Friendship worry y3

[Dreambe]

DS(8) has always made friends easily and each year his teachers say he has a core group of friends and a larger group on the periphery that he sometimes plays with, he’s well liked etc.

All sounds positive but we have noticed in the last month that he never mentions his usual friends/the larger group and only plays with one particular new friend now, a girl (he always plays with a mix of boys and girls). He says they are all still his friends but he is playing with X friend now. Occasionally another child may join them but it just seems to be the two of them. He’s not mentioned if the new friend says you can’t play with anyone else (he’s faced that once before and told the child he will play with whoever he likes, he’s not a pushover usually).

He doesn’t seem bothered that he’s not playing with his usual friends and there doesn’t appear to have been any arguments etc. I know friendships are transient in Primary but this seems sudden and all his usual friends gone.

I’d like to know would it be OTT to ask his teacher if she’s noticed any changes at school? I’m concerned he’s being left out or bullied and not telling us. He’s had a group of 6 close friends since Reception and they seem to have disappeared completely.

I don't think it would be over the top to ask.

I think year three is when they start to have fewer friends, they started getting interested in particular things and finding things in common. Their interests become more specialised. When they are younger they all like trains and they all like Lego or whatever. By year three some like roller skating and some like comics. Their personalities are more developed.

Both of my (now late teen) DD's had male best friends at primary school. I think they found them less complicated perhaps.

@MossCow thank you, I think I will have a quiet word with his teacher to see what her perception is (if anything, she may not have noticed).

I tried to have a casual chat to him and it turns out this girl has told him she doesn’t want anyone else playing with them and tells other kids to go away etc. I reinforced that he can choose who he plays with and never to allow another child to dictate etc, which he knows already and has pushed back before in similar situations.

I think what concerns me too is that he told me when he first started playing with this girl that she has no friends so I was pleased that he is including her as we’ve always said it’s good to not let anyone feel left out, but now I wonder if this girl is a bit possessive and this is why she apparently has no other friends.

It wouldn’t hurt to have a quiet word with the teacher to see if she’s noticed anything. It could be a natural movement in friendships or there could be a reason why he is not playing with his friends now. Friendships get more defined now as a pp said so I think I would worry that he is possibly losing friendships when they should be becoming more solid now at this age.

Are his “former” friends mostly boys? Are they not impressed with the new girl friendship and are keeping their distance? Could he go back to them if he wished? I would speak to the teacher but also get some play with previous friends organised, if possible. Usually boys play with boys around now. Girls play with girls - I found. They are loosely friends with each other but few seem to have one special friend of the opposite sex in y3.

@TizerorFizz yes they are mostly boys. He has always played with a mix of boys and girls but it’s the boys who he isn’t playing with apparently.

DS says they are still his friends but doesn’t seem to understand that the longer he doesn’t play with them, the less they become friends and just kids that he is friendly with. So, he won’t get included in playdates, park visits, parties etc.

I will ask the teacher and yes, it’s a good idea to arrange more play dates

@Dreambe I do remember my girls only really played with girls after around y2. Boys were doing the same. It’s obviously ok to be friends with anyone but one girl might not fit in so well. It’s also kind to feel sorry for her. Was she put with him by playground staff? Sometimes they might ask for a child to look out for another one. It will be interesting to see if the school have noticed anything.

@TizerorFizz I have no idea how he ended up playing with this girl. I have spoken to her and her mum a few times and they seem nice, and a friend of mine’s DD used to play with her and said she is a nice girl. DS is possibly a bit unusual in that he usually happily plays with both boys and girls in groups.

I messaged the teacher this morning and she has already replied saying she has noticed that he has only played with this girl too recently. She has spoken to DS and reminded him that he can play with whoever he likes and he said the girl doesn’t want anyone playing with them, so she is going to speak to the girl and remind her too.

The class lists for y4 are being done at the moment so she asked DS to write down who he likes to play with and she will ensure that he is in with at least a couple of his usual friends, plus she will monitor the situation too. I’ll also try a few play dates with his
friends too to see if we can reignite that bond etc.

@Dreambe I wonder if playground staff could be alerted to DS and this DD needing to mix a bit more? Proactive monitoring of playtime could be useful. DD obviously needs to share your DS. He might, of course, get bored with her. Then it will be difficult for both of them. As he’s going into y4, he might find the boys and girls separate more. So he might be quite sidelined next year. Which would be a shame. Does he see boys at football/sport or clubs outside school?!