Should I move schools in September going into year 4 - advice please!

[Halbina]

Hi everyone - firstly thanks in advance for your advice.

The question is: should I move my sons school in September when he goes into year 4?

Here is a bit of background info: When my son was little he went to nursery near my work in town. He loved his time there and made lots of little friends. His time at nursery was a very positive experience and so we assumed school would be just as easy!

We live in a village and have a lovely village school near to us so started him here but it was clear that he wasn't happy and wasn't making friends. In particular there was one boy who he really wasn't getting on with!

In January it was his birthday and I wanted to give him a big party and invite all his school friends but he said he said he didn't have any friends at school even though he'd now been there for 4 months! So instead we invited his nursery friends who he really enjoyed playing with.

For us this party was the deciding factor that he clearly wasn't making friends at school so we moved him to a different school in town, near to the nursery where a lot of the nursery friends were now going.

We are now 3 years later and his time at the city school has been a mixed bag! Yes he's made friends but I've not been very pleased with the standard of the school. The school has some financial problems so the facilities available are poor, the class sizes are very big and in my opinion I feel the teaching could do with some improvement.

To date I've not wanted to move him as I didn't want to rock the boat especially after having moved him once already. But now that he's going into year 4 in September I'm wondering if now is the time to ensure he's in a school with the best facilities. He has 3 years left at primary school and I want them to really count!

I suggested to my husband that we try the village school again - the class sizes are smaller the offstead reports are excellent and the facilities are very good. In my opinion - 3 years is a long time, children change and just because he didn't make friends last time doesn't mean it will be the same again!

My husband says I'm crazy! We should never move him back - if we are going to move him we should go to a completely different school or keep him where he is.

Has anyone else moved their child at this stage of school or had the same thoughts of doing so? I'd love to know your advice.

Thank you !

What has been your child's academic experience at his current school? Is he making good progress in his learning?

Hi thanks for your reply. There was nothing worrying in his school report. However there was nothing great either! He was marked as average for everything except for maths so we are now paying for a once a week maths tuition class after school.

I wouldn't move him back again, if he is happy I would keep him at his current school. But if you feel he is behind then move him to a completely different school not back to the village school.

Thanks for your reply -yes maybe it’s best to not change things if he’s got friends at the school.

I really think your childs emotional well being is very important. I had to move my son in year 3 as he was being bullied and it took him over a year to settle in his new school but at the time I thought I had made the wrong decision. It's very hard to know what the right thing to do is but if he is happy and has friends then that is great!

1. How do you know the teaching is not good? Are you in the classroom? Are you a teacher yourself?
2. How will you know the teaching will b better elsewhere?
3. Why are you not allowing your son to settle anywhere?
4. Constantly reacting to every perceived hiccup or difficulty is going to cause issues down the line. The fact that you are considering moving back to a school you previously rejected is crazy really.

I think your mistake was to not try harder to make friends for him in reception. If you’d invited his classmates, persevered with play dates then things might have been different. You can’t keep moving him. My daughter has friends but I think her friendships could be better but I wouldn’t move her over that.

Thank you that’s really good advice. I hope your son is feeling settled now and enjoying school.

Because we moved my son 3 years ago now it’s hard to remember how heartbreaking it was that he had no friends at the first school. Due to the nursery friends he’s enjoying the second school so maybe I should just be grateful for that!

It’s tricky because you always want the best for them and sometimes it’s hard to know what that is x

The most important thing for your child is their mental well being. If they are happy I wouldn't move again unless a very serious issue appears .

Yes 1AngelicFruitCake I think I am regretting not trying harder with the first school and maybe overreacting to the difficulties he was having at the time. This is perhaps why I’m keen to give it another try. I was trying to do what I felt was the best for my son at the time but I think now that I made a mistake. Is it too late to try again? This is what I’m wondering.

Thank you for the advice yikesanotherbooboo. I am aware that my son takes after me with his high anxiety levels. So maybe it’s best not to move him or maybe a smaller school would help?

Thanks for your reply cansu. You’re right I’m not in the classroom but the problem appears to be too many staff taking time off for sickness / mental health. At these time there is supply cover but my son just comes home telling me he’s done some colouring/ watched a video. This is not helping his education.
Yes maybe I am “Constantly reacting to every perceived hiccup” although he has been in this school for 3 years so I feel I’ve given it lots of time!
Its difficult making decisions as a parent and sometimes I don’t feel I get every one right which is why I’m asking for advice.

If he’s happy and got friends, stick with it and carry on with the extra tutoring to mitigate. Especially if he’s got high anxiety levels - why cause him more stress?

You will get staff off sick everywhere. Supply cover will also be a problem anywhere as schools cannot afford to pay supply teachers. I think that a happy child will do well. I would not be moving around as much as you are. Lets say you move him and he finds it hard to make friends, what then?

You moved him because he didn't make friends in reception. In a year that they weren't in school for months. Everyone had that issue to an extent I think. Pretty much all kids didn't have that crucial settling in year.

Socially and academically year three has been one of the most badly affected. Moving him you really are taking a huge gamble and it's yet more disruption. Behavioural issues in the current yr 3 look to be sky high. And academically many many kids have massive gaps in learning which are often affecting others in the class in various ways. On these threads and MN generally it seems to be that the current yr3 that keeps coming up time and time again with issues with kids. (And it's been the same when they were yr1 and yr2 too).

Personally I would agree with your husband. Make it count where he is. He will get another chance come yr7 anyway.

As for sick leave etc. Again behaviour comes into it with yr3 I believe. They are pushing even experienced teachers over the edge and getting suitable cover for them isn't easy.

Thanks for your very detailed reply RedToothBrush.

I moved my son in January 2020 and the schools closed in April 2020. I think this time at home might have helped us if we’d stayed the first school ie given us the time to reflect on the situation because things always feel worse when you’re right in the thick of it! But who could have predicted covid!

I am very sympathetic to the teachers, especially in my son’s current school where there is a very wide section of the community and clearly some families are struggling. There are definitely a lot of kids with behaviour problems in his school which is very sad and this does effects the whole class.

Thanks for your reply Doublegloucester - you’re right that I don’t want to cause any extra anxiety.
when my son was little he’d only been to nursery and so in hindsight I realise that school was difficult for him because he wasn’t used to meeting new people. However now he does a lot of evening clubs and is used to meeting (and marking friends) with kids from different schools so I was hoping that this would help him to get through any change of school.

Sounds like the other man’s grass is always greener. You made the choice for the right reasons and for your DC sake you should stick to this. Remember this is primary sch after all. As long as he is happy that’s the main thing.

You moved him much too quickly the first time. Most kids don't make friends in their first year which is why people hand out whole class invites. The party was his chance to make friends, not a reflection on his social ability or likability.

Now you want to move him back for no good reason. He has friends, in academically keeping up and - importantly - is happy.

Ask him what he'd like to do. He's too old for unilateral decisions which affect him.

Likewise here. It's really worrying. I know that a number of the kids are stuck in the system trying to get SEN diagnosis and whilst they don't the school doesn't get the funding they need which is compounding the problem.

My son's class has had a particularly 'wobbly' year. His teacher said at the start of the year that this was fairly typical for year 3 as the friendships get mixed a bit and it tends to settle more in year 4. Add to that all the COVID stuff and she's said it's been the most difficult year she's ever taught. We are a 'niiice' primary in a 'good area'. She's taught in problem inner city schools before.

Academically the year groups SATs results fell off a cliff compared to previous years at the school - this is true across the country though with summer born kids worst affected. But I'm hearing similar across the country with certain classes being screwed. DSs school look particularly badly hit from the results though.

I know the school well and know staff at the school. And I know teachers at nearby schools. They are struggling with individual children in reception to year 3 in particular - and this owes so much to the SEN delays. One kid can cause that many issues it's disruptive to the whole class. The staff are getting physically hurt in ways they've never previously. One kid in my son's class did a dirty protest and put his teacher into tears. That's not the teachers fault. The whole system is creaking at the seams because of social issues which haven't been dealt with.

I am looking at what the school have done this year to try and improve things and I do think they are working hard to do what they can where they can. But DSs teacher has burnt out with it on occasion. And she's been fantastic otherwise.

We've also said it will do a lot for DSs resilience. And that's not a bad thing.

The disruption is the most difficult thing to deal with though - there are learning gaps there which DSs school know and understand for his class. This may be different for another school - they won't know what learning gaps your son has if you change.

Genuinely the most important thing though has been consistency and the social friends DS does have. There's been some bullying and DS and his best friend have got hurt by another child. But his friendship is why I wouldn't move him despite a pile of reasons to. Unless it gets significantly worse.

I would ask, is your son meeting expectations academically in most things? You answered yes apart from maths. That's good - I wouldn't worry too much about the academic stuff if that's the case. You are doing the right thing filling in the gaps with a maths tutor anyway. Changing schools isn't going to change that. If he was struggling with multiple things, I might say differently but he's doing ok. A lot of kids in yr3 just aren't. It's stunned me how some of the kids in DSs year are doing - these are good kids from good backgrounds with involved parents - the common factor seems to have been that they are summer babies. DSs year group are particularly heavy on younger kids too.

Given the circumstances, I would think very very carefully about making changes again.

The advantage your son has over the village school kids at high school will be the fact he can socially cope with the bigger school and perhaps the kids from backgrounds which are tougher. That's not a bad thing.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but please look at the context of where yr3 are nationally and how badly COVID has screwed yr3 and below.

My husband says I'm crazy! We should never move him back - if we are going to move him we should go to a completely different school or keep him where he is.

Your husband is right. Leave hime where is settled and has friends. Primary doesn't really matter that much, secondary school is so much more important. All schools are broke. School is not like a pick'n chose. If your son is happy, let him enjoy his childhood. You cold always arrange out of school tutoring and extra curricular for enrichment.

Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s so easy to make quick decisions because you’re worried about your child. Is he really unhappy or is it more the education he’s receiving?

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I few people have said that I shouldn’t have moved him so quickly in the first place and in hindsight they are right. However at the time I did give it lots of thought, I had a mumsnet chat like this, chatted endlessly to friends and family and had many pros and cons lists. It was a difficult decision, just like it’s a difficult decision now to decide what to do for the future.

I visited the city school 3 times before I moved him but you just don’t really know a place until you’ve been their a while and now thanks to RedToothBrush reply I now understand why there are so many troubles in his school. Unfortunately I just couldn’t have understood this at the time but sadly with so many kids needing help I do feel it’s effecting his education and maybe all this disruption in the classroom will effect him socially too?

I of course don’t want to upset him so I will not make any changes for the time being. Every year they mix up the classes in September so maybe this will help!

Thanks again for everyone’s replies.

I think it would be a mistake to assume his year at the other school is going to be any better. We’re at a lovely school with a very challenged year group. The level of need is much higher than normal socially and emotionally. It has only really hit home for me now that my younger child is heading to school how much the y2/3s missed of their formative education. The behaviour at the 4yo parties I’m now attending is consistently better than any of the ones I attended with my eldest.

You could ask him how he feels about moving back to the village school. Youngest dc moved schools for the start of year 4 but I involved him in the decision and wouldn’t have moved him if he was against it.