi, I find it all a bit confusing aswell, children in reception can have problems settling in. There's alot of freedom in nursery so it's a big change for them when they start school. Making friends and knowing the rules of the playground can be very hard, especially if your ds is an only child, the cat thing and the interupting is perfectly normal. He's joining in in his own way and has not yet learned to wait his turn. It sounds as if they are trying to read things into the way he bahaves. Alot of schools don't like the quirky kids so they don't fit in very well. There's no harm in having him assessed though, alot of 4 year old behaviour can be the same as autism (not saying that your ds has this), so it's better to check. My ds is an only child, he doesn't have many friends his own age and he has problems making friends. His interaction with adults is great but he can wind people up at school so makes himself unpopular. He interupts, especially when being told off, he also uses lines from films, he doesn't have special needs though. Steve Biddulph has written some books about boys and their behaviour, they are really good.
Personally, I wouldn't be too worried. They just want to check. If he does have any of the traits for special needs then you'll know if he needs a bit of help in that area. They probably see a different side to him at school though, sometimes the darlings are angels at home and devils at school. Try not to worry.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this.

Your description of you ds's behaviour sounds perfectly normal for a 4 year old and I really wouldn't worry too much. The school have obviously got a concern, which is important to have checked out. Don't worry about the observation, he probably won't be aware that it's happening. The best thing is if he is his normal self during it (even if he is being silly, they will have encountered this loads of times).

If any special needs are identified, then it's great that they have been found this early on in his schooling. If he needs any extra support the sooner he gets it the better.

It may all turn out to be nothing, he is still very young! Good luck

I am in a similar position. Ds (4.10) is struggling to make friends in reception. He is very forward and quite aggressive when he perceives an injustice has been done to him.

No one has suggested that he might be on the spectrum but the school do clearly think that there are behavioural issues.

I obessess about this to an unhealthy degree but I can't help it. He is my beautiful boy and of course any perceived problems upset me. I agree, that any action should be seen as a positive thing and the school doing its best to deal with any problems (although I have to say your ds sounds normal to me).

Don't let your son see that you are upset by this (I know I do sometimes and it is the wrong thing to do) or let it force you into a way of dealing with your son that you would not have used before these issues came up.

This sounds normal awsell GoosetLoosey, he just has a strong sense of justice and morals. I think the playground rules are so hard to pick up, kids can be manipulative and a nice child or an only child may not be able to see this. Schools expect children to all be the same, I'm pleased that my ds is different. Don't let their system get you down, there's noting wrong with children that don't fit their mold.

GL and avenanap
ds is exactly like that when it comes to right and wrong. And he is an only child.

His catch phrase we used to joke is:
It's not fair!

He even gets upset when somebody is not behaving correctly in a fairy tale.

He will always question why anybody could be bad deliberately for no reason.

This doesn't make him popular in the playground when he questions other kids motives for excluding him or any weaker kid from playing together and he even ended up in a fight a couple of months ago with a girl who didn't want him to join in.

As he's shy he didn't say anything to the teacher on the reason why he had pushed the girl so he got the blame and has been labelled as difficult ever since.

Oh and I believe his lost some confidence to ever since....

The being "labelled as difficult" thing worries me most. Sometimes I think he and another child could do the same things but as ds is seen as a child with behavioural issues he will get into trouble where another child would not.

Glad to know I'm not the only one with a boy that does not quite fit in.

CPF - if you find a way to stop obesessing, I would be very grateful to hear it!

I had to move my ds to another school, the 'naughty kid' label is really hard to get rid of. He's really bright so he always asks questions about other children (and adults) and their behaviour because he can see what's going on. He doesn't understand what gives adults the right to tell children off when they are only grown up children themselves. I get him completely, it's a shame his teachers don't.
what good things does your ds do? Is he really good at reading? I'd obsess about this instead . Don't worry about the school, they don't know what to do with a quirky kid so they have to throw the special needs label at them. I sat and explained playground rules to my ds on saturday, one minute your friend wants to play, the next they don't. I can understand why they think it's stupid, it is if you think about it.

cantputafingeron - he sounds really sweet. The behaviour he is showing is appropriate to him, and frankly doesn't sound like he is doing anything wrong.

I'd say let him be. You might cause more problems for yourself if you try to surpress his nature when there really isn't anything to worry about. Also, he's a bit younger than some of them. There's a huge difference between those who have turned 5 already and those yet to. Its a gap that closes in time, but at this stage of development I think its quite a big difference.

On the one hand it is good that the school are giving it attention, but really necessary? Sounds to me like he's enjoying playing and messing around. Plenty of time to confirm next year. Reception is about getting used to the boundries of the school.

Have a word with the nursery staff for reassurance.

thanks FTS - that's a good idea to check with the nursery stuff.

avenanap, do you think that changing the school helped?

GL - LOL to your comment re finding a way to relax, but it's great to know I am not alone.
Your point is great and sums up my other big worry at the moment:

"Don't let your son see that you are upset by this (I know I do sometimes and it is the wrong thing to do) or let it force you into a way of dealing with your son that you would not have used before these issues came up."

I don't want him to feel I am tense around him and judging him for everything he does, but it's so difficult! I will start a yoga class, meditation might help and I will let you know how it goes.

Funnily enough ds attends the afternoon club at the school where he's considered as the sweetest child ever. He's the youngest in there so he gets lots of cuddles and attention.

I wonder if he feels threatened/overwhelmed by the fact that in the class he's only 1 in 30 children, with most of them older and (according to the teacher) wiser. None of the children in the class is only child and over 70% of the class has older siblings at the school.

But shouldn't the teacher pick up on this instead of suggesting something wrong with him?

Whenever I read these threads I feel scared witless as the behaviour that the schools have concerns about just seems totally normal to me!

You know perhaps you should go and see the teacher and put all these concerns to her. She is doing what she is meant to do, and I think that is a good thing, but it seems abit misplaced. You know your son and have no concerns, so why does she? Don't be scared to pick her up on things and ask lots of questions, but do get to the bottom of her concerns.

It is very sad that children who are behaving in a nice way should be labelled difficult.

thanks for the advise foxythesnowman, but I will talk to teacher after the report as we have already had long conversations and her attitude has slightly changed already when pushed as she will only talk about a clumsy or shy child and didn't mention concerns around SN traits during our last conversation.

Princessosyth - I agree with you and you cannot really understand how worrying is for a parent until it happens to you. I believe teachers should be trained on how to break this type of news to parents as this particular teacher has been quite blunt to start with even though has now changed her line slightly.
It's great if they can spot problems earlier on, but they shouldn't worry parents unnecessarily or go in there too early if they are not 100% sure.

I picked up ds today from school and he was pulling funny faces to other children and then decided to lie on the grass and make the impression of a ladybird.

When I asked him why he was doing that he said very matter of fact: "because I like to make people laugh..."
oh dear.... oh dear, here we go again!

He's being 4. The teacher is being a little over-reactionary. His behavior seems UTTERLY normal to me. Don't correct his behavior unless it is harmful, distructive or dangerous. Playing at being a cat is normal 4 year old behavior.

There's nothing wrong with liking to make people laugh.

All the assessing person will look at is whether his behavior is age appropriate, you can ask the teacher OUTRIGHT precisely why she thinks it isn't.

It sounds fine to me! My son rarely pretends to be anything, and I actually find that worrying!

He sounds really imaginative and completely normal. If only we could send our children to school at a later age and be allowed to embrace this stage of their personalities developing. Impression of a ladybird - great. Even better he appreciates it makes people laugh. Teacher probably duty bound to go down this path of nonsense as she is bound by current educational policies. Making you so worried it is affecting your life to the point you are anxious about normal 4yo behaviour is very sad.

cat64 - I appreciate you work in school and that observation is to actually have the whole picture of the child.

However I find distressing when the teacher mentions things about ds which are not like him at all- I am talking about basic things like:

• she told me he loves carrots- well, ds will eat virtually everything but hates carrots with a vengenance to the point of being sick if he finds some in his food
• she thought originally he was a loner by choice whereas he loves company
• She tought he had speach/understanding problems, but he's been always really good at talking (too much if you ask my family) and has a very good vocabulary and has started really opening up talking in the last couple of months.
• she tought he must have a phisical development problem as he didn't grip the pen correctly. Well, it took me 1 hour with him to get him to grip his pen right and he's done it ever since.

and I could go on and on- so we have gone from her thinking he was SN to now where she's talking about him being shy and clueless socially.

SO I believe that she should have waited to know ds a bit better before making such assumptions and telling me about them...as I have gone
FROM highly worried,
TO can't be possible this is my child she's talking about
TO what do I do until report is out and what can I do to help him correct his behaviour in a way they find suitable.

BUT- I am now starting to question myself, do I really want him to change his behaviour at this age to suit what they want?

I mean he's started opening up and talking a lot in the last couple of months in the classroom.
He's been talking since he was a year old and his language came really together at around 2.5 to 3 years old

He sounds a perfectly normal, bright little boy to me - and very much like my 6 yr old dd who is very immature and silly but never any suggestion at school of 'problems'. Boys often get motor skills after girls - my 5 yr old ds is way behind his sister and is generally covered in bruises from falling or crashing into something so the 'clumsiness' seems nothing unusual.

I love the idea of him being a ladybird - treasure that imagination whilst he has it. My dcs spent Sat morning turning the lounge into the world with clothes / towels / sheets etc of different colours, white for North and South Poles, yellow for deserts, blue for sea etc laid out all over the floor and furniture. I was stunned but enchanted - my mother was very strict and i would never have dreamed of doing anything like this but now have little imagination and find it hard to really empathise with people at times (especially artistic ones).

I would trust your instincts and the nursery staff and try your best to chill out and enjoy him and his fantastic character at least until the observation.

Hi CPF. Is your ds happy? I decided that this had to be the deciding factor for me. If he seemed happy then I would try and step back and let him integrate in his own way with just a little encouragement from me. If he is shy, can you invite some of his class around on a 1 to 1 basis - this is my current plan of action for ds. Ds is anything but shy at home, but I have come to the conclusion that social interation with his peers is something he finds difficult so am trying to discreetly help out here.

As I have said before, your ds sounds lovely and normal to me. Good imagination and a desire to interact with others if he wants to make them laugh. Lots of 4 year olds are clumsy and have not developed fine motor control - it takes some people longer to develop this skill than others.

hi GL - he seems very happy to go as he is now enjoying the writing and reading and science and numbers.

We had to work hard at home to give him extra support as he was getting a bit lost and behind and thought he wasn't clever enough to understand those. Teacher thought he had a speach and understanding problem, but in fact his confidence had hit rock bottom so he was shutting off.

However now he really likes to write his name and some words (he will ask every evening to write something before he goes to bed)and he tries to read signs/posters when we are out and about. His favourite game is to guess what's the first letter of words and will also try spelling words he likes (monster is one of them....)

The problem is that he still comes home sometimes being upset because nobody wanted to play with him at playtime and I don't think he's made friends yet. He's normally good with other kids in playground when with me and we have left him in creches at hotels where he'd play with other kids straight away, but he's still finding it hard to make friends at school.
I don't know why.

That is why I am looking so much in his behaviour and want to do whatever is possible to correct it to help him overcome this.

I am trying to became part of the playdate scene as well, so hopefully this will help.
The only problem is that all of the mums I normally talk to have girls and ds wants to play with boys.

How was your ds at nursery?
Has the school offered any scheme to help him make any friends?

Nursery always said ds was fine and rated him highly in terms of intellectual ability, but I was never sure, socially at least. Whenever I observed him, he seemed fairly isolated.

Playdate scene is very hard. Like you, my main mum freinds only have girls and I'm not sure that's what he needs. I bit the bullet the last morning I took him in to school and just walked up to the mother of a child he mentions a bit and asked if he would like to come round for tea. Must say, I am dreading the whole thing incase it does not work out - will I have made it worse if the 2 of them do not get on. What if ds is agressive towards the other child? Oh God, I can hardly bear to think about it.

School offer little help at all on the making friends thing although they keep telling me that that is what reception is all about!

What an interesting thread.

cpfo, my dd's in Reception and is so remarkably like your ds it's hard to describe. She sounds a bit more shy however so the 'clowning' antics she usually reserves for her two old friends (not in her class) but I can see that even they are beginning to look, I don't know what, 'embarrassed' by them sometimes? Giving her the cold shoulder a little.

Dd's quite a high achiever in terms of reading and writing but her teacher tells me again and again that she doesn't join in socially at all and spends most playtimes by herself, picking her fingernails and standing with her back to the wall. She also 'closes off' as you've described so even if she knows how to do something she'll stay quiet in the classroom giving the impression that she's not really there.

She's also an only child.

However the teacher has never suggested to me that she has any SN problems. And I can't for the life of me see why you should be worrying about your ds from the list your teacher gave you. I tend to agree with you, she's seeing a child who's not the 'norm' and is jumping too quickly to the conclusion that there's a 'problem.'

As to whether you should obsess... Probably not but you've got an only child and so you're going to anyway!

By the way, I meant to say re the 'clowning' that I think I know where it comes from. In dd's case at least she's got that odd mix of extrovert / introvert so her shyness is in conflict with her need to do something funny (she too loves to make people laugh - maybe they'll grow up to be comedians). She doesn't have the social skills (yet) to approach someone she likes the look of so she attempts to make them laugh instead. I think it has a lot to do with being self-conscious.

I remember Tommy Cooper once talking about how he was sitting down for an important dinner with some very influential people and he was terribly nervous. So he did a mad kind of falling back off his chair type thing. He said "Whenever I'm nervous and it's important I have to do something visual".