How to keep ds modest

[ssummers]

My ds is quite smart. He is only 5 and doesnt understand the whole modesty thing.

My friends little boy is struggling and ds says things like "'friend' why are you still on pink books". there are lots of other examples.

I have explained to him that we learn at different rates act . .

wondered if you have any advice what I can say when it crops up - it can be embarrasing 1. i dont want ds to sound smug 2. I dont want the other child being upset and 3. I dont want the mum being upset.

This is particually important as one of his friends is special needs and has been kept behind a year and I know this will come up.

thanks for any ideas

Everyone is good at different things. Some childrwen are really good at reading. Other cildren ARE REALLY GOOD AT NUMBERS, OTHER CHILDREN ARE REALLY GOOD AT POWER rangers. Some children are really good at being frineds with someone.

I think you have to be straight and explain it is can upsetting for the other child. Same with pointing at someone and saying out loud they are fat/ black or whatever, they have to be told not to. But at this age it is difficult, once they are 6/7 they get a bit better at empathy.

You can't -keep them modest that is. Most can't empathise with another child on more than a fleeting basis so don't get the whole hurt feelings thing until they are a bit older.

My ds is very bright, I seem to spend alot of my time explaining behaviour to him. I had a problem similar with my neighbours son, who's dyslexic. I explained that "everyone is good at different things. Some children can draw really well, some are really good at sport. It doesn't matter if your friends son is reading pink books, he just hasn't found what he's good at yet but it probably makes him really sad when you say things to him about the things he can't do."
If you look at the things he can do, is he caring etc and make these more important than the academic stuff. I hope this helps.

hmmm.

i was ahead at (infants/primary) school. my literacy was well ahead and other children would ask me for spellings etc if the teacher was busy.

and i learned to downplay the things i was good at. so as not to make others feel bad. and, i think, it was a mistake.

i think you need to also consider that your childs self esteem is a delicate thing, no matter how smug he may sound to adult ears, and he will eb easily put off from being 'the clever one'.

im sure you dont want to supress his appetite for learnign at this stage, or indeed later, do you? i think you ought to be more proud, and less negative tbh.

I can see no reason why a 5 year old child cannot be taught manners. Prehaps you could make a social story and talk about not boasting too much.

Sometimes the SEN child will over take the supposely high ablity child. Just like the hare and the tortoise in Aeslop's Fables. Most children have talents in one direction or another. My son is very good at reading, but he struggles with hand writing. His friend who is struggling with reading is an excellent swimmer.

If you don't knock this on the head then your son will lose friends and become very lonely. This will be far worst for his self esteem than being encouraged to think about feelings of others.

Boysontoast, it's not just a question of his self esteem, is it? What about the other children- doesn't their self esteem matter as much?

My ds spent 3 years at school thinking he was dim and unable to learn because his mate kept telling him so. Other parents reported the same thing about this particular little boy, that he was really knocking their children's confidence. It was only when they went to junior school and got put in different classes that ds got the confidence to actually try to learn to read. Before that he was always coming out with things like 'I'm not very clever you know' and when challenged would always say 'X told me so again today'.

My dd on the other hand was extremely bright, but I took pains to ensure that she could still be a good friend to other children, by gently explaining what not to say. This hasn't done her confidence any harm- to the contrary, it has meant that she is also socially confident.

They don't need to empathise to refrain from hurtful remarks- they just need to be told!

And if a child continues to make hurtful remarks then they need to be SEVERELY punished.

It is not OK to be a bully just because you are gifted and talented.

My son is achieving well, but I tell him that how he behaves is more important to me than what stage of the ORT he is on.

I'm not sure it sounds like ssummers' ds is boasting or being deliberately hurtful. He may be just asking a genuine question - why are you on pink books - not understanding that it could be hurtful.

As snice said, empathy is hard for 5 year olds, but explaining to him that such and such a comment might have upset someone is fine imo. Unfortunately he might not be able to "transfer" that information to another situation just yet. Worth persevering though I think. And try not to worry too much, I bet he isn't the only one who has difficulties with this.

I had a similar experience to boysontoast and downplayed the things I was good at so much that I began to make myself do badly.

If I was the OP I would just expalin that people learn things at different rates and that his friend is very good at XYZ. Please don't make him feel bad about being good at something.

Unless the OP is smug about her her sons talents I don't think the other mum will be upset.

I'm with BoysOnToast, learning tact is a developmental stage. The OP's ds isn't being deliberately unkind. A gentle word saying his friend might feel a bit sad if he keeps asking about it should be enough.

This stage is all about learning to negotiate social friendships for themselves and learn its rules.

Going in hard/getting the tone wrong, might affect his own developing sense of self esteem, by make him think that being proud of achievements or even achievement is something to be ashamed of. They get to the stage of thinking being bright isn't cool all too soon! (can you tell I'm a teacher?

yes, things will change and your ds's friends will catch up/overtake etc.

just tell him learning to read is like learning to walk or ride a bike, everyone does it at different times.

Heated, most of us did not suggest that the OP should be unkind to her son or go in hard- just gently point out that comparing achievements is not good manners and can upset other people. Just tell him that this is a thing he can talk to mummy and daddy about, but not to others- there are plenty of such things in life after all. Don't blame him for not understanding this of himself- social skills are like bike-riding, a new skill you're teaching him. See it as something positive.

Of course it is bad if children learn that achievement is uncool. But it is also bad if they "learn" (as my ds did at age 4) that achievement is something for other cleverer people, not for them. I don't know if my ds's friend's mum ever did tell him not to boast -I strongly suspect she thought maintaining his pride in his achievement was far more important than helping other people to feel good about themselves.

The other problem is that in the long run boasting, or taking an unusual interest in comparing achievements, will leave a child socially isolated. This may not happen at age 4, but is very likely to happen (from what my ds's tell me) by age 6. Nobody likes a person who makes them feel small.

So being gentle with your bright child is essential. But teaching them social skills is equally essential.

I was a very high achiever myself as a child- but distinctly lacking in social skills. Being clever didn't make me that happy: I was isolated and not at all confident. I knew nobody liked me, but couldn't work out why.

I notice that my dd, who is equally bright and interested in achieving, is much happier at school. She is popular because she makes other children feel good about themselves. The time I have put in teaching her social skills has not been wasted. I have approached it as yet another interesting subject to be discussed at home, like animal reproduction or the reasons behind the Second World War- 'what is it that makes people tick'.

gawd, forgot about this thread.

just read the posts after mine,... cant beleive peopl,e are so quick to jump on this 5yo for not being modest enough

hes 5. give him a break. i doubt he is being deliberately hurtful. hes asking a question ffs, not beating people up.

explain that people learn things differently at differnet rates, we are all good at different things and that his questions might be recieved badly and upset some people. thats all you can do. jumping on him from a great height for being clever (and that is exactly how he will see it, make no mistake) is just plain stupid.

sorry for being blunt.