WWYD How to deal with this situation.

[Porthia]

DD is in Y5 at a small single form entry village school (state). She has mostly been happy there although she has never really formed strong friendships. She always seems to be on the periphery. When she was younger she seemed happy enough and would just go and read a book or have a run around with whoever happened to be on the playground so it didn't really worry me.

About a year ago she finally started to make friends with a group of children and quickly they became her 'best friends'. All was well until just before Christmas when, for some reason, things changed and it seems that they are not being very kind to her. Leaving her out intentionally, talking about her within earshot, saying that they don't like her, blaming her for things that she hasn't done, telling her that the other kids don't like her etc. etc. typical playground stuff.

The problem is that she still loves these kids. I've been trying to encourage her to play with other kids but in Y5 I don't think it's that easy to just start hanging out with others. She just wants them to like her so much she is willing to do almost anything. It's heartbreaking. At the moment she either tries to hang out with them or she sits and reads a book, but she tells me she is very lonely and all she wants is a friend.

I've also been speaking to her teacher who is very supportive but as it's such a small school there isn't really anywhere to go to and only so much she can do as DD won't always tell her when something is going on because she doesn't want to get her 'friends' into trouble! (We have tried to reassure her that they won't get into trouble, it's just about giving her some space to be able to get away if they aren't being very kind to her that day).

Anyway, I'm at a bit of a loss. She is starting to hate school. Refusing to go in, saying she feels unwell but then clearly feeling fine by 10am (I actually think it's anxiety).

I've even started to think about moving schools but clearly that would be a last resort. She will be starting secondary in Y7 when there will be a much bigger pool of kids to be friends with so hopefully things will be better.

One last thing. I have often wondered whether my DD is neurodiverse. She does have quite a few traits that could point to ASD, although she manages pretty well at school from an academic perspective (socially another story). I've been wondering whether it would also help to explore that further.

Phew that was long! Thank you if you got that far!!

What’s the deal with secondary? Do they all go to the same or scatter?

This term is a rough one I think for year 5 and year 6. Year 5 are preparing to be cock of the walk as top dogs and year 6 are pairing off into secondary groups. It’s a bumpy few years I think.

There are 4 local schools (plus some independents) so they scatter with a good few going to each - plus of course there are 4 or 5 classes per year in secondary.

I think if you really don't want to change schools, I'd focus on getting her involved in something outside. Like drama or St Johns Ambulance or judo. Just somewhere she can be accepted and form friendships. My DD was stuck in a similar situation at that age. It can really affect their confidence and self esteem.

Something similar for my DD in Y5. It was awful and she was actually relieved when we went into the second lockdown. My DD isn’t neurodiverse but is v v sensitive, kind and I think was seen as a bit of a pushover. Out of nowhere her closest friend suddenly announced that she didn’t want to be DD’s friend any longer. There was also some excluding etc but the teacher was very good and had some sessions with the girls concerned as to how to behave in friendships etc.
DD was broken-hearted, cried, didn’t want to go to school but somehow it sorted itself out and they went into Y6 with everyone being friends with everyone. Interestingly now those same girls are clamouring to be her friend. I think they now realise what a great friend she is.

it’s incredibly tough to go through this but it will sort itself out. I’d see if the teacher has any tips or is willing to help in a more practical way.

Thank you! She is a member of s sports team outside of school and also has just started at Guides so hopefully will make more friends there. Although making friends is definitely something she struggles with.

I would move school if it would help but not sure if it would just be out of the frying pan and into the fire... being the new girl is REALLY tough (I know from experience of my own school days).

If it would help we could just about afford to send her private if needed and there are some local prep schools as well as independent that goes all the way through to 18 (although that might be a bit beyond our budget).

This sounds very familiar as my DD went through something very similar. Small schools are incredibly difficult when this sort of things happen because there is nowhere else to go. Worse in our case because the ringleader was also the daughter of a teacher. I wish we had moved her in Yr 5. Perhaps might be good even now. Or would you consider a year of HE (we did, long story, hard work...)

But if you are suspecting neurodiversity (and what do the school think) then definitely do something about that now. Firstly it will help her, secondly if there is a diagnosis, then you have it in place before secondary which will be really helpful.

In the meantime, are there other things which she can do to provide a friendship group outside school. DD always had other friends outside school and we really made sure she saw them, plus she did Guides and other theatre and art events, which all gave a sense of perspective.

x post! Also forgot to say that DD got a diagnosis of ADHD. She is now in a much bigger secondary and all the geeky kids have been herded into one class where they are all, mostly, very happy.

Oof. I feel your pain.
I think the hard part is that for a while she'd basked in the warmth of a situation which spoke to an unmet, maybe even unaware, desire in her, and now it's taken away it's worse than when she'd never had it, in a way. I have been in similar situations as a child and my niece and nephew also.

Things that helped...

• Time 😔
• Any time with friends or positive social contact outside school, which might be family friends, cousins, pals at clubs (my DD is also asd suspected and does an art and drama club where mutual activity allows for relationships without needing it to be a formed friendship).
• Doing things she finds joyful
• Taking about how no feeling no matter how bad lasts forever, stories of life changes that bring better times - give hope.

None of this is a fix mind you, only coping, but any help is needed.

Depending on the parents of these kids and your relationship with them... You could consider a chat to see if they can try to stop them sticking the boot in even if they don't want to play with her.

I hope brighter days are on the way. 💔

I’d speak to her teacher again and ask her to try and sort this out. Put some pressure on the school. Some circle time or chats about not excluding people, being kind etc might help. They need to know their patterns of behaviour are not going unnoticed. Sometimes that can be enough to snap them out of it.

I hate this so much! Really really feel for your child.

How upsetting for everyone concerned. The main thing I would do is try and build up her self esteem. I was your DD at school, the people pleaser, whatever anyone said/did. With my own DC and the benefit of an adult’s thinking, I have tried to be very clear that they must be polite and kind to others, but that equally they must not let themselves be walked over, bullied, made to feel less than. If things get tough, I encourage them to walk away or say they don’t want to be part of x, y, x. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. My own DM would have had me stick it out (different times), or assumed it was something I’d done/not done. In reality, the other children had stronger personalities and boundaries than me and I didn’t have the tools to stick up for myself or the confidence to walk away.

I'd probably be thinking of a fresh start if this was my DD. Could you go and look at some other local schools and get a feel for them?

We had similar with ds at that age in a small school. We did plough through and things improved once he got to secondary school. I would try and work with her teacher and encourage activities outside of school to give her the confidence that she can make friends. It is awful though.

I do not think that moving schools will help. I have 3 grown up DDs and they all went through similar things at different ages. I can remember it from my childhood too.

The school where I am CoG has a friendship bench where a child can sit if they feel left out - and the rule is that other children must join them there - if the staff on duty see that this is not happening then they get involved.

I feel for you, as it is hard to see your own child struggling in this way. You have already communicated with the teacher, but if it is continuing or getting worse then maybe another word would help - although it is also hard for teachers to deal with too!

If they scatter for secondary I would plough on at the primary. She’s got a big year and a big move coming up anyway, I wouldn’t push it sooner. I would try and gauge where the main culprits are going and try and go elsewhere for secondary so it doesn’t follow her. I’d also jump at any extra settling in days the secondary will offer.

and yes things all the outside school your doing are absolutely key to realising there’s more to life then school. She will find her people to people