Not sure my child will cope with reception

[ApplesandOrangesandPears]

My daughter will be 4 in June, so she's starting reception in September. Academically I think she will be fine, socially however I am very worried. She doesn't cope with loud noises, or strangers, or children touching her, she has a fairly restricted diet, she gets upset and refuses to say what's wrong, she doesn't tell anyone what she needs (e.g if she's thirsty/needs a wee/needs help). At home she's like another child, she speaks amazingly well, she loves learning new words, she's funny and kind and imaginative - but when she sees a stranger she shuts down.

She does cope well in her very small nursery, but not around her childminders. If we go to the park she struggles if its busy and so won't play. Her big sister is so outgoing and carefree so I never had to worry about her starting school but this time round feels very different. What can teachers do to help her settle in and what happens if she doesn't? She is so bright and she needs school - but I'm just scared of how she will cope.

Does her new school have an inclusion lead? I would let the school know before she starts - DCs school sent forms before Sept where we could flag things like this and we also had a parent teacher meeting. DCs school really recognises some children may be going through big changes or struggle socially and the inclusion lead comes and helps them and takes them to special calming room if needed.

They do, my eldest has the complete opposite struggles so I've been involved with them with her as well. I will let them know before she starts, I'd like to know if they'll allow me to send her in with some things that might help her too or if she needs an EHCP before she'd be allowed.

You can send her as part time as you like until the term after her 5th birthday, so for you the entire reception year. This could be 2 or 3 mornings, you're legally allowed. Could increase it as you see fit to transition to full time for Year 1.

Have you ever looked up selective mutism for her?

My son was diagnosed with it at the age of 2. It can go hand in hand with ASD (not always and my son isn't ASD)

He was totally normal at school but could not speak at preschool or nursery.

We did lots of work with him at preschool and school also worked with him. We had great success with a book called 'my names Eliza and I don't talk at school.' Also one called 'the loudest roar.'

With SM the key is to not make a deal out of it. When he finally spoke at school we all wanted to dance a massive jig but couldn't.

He is 6 now and no longer a SM. It might come back when he's older if he get anxious again, but for now he's fine.

Even without an EHCP they might allow it. My son never got one because he didn't have ASD alongside.

School did allow him to take his transition toy to school. It stayed in his bag all the time but he knew it was there.

They even allowed me to come into school to help him use the toilet for the first time (he was holding all day and then having accidents) this was against covid rules at the time but they let me.

I've never really considered selective mutism because it's so random when she does shut down

My child has SM and is autistic. The routine of school and a supportive SENCO has made the place really suitable for her. Can you have an advance talk with the SENCO and Reception teacher to get reassurance?

Sounds like my friend's daughter (6) who has just been diagnosed autistic. She is a lovely, bright, lively thing one on one but she does struggle in school. Quite a large school too.

Hopefully she'll get some more support with her diagnosis.

She's Summerborn. She can start school age 5 (and a bit) if you get your finger out and get the process started.

My June boy started school at CSA and it was the best decision ever!

I have very similar worries about my DD - she has just turned 4 and academically I think she would thrive in school as she loves learning new things. Socially, I am so so worried. She does great at nursery (but she has been there for 2 years!) so they have no concerns, and I’ve spoken to the SENCO and her pre-school room but they’ve said there’s not much they can do as they’re not seeing any issues there.

Anywhere there is new people, new environment, loud noises, too many people, she stops talking and we have started signing to communicate so she can tell me how she’s feeling. I’m worried she’s going to start school and just not talk there at all 😭

My daughter is 9 but sounds just like yours.
She did cope in school but it's getting harder for her each year 😩.
She's on the waiting list for an asd assessment so I'm hoping once she has her diagnosis the school will actually see her struggling a little clearer!

Have you considered that she might have ASD?

If you’re worried you can send her next year - she needs to be in education the term after she turns five and not four. I did this with mine and he’s a happy, thriving eldest-in-the class (but not much) 11 year old now finishing off primary. Many of his teachers told me they wish more kids were like him - not because he’s special, but because he’s ready. Good luck!

I have considered ASD, however her nursery see no issues there and I'm worried I may be over-reacting. I think the academic side of school will be brilliant for her, she wants to learn everything.

Schools often don't see issues as children, especially girls, mask.

I would see the SENCO. I wonder whether, as you visit the school daily anyway, whether they can do any extra transition for your DD on the quiet. e.g. Having the yR TA come out and make friends with her so she stops being a stranger, or having a bit of a play in the classroom at the end of the day when it is empty etc.

Just don't send her. School at 4 was fine for one of your children; you know it is not fine for this one, so don't do it. Give her a year to find her feet a bit more; to gain in confidence. What would she gain by being plunged into school before she is ready?

We all happily accept the idea of "readiness" when it comes to toilet training for example; school readiness is just another example.

My daughter was like this and I was so worried. She is fine. I got her into dance at about the same time so she had another set of friends / teachers if school was tricky. She is still dancing 8 years later and has no issues with school.

She took ages to be able to tell people needs though and at 12 is sometimes too shy to go to the toilet at other houses, but she manages.

My daughter didn't speak at preschool to anyone except her key worker. (I never knew until she said hello to a PS teacher a year later at school and she said it was the first time she had heard my daughter speak.) - However she was fine at school. Very quiet. Hardly answered questions. Played only with her 1 or 2 friends. Didn't ask to go to the loo. Etc etc But has gradually learnt confidence. (She wouldn't play in a playground where there were other kids, she sat on my lap at parties until about 6/7) She is 13. She will never be the first to volunteer. Never be the first to try new things. But academically she is doing well. Would she have benefitted from a diagnosis as others have said......I don't know because every school has treated her with kindness and compassion anyway without a diagnosis. She hasn't been pushed too far outside her comfort zone. She has always been gently encouraged....

I'm sure your daughter will do well and the school will support her. Please try not to worry - especially if you know the school already and trust them.

She sounds quite similar to my DS (who will be 4 in August). Academically, he is more than ready for school and clearly bored at his pre-school and so the idea of him doing another year there is not appealing. He was quite slow to talk though and although he never shuts up at home, he is very quiet at school and not as independent as some of his peers. That said, he's made a huge amount of progress in the last couple of months and a lot will change between now and September. He also loves his new school and doesn't want to leave whenever we visit. I think he wall always be quite a quiet and introverted person because that's his personality and that's not massively going to change.

The fact that the nursery see no issues and you do is in itself a sign - she's masking at nursery.

She might not be masking at nursery at her age, more likely it just works for her. A very clear routine, a smaller quieter place and knowing everyone there so she feels safe and comfortable. DS with ASD loved preschool, no one thought he was autistic there, not even any teacher at school once he started, it didn't become more obvious till almost secondary school age. If she was masking all day then the chances are as soon as she left it would all come out and she'd be losing it at home.

I do think she's ticking a lot of boxes for possible ASD, I wouldn't rely on nursery or school teachers to pick it up though as they really aren't experts and are only likely to notice the more extreme cases.

DS is not good at asking for help - still as a teen. He doesn't always recognise when he is thirsty/too hot etc either. He can't always explain what's wrong (generally he's just feeling overwhelmed). He sometimes doesn't like loud noises (noticeably puts his hands over his ears) but then other times is fine - loves fireworks. He's a fussy eater, doesn't like being touched and is wary of anyone he doesn't know - takes him quite a while to warm up to people. He needs a lot of time out alone to decompress after being at school all day. He is very bright and got mostly 9's for his GCSE's. I'd say he sounds very like your daughter.

He got a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome back in the day when that still existed. Sadly they've now lumped everyone in together under 'autistic' and been able to use that fact to raise the bar hugely on who gets to be assessed. From what I've read if your child is not struggling to the point where they can't attend school then getting an assessment is very difficult. It's a really shit situation. If you're able I would highly recommend considering a private diagnosis at some point.

I’d defer her in that scenario tbh. You can provide the academic stimulation you think she needs at home and reception is play based anyway.

Far more important to give her more time to develop her social skills and independence. It will also give you more time to see whether there are any SEN and the opportunity to get support/have plans put in place with her future school. She’s very young in the year anyway.

My sons behaviour is very much likes your daughters, his birthday is July and he started reception last year. I was so worried about it as although he had been at nursery and then preschool since 8 months old, he never really settled and never played with other children, he was still prone to getting upset when I took him to preschool.
I do wish I had insisted he started school at 5, he has only just started to enjoy being at school and it feels like it has been a long and worrying 8 months. Like your daughter he gets very upset and isn’t able to communicate what’s wrong, he just shuts down. He has only just started playing with the other children, for the past 8 months he has played on his own, and has only just started feeling comfortable enough to eat his lunch and use the toilets at school.
His teacher has been so understanding, he’s been on a plan that focuses on what he finds difficult to build his confidence and he has some separate lessons in a quiet space with a couple of other children. He gets quite overwhelmed and upset by loud noises and will cover his ears so his teacher has been great at identifying what might upset him and remove him before he cries. He also won’t play with anything that another child is on/using, like at the park.
Due to not being emotionally ready he is now ‘below’ in every subject/area that they measure his progress in and I have to be honest it all feels quite depressing.
My concern now is that he has just found a bit of confidence to come out of himself, he will be finishing reception class (which has 12 children) and then have a whole 6 weeks off away from school environment, and then be moving into a new classroom with a new teacher and unfortunately it’s a double year so year 1&2 together, I voiced my concerns that I feel he will get ‘lost’ amongst 40 + children and that the transition again will be difficult, I don’t want him to lose the small bit of confidence he has managed to build.
If I had the chance again I’d have really tried to keep him behind until he reached 5, I don’t think starting school at just turned 4 has done him any favours at all. We just have to get on with it and work with the school to ensure he’s getting as much support as possible.

I’d definitely not send her. Summer kids don’t do as well socially even in general - when they don’t have any issues from the start.
I have a summer child - bright academically, etc - but it’s so clear even years later that they are not the most socially confident.

You don’t have to send her now. She is not ready socially - which is the most important at this stage - why do it to her?
Keep her in the nursery where she is ok. Let her grow up and mature by one more year. Use that year to fight for her -
and get the admissions allow her to start at reception - as it’s your right now even in England. Get the nursery involved - ask for assessments, at least get them to support your report. Find a private specialist if you can - she only has you to advocate for her.

There is absolutely no reason to make her struggle and have unnecessarily stressful start of school years.