Badly behaved at nursery, transition into primary school

[4YOWoe]

Really worried about my 4yo transitioning into primary school and afterschool club in September and would value other people's experiences or thoughts.

He is fine at home, out and about, and at playgroup or in the park. He sometimes doesn't listen or argues, or might shout at someone if they snatch or push, but is generally a pretty good kid. I use a lot of the How to talk . . . . strategies and natural consequences. He's way ahead academically and ready in that sense for school.

However at nursery is a different story, he kicks, pushes and hits, there is never a day with a good report. Nursery's view is that some kids are just feral and there is not much they can do. We are taking him out of nursery over the summer as luckily we can manage this around work - for the v short term.

Has anyone else had this bad behaviour at nursery, good at home? I hear loads of stories the other way round. Because I never see the bad behaviour, I just don't know how to deal with it, and I am so worried that it will continue into school. We had a meeting with his Reception teacher today who was saying if behaviour is an issue he may not be able to access after school club, which is stressful as we really need this (albeit two days a week).

What can we do at home about this?

I think DH has it spot on. You're certainly no further forward not doing anything, and the longer it continues (especially at school), the now damaging it will be for him.

Hopefully a behavioural therapist (not heard of them apart from with dogs!) could:
a. Point you towards a diagnosis if that's needed so you can follow that route.
b. Give you strategies for how to manage his behaviour which you can pass onto school.

I would have a meeting early on in the term to say you've been concerned and seen someone. If you let it lie he could just become 'the naughty one whose parents are too lax and have no boundaries' when actually he may have unmet needs. Also, it could be lax parenting (it very often is!) and that your expectations are not like school/ nursery so he manages (eg. Not making demands, expecting him to follow instruction, be patient etc).

Hi @Billyvoo my son took a term to settle into school with a fair bit of support from the SENCO. He is now doing amazingly, brilliant academically, popular with his peers, older year groups and much loved by the staff. SEN adjustments were in place for the first two terms but have largely dropped away now.

School's view is that his nursery was very much the wrong environment for him and he was overly ready for school. Our school is great and has a good reputation for SEN although they have said that isn't really what he is presenting, it was mainly learned bad behaviour.

Also school are good at reporting bad behaviour to us promptly so we can reinforce at home whereas nursery just used to bottle it up and explode at us every few weeks.

I would definitely wait for school start (assuming that will be September) and engage as much as you can with any support offered before going privately.

"Also, it could be lax parenting (it very often is!) and that your expectations are not like school/ nursery so he manages (eg. Not making demands, expecting him to follow instruction, be patient etc)."

Ouch! . . . In our case it was partly that we tended to avoid noisy, crowded environments, which are a trigger for DS, and nursery was exactly that.

In our case it was partly that we tended to avoid noisy, crowded environments, which are a trigger for DS, and nursery was exactly that

Ok. This does sound like ASD and the sooner he can get help the better. Schools are very very noisy. Some schools have quiet rooms if you can get some 1:1 time for him (this requires a diagnosis and many hoops but the senco will guide you). They can accommodate him over lunchtime in a separate room(which is extremely noisy as it's indoors). This will only happen with a diagnosis so you need to start that (long) journey.

Sorry, I thought you were the recent poster!!

I'm glad it's all going well for you. School sounds great. I'm sure it wasn't lax parenting. It isn't always but so often is that it's hard to judge unless you know other children from the family.

Thank you for replying.
Nursery was awful at communicating with us. It took them 3 weeks to tell us he had hit his teacher (I should have pulled him out then)
They then told us every thing was fine and then casually mentioned the school had saw him hit someone when they did an observation. Oh yes it been going on for months again and we’ve not told you.
we are easy going but I do not tolerate that kind of behaviour. Anything like that and we immediately leave the playground/activity etc.

And also to say I’m so glad things have improved for you all. It fills me with some hope!

Yeah I'm a believer that behaviour is communication. The wrong environment can really draw out negative behaviour.

I think other people have suggested school is always noisy. We chose a very peaceful, pretty well regimented primary which in its quest to be kind/nurturing was also good at explaining the rules including how to play kindly. This enormously helped my son, and he flourished in a way I wouldn’t have believed possible at nursery.

I would honestly enjoy the next few weeks and when your son starts make an appointment with the teacher and SENCO, maybe in the first couple of weeks if possible to discuss how he’s settling and next steps.

It's interesting about schools isn't it. We looked around loads and I was drawn to ours as it was a relaxed and peaceful environment compared to the others. Still fairly noisy but nothing compared to 45 uncontrolled preschoolers doing unstructured activies in a horde.

I do worry about transition to secondary (eventually!) as our local decent comp is 10 form entry compared to 15 in a year at this primary. But we have chosen an environment that ds is responding well to and that's the most important thing right now.

Billyvoo I so so regret not pulling my ds out of nursery earlier but hindsight is a wonderful thing and we can only work with what we see at the time.

I agree it's mostly the other way round. But looks like your DS doesn't like conforming to routine. But I agree the nu4sery should have found a way of dealing with him. He is only four after all.

@4YOWoe it sounds like you’ve done a brilliant job thinking about your son and working out where he will flourish. Secondary is thankfully a long way away and by then your experience will be much more solid and you will understand more of what will suit your son.

I've got tears in my eyes reading this @4YOWoe as I'm in the first week of a very rocky (and violent!) start to reception for my little one. Ongoing issues from his preschool. I'm so worried for him and his future but posts like this fill me with hope. He'll get there... tomorrow is another day 🙏