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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Original poster

School resistance in 6yo

8 replies

Mummyof287 · 27/04/2023 15:55

Dd has just turned 6.
Every morning at the moment is a struggle as she is waking up continually saying 'I don't want to go to school' 'I hate school' etc and really dragging her heels getting ready which is stressful especially on mornings when I have work.

I have had gentle conversations with her about it asking if something is worrying her, someone has upset her or been unkind, and why she doesn't like it etc.
The usual answers are either because she doesn't want to be apart from me, or because she finds school and learning boring.
She has also said before she is worried about seeing her teachers again after a break (weekend/school holiday) as she hasn't seen them for awhile.
She hasn't given me any reason to worry anything significantly concerning has happened, and isn't getting really distressed or anything.

Afew mornings she has also been more reluctant at the gate to part from me (although is okay with encouragement and some extra cuddles/kisses) She always comes out of school cheerful and chatty.
She has also been more resistant about the after school club.

She struggles abit with her school work I think, she lacks confidence in herself with it and gets impatient/frustrated/upset when she gets things wrong or can't do something as well or quickly as she wants to.She also told me that everyone is getting all their spellings right apart from her (not sure if that's true or not) We had parents evening last month and teacher was positive saying how much she has come on with her focus and attention (which she really struggled with in reception) and that she tries hard.

She tends to struggle sticking with things, she gets excited by the novelty but once its worn off loses interest.The same happened with swimming and gymnastics.She is currently awaiting ADHD assessment not sure if that might be something to do with it, or maybe it's just how she is.

I guess my main questions are
A) is it normal for 6yos to be showing daily resistance to going to school?
B) What can I do to help encourage her (if anything! 🙈)

Thanks

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 27/04/2023 16:01

Ds was similar. He went through near school refusal in year 4/5 after he'd had a bad illness and missed most of a term.
He's year 11 now and still not particularly keen on school, but goes without too much fuss normally. He'd still rather stay at home (tbf he'd rather stay at home than go on holiday too).
His support for the teachers' strike, which was very keen last term has dropped when he found year 11s were expected to be in today. 🤣

Skybluepinky · 27/04/2023 16:08

Have u spoken to the school about her not wanting to attend?
is she in a class where there are lots of children that get told off?

Original poster
Mummyof287 · 27/04/2023 16:18

Ah thanks @MargaretThursday it's reassuring to hear that he is still going without too much issue even though he is that age now.DH didn't do great at school as his parents didn't value education so never bothered to give him any encouragement, and my parents were the opposite very invested but abit too pushy at times, so I rebelled and bunked off quite abit in Y10/11.

I'm not sure if she has a different attitude to her work and learning at school, what I report is only what I've seen in relation to homework, so maybe she is at different at school as her teacher says she is trying hard and applying herself quite abit, and she is different there in other ways I know (less emotional, eats better etc)

I should also add that I have tried to help her with the separation anxiety aspect by giving her a 'pocket heart' which does seem to help her feel better (all of us in the family have one to keep with us, so she can feel connected to us still)

I just feel like unless I'm bribing her (try not to do that too much though) or using threats of consequences such as losing her tv time, she just refuses to get ready as she has no incentive to do as I've asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyof287 · 27/04/2023 16:30

Skybluepinky · 27/04/2023 16:08

Have u spoken to the school about her not wanting to attend?
is she in a class where there are lots of children that get told off?

I briefly mentioned at parents evening last month but it has been happening more recently.Her teacher has always been really lovely, the TA seems very nice too although from what DD says she can be abit stricter but nothing major or I would have raised it.Her teacher seemed really surprised as says she is always fine at school (I definitely think she masks things somewhat there though, as we often do at work/school compared to home!)
I plan speak to her teacher if the reluctance continues though.

OP posts:
Jules912 · 27/04/2023 16:40

What support does she have at school? My DD was like this until they realised she was likely autistic and put some adjustments in place ( btw autism and ADHD often go together if you feel that fits). She still has a few wobbles ( especially after they put the spelling test and PE on the same day) but is a lot better.

Bigoldmachine · 27/04/2023 19:58

Hi we had this a bit and are now out the other side, thankfully. My dd was just as you describe.

then I noticed that if we were there early, before the gates opened, she would skip in happily with the other children. Or if we were late, just as the bell was going, she would happily run in to make it to class with everyone else. It turned out the bit she was anxious about was the “milling around in the playground” bit, finding a friend and trying to enter a conversation or game. Which once I knew that made complete sense. So one of her friends mums offered for us to meet up / wait for each other for a few days so the girls could go in together. She loved that. And then the next week we did a more casual “if you’re here at the same time let’s go in together, if not don’t worry” approach and she has been fine ever since (even when the friend is not there).

we also talked about it not at getting ready time (which is time pressured and can feel stressful). I got her to tell me all the things she loves about school, I told her how well she’s doing and how great it is she can read now etc etc, and how just getting over that little bump at the start of the day opens up so many good opportunities. Also talked about how in life sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other, take it one step at a time. Eg in the morning - “you don’t have to worry about the playground yet, we’re just brushing our teeth. Let’s just focus on this step”. That helped and she sometimes still goes “one step at a time mummy” if she’s worrying about something.

we also got her a worry monster, you write a worry on a bit of paper and zip it in its mouth - it eats the worry so you don’t have to carry it around any more - this helped too.

lastly I talked to her about some of the things I’m really glad I’ve done in my life, and how nearly all of them I felt a bit nervous. How sometimes nerves / anxiety / worries are helpful and sometimes not. If they’re not helping you you have to push through them.

that was long. Hope it helps a bit and hope you get through this soon!

Original poster
Mummyof287 · 27/04/2023 22:18

Jules912 · 27/04/2023 16:40

What support does she have at school? My DD was like this until they realised she was likely autistic and put some adjustments in place ( btw autism and ADHD often go together if you feel that fits). She still has a few wobbles ( especially after they put the spelling test and PE on the same day) but is a lot better.

The school have been really supportive and have put in place lots of helpful strategies for her- nurture groups, time out (not in a bad way- but at her discretion) with a fidget box if she can't sit with the class, movement breaks and sensory circuits etc.
She could be autistic, hard to tell as she has quite afew crossover symptoms such as emotional meltdowns/outbursts & high sensitivity to noises.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyof287 · 27/04/2023 22:26

Bigoldmachine · 27/04/2023 19:58

Hi we had this a bit and are now out the other side, thankfully. My dd was just as you describe.

then I noticed that if we were there early, before the gates opened, she would skip in happily with the other children. Or if we were late, just as the bell was going, she would happily run in to make it to class with everyone else. It turned out the bit she was anxious about was the “milling around in the playground” bit, finding a friend and trying to enter a conversation or game. Which once I knew that made complete sense. So one of her friends mums offered for us to meet up / wait for each other for a few days so the girls could go in together. She loved that. And then the next week we did a more casual “if you’re here at the same time let’s go in together, if not don’t worry” approach and she has been fine ever since (even when the friend is not there).

we also talked about it not at getting ready time (which is time pressured and can feel stressful). I got her to tell me all the things she loves about school, I told her how well she’s doing and how great it is she can read now etc etc, and how just getting over that little bump at the start of the day opens up so many good opportunities. Also talked about how in life sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other, take it one step at a time. Eg in the morning - “you don’t have to worry about the playground yet, we’re just brushing our teeth. Let’s just focus on this step”. That helped and she sometimes still goes “one step at a time mummy” if she’s worrying about something.

we also got her a worry monster, you write a worry on a bit of paper and zip it in its mouth - it eats the worry so you don’t have to carry it around any more - this helped too.

lastly I talked to her about some of the things I’m really glad I’ve done in my life, and how nearly all of them I felt a bit nervous. How sometimes nerves / anxiety / worries are helpful and sometimes not. If they’re not helping you you have to push through them.

that was long. Hope it helps a bit and hope you get through this soon!

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this- sounds like you've done a great job supporting your daughter 😊
My DD is still at the stage where we take her straight in, so no waiting in the playground, but it's interesting how little things like that can be big deals to them and cause alot of anxiety isn't it!
The idea of taking things one step at the time sounds great, I will definitely use that idea, aswell as getting a worry monster as DD loves cuddly toys and things like that.
And I agree relating her anxiety to our own works well- DH is good at that, we try to validate her feelings and show her they are okay to feel :)
I think I also need to try and get her up abit earlier so our mornings aren't so rushed and stressful, as she naturally takes awhile to wake up properly!

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