DD in Y3 can’t keep friends - utterly miserable

[Worriedisither]

hoping for some wisdom from other mums on this. My DD is in a girls prep Y3 and lately saying she’s feeling like giving up making friends because soon after she makes a new friend someone takes them away from her ( seems to be the same 2 girls with big personalities.) shes a kind girl, a bit shy and not hugely confident but has been trying really hard this year to make more friends but seems to be utterly miserable now and not “feel like herself anymore “ as she feels this always happens to her ….she says why Put effort in making a new friends when in week or so they go off her and don’t let her join in anymore. She says it must be her and she’s trying so hard but won’t be herself anymore as lost all confidence is who she is…. I organise play dates for her and they seem tj go well and she’s been invited to a few but at school playtime she seems totally lost quite often and ends up in tears . We’ve played out some scenarios and what she usually to figure out why this happens and honestly I can’t figure out why she isn’t able to keep friends… what am I missing ? Have asked teacher who says she can’t see anything in DD behaviour to cause this

I'm so sorry your DD is feeling this way - it's really rough. Will the teachers do anything to help?

I don't know if this is a comfort but a number of my DD's friends are at a girl's private school in y3 and it sounds like there are a lot of friendship dramas and bitchiness. Maybe this is something single sex schools have at this age? I'm not sure but I don't think it is just your daughter experiencing this.

If she can join any clubs or extra curricular activities outside school with a different peer group maybe that will help?

Thank you for responding much appreciated. I have asked school and the most they seem to do is get her a friend to go out with at playtime for a week or so and then it all fizzles out and we are back to the same scenario . I feel like I need to help her with some strategies so she can learn to manage this situation and make friends that stick around but am out of strategies myself as looking around the other girls all seem ok and playing maybe it is her but can’t figure out what other than she is not as confident as many others and maybe that affects how other view her ( girls can smell weakness ) and how to help change that when it’s a bit of a vicious cycle which makes her feel even less confident. We have joined clubs out of school and try to keep outside school friends and that seems ok but it’s when she’s in school that her self worth seems rock bottom now

I would change schools because the most probable cause is she is being bullied by isolation and ostracism.

I would consider getting her assessed for ND as well as a key sign in girls is struggling to progress from friendly acquaintances to firm friends. There may be other signs of ND that you haven’t noticed.

You're doing all the right things, it needs time now. And, as a parent of two girls the most difficult thing is to step back and let it play out (generally I would want to punch someone who told me that, but generally they're right).
It could be a personality thing with the two main girls, but I have been a primary teacher for 20+ years and I see it work out for the best year after year.
Keep inviting other friends round. Keep up with the out of school stuff. Keep practicing the odd scenario/ saying, "that sounds so hard today!"
I found that sometimes discussing my own (imaginary or exaggerated) issues with people at work offered her a comfort, to see that not everyone was as reasonable or kind as her own family, and that I could deal with it, and that was okay.
Maybe accept that this is it for now, and that in Y7 there'll be lots of new people.
Most importantly - she doesn't have to be every girls' friend, but she does have to be friendly to everyone.
She will be okay. It's hard, but try not to feed the issue by asking her about playtime - how do you know what the true dynamics are if it only comes through her lens?

Agree with @ChopperC110P - I was bullied at school via ostracism, and it took me months to realise that was what was happening - I seemed to make a friend, and then they'd just be 'unavailable', so I'd make another friend, and the same thing would happen, so I'd think it was me and feel absolutely worthless. In reality this one particular girl was pushing/manipulating them against me. All the time there was nothing obvious for me to complain about - no name calling, no bitching, teasing etc, it was just this gradually building wall of silence, as more and more girls were pulled into it against me. They'd speak to me if they had to (eg under the eyes of a teacher), but otherwise they'd avoid me.

Evrntually I confronted a girl who'd been my friend, and she admitted that she'd decided not to speak to me aftera conversation with the main bully, and suddenly I realised what had happened, and went to the teachers, who intervened, and managed to put things back on an even keel, but I didn't stay in touch with any of the pupils from that school as the damage had been done.

I just wasn't very good at political/social sensibilities at that age and it left me vulnerable to horrible treatment like that - not been diagnosed as nd, but I do have a lot of traits fond in people who are nd.

So definitely consider if this might be the case with your daughter. Don't just chalk it up to random 'bitchy girls', as it could be far more sinister.

Sounds like sound is at the wrong school, move her to somewhere suitable.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-Called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1Z2Q8XR39H273&keywords=bullies+bigmouths+and+so-called+friends&qid=1683708373&sprefix=Bigmouth+bullies+%2Caps%2C91&sr=8-1

This book was very helpful for my quiet ds. He was maybe a little older when he read it but not much.

Thank you for all your responses it means a lot to have a few different view points.
we have thought about moving schools, but I don’t see the girls themselves that she tries to play with as being particularly nasty or unusual so I do wonder if it’s something else. When they come over for play dates they seem to have a great time play well and get along together no problem so that’s where I’m confused in terms of What happens when she goes to school in break times why that experience seems to be so different for her…
you’re right @Speedweed I do think it’s one or two girls, especially one that is positioning the others against her at school, but when she is removed from the equation there seems to be no problem, hence the play dates and out of school activities working quite well. It’s so hard to report this kind of behaviour because it’s nothing specific but it’s this gradual moving the others against her quietly and taking her friends away. Although it does make me wonder what kind of friends are these that just go off so easily…. I’ve told her to try some new girls who I think seem lovely which she has played with them this week. The same thing happened to that new friend that she seemed to have a few good play times with then suddenly yesterday she no longer wanted to include my DD and wouldn’t say why. As my DD says “ I feel like I’ve run out of friends “ I’ve scheduled to speak to the teacher again but she is so young and honestly feels useless …. my DD had a best friend last year who moved schools ( and we are still in touch with) so I know she is able to make friends it’s just she seems incredibly lost in her cohort at the moment.
thank you for comment @Helpwhatwouldyoudonext I do agree sometimes it’s a matter of waiting it out but hard when your child tells you” mummy I think I’m just not likeable “ I also have an a older DD who struggled at times in the same school, but she was a much stronger character and went off and read a book on her own at regular periods when the bitching got too much, but I do think her year group was much worse. She is now happy and thriving with great friends at secondary. I spoke to her about my younger daughter, but the differences my youngest is really low in confidence and thinks it’s her who is the problem now die to the vicious cycle of losing friends whereas my older DD always had a lot of self belief and was more able to keep her confidence that it’s not her but the environment so survived without much scathing and now is much more discerning about the kind of girls She picks as friends. My younger DD is a whole different personality who has struggled with self doubt for a while despite our very supportive and loving home environment … a soft and quiet child unlike her sister so the same advice doesn’t seem to me working… perhaps she’s just that target the bullies look for .

Year 3 can be horrible for friendship issues.

The teacher should be doing more to help. Girls can't say 'you can't play with us' - that's mean.

When my dd was in Year 3 all the trouble was caused by one Queen Bee girl, very spying's putting the girls against each other so they all competed to be her friend. The teacher needs to stamp on this behaviour. If she can't, talk to the HT.

And keep reassuring your lovely dd that it's not her. 💐

How big is her class? I know that some preps can be very small.

Is it a through school or do you have plans to move her to another school at some point ?

@Speedweed
So awful that happened to you. People do not understand how damaging isolation and ostracism can be as a form of bullying. Yeah the kids will play nice when under the watchful eye of a teacher or if their mum makes them go on a play date. But then it is as you say, a “wall of silence” at school. It is designed to make the child feel like the problem is them and there is no active evidence of dislike like name calling or physical bullying. But it is still bullying.

OP- please do not help by thinking it may be your DD and she just needs strategies or whatever. It’s not your DD she is being bullied. I mentioned possibility of ND because ND children are at higher risk of being singled out and bullied, not because it can be in any way her fault.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/social-exclusion-and-girls-3288490

It is the school and lack of oversight during break time. This allowing the girls with large personalities to rule maybe happening during class time too. Ask about class time and see who gets to answer questions etc.
How many girls are there in the form or year? Get a few that is not into the loop of the big personalities, eg 3 girls and get the 4, your DC together for play dates and fun. Get your daughter to create her gang and tribe and not into one to one friendship. Keep this up for awhile and add no drama inducing types so the her group is about 8. They play together and have fun and not fuss about the others.

This is really breaking my heart. I have a very confident DD with lots of friends and even she finds the playground and friendships tricky to navigate sometimes. She has told me her relationships are out the boys in her class are ‘much’ easier than the girls. Personally, it does sound like ostracising/ bullying so I would try to move her to another class or move schools, preferably a Co-Ed one.

@HawaiiWake I agree there just arent enough staff watching what is happening at playtime and their playground is very large. My did you know dreads playtime. i’m speaking to the teacher again tomorrow, but honestly, I don’t have much faith in her doing anything and the headteacher doesn’t care in my experience.@WheelsUp class is decent about 21 and 42 in year so a few kids and it’s a junior school so she will leave for secondary but I don’t want to wait three years for her to be feeling differently about herself- Three years is a long time. I will push with the teacher to be more proactive ….
thank you all for your responses it did clarify for me that what is happening is bullying

Do they mix the classes for the new school year? That might help a little in September if they do?

Mine used to hang out with the quieter boys or read in the library when the little girl evil ness was at its peak. At 14 she’s the most popular girl in town and the little ex bullies are desperate to be her friend…

I don’t know if my experience will help but I finally worked out that my DDs experience of ‘not having friends’, was more to do with her not having a best friend.

she had a competitive personality and for a while she viewed friendship success about how much people wanted to be her friend, as in she wanted to be their first choice.

As she grew older she accepted she would never be that girl and eventually was happy to be in a loose friendship group of girls, but was never anyone’s favourite. She waxed and waned in popularity as the group changed and they got older.

I think sometimes books and films sell an idea of best friend and bosom pals for girls that not everyone can succeed in. I’d venture to say the role models for boys is less about having a best friend and more about being in a group that hangs out together.

This was us four years ago. Our DD also had lots of out of school friends. It was We moved schools in the end and she thrived. It was just that one particular class, dominated by a Queen Bee whose Mum worked at the school...
I hope you're not too stressed - I remember feeling heartbroken for her a times. Not fun. Best of luck to you both x

Why do people do this? Awful. I actually think it is happening to me now, by a particular mum. No issues with any friends until I became "friends" with her, then any mutual friends slowly started to act funny and pull away. I never had this in my life, so I know it is def her (I also noticed she talked plenty about other people, so that was a big red flag). But anyway, I just do not get why someone would do this and why people would be so dumb to listen to them.