Help me understand Playdate politics.

[Acrossthethreshold]

Hi there,

Can any wise one help me understand boys friendships age 8 and the politics of the playdates? My DS (8) started school and seemed quite popular. Was regularly asked on playdates. I always reciprocated too, so it wasn't one way traffic! There is a large age gap between him and youngest sibling so at the moment he is like an only child!

The following year more or less the same thing, but maybe slightly less. Fast forward to this year and they seem to have really fallen off! Classes were mixed up and I feel DS has found himself falling between groups. There are a few parents who are happy to have their DS come over, but no longer reciprocate though they host others! It is a snobbish enough school and definitely feel like there is some social engineering going on. We are clearly not rich or powerful enough for some!! I really didn't think kids would be brought into it through.

Genuinely DS is a lovely boy, very sociable!! Everyone comments on his manners. He is certainly not perfect if anything he is a little sensitive.

I feel upset for him seeing others going off on play dates where previously he was invited! I have invited friends over but feel like it's not being reciprocated!

It's feels like he is being left behind.

Any words of wisdom please?

It may be a bit to do with age and people inviting smaller numbers.

My oldest had a best friend who was in another class, a couple in her class she was more friendly with, but was generally friendly with most.
So when it came to parties in year R she was invited to all the girls in her class, several in the other class and a lot of the boys who weren't just inviting the boys.
However by year 2 she'd dropped down to her best friend and the couple in her class she was more friendly with, and it pretty much stuck as that through primary.

My second daughter had two best friends in her class, and a couple more she was quite friendly with in her class.
All the way through she was invited to their parties and anyone who was having a whole class/all girls party.

I think with dd1 she was generally nice and friendly to everyone, so other than her best friends, she was second tier for almost everyone, boy or girl. So when people were doing big parties she was probably about 4-5 on most people's lists, and 1-3 on her best friends. Once people dropped down to doing trips for 2-3 people as tended to happen in her class, she was just down to her best friends.
With dd2 she was number 1-2 on her best friends, but because she didn't play as much with others, down at the bottom for the rest. So she didn't see the invitations drop off in the same way.

I think that makes sense.

Thanks for taking time to respond MargaretThursday!

Is it common practice for parents to engineer friendships, encourage/ discourage depending on their status? Seems to be a lot of that going on amongst a certain group! Disappointing kids just aren't allowed chose their own friends!

@Acrossthethreshold yes, it is common for some parents to engineer friendships. I have seen it. And you can sometimes have parent (usually a mum, who is a real B%&%#) that will talk badly about children. We have one mum like that in my dd class and she has talked about numerous dc to other mums, ruining friendships. I am not sure why some mums can not see what she is doing. I know because she has spoken to me about a few children in the class saying - X is a bully, Y is a liar, Z is a real B). She literally says these things about kids. And it is not true. And then these poor kids end up losing out on friendships after. Mostly, I think the mum is just pathetic and jealous of these kids she trash talks about. One is a better singer then her dd, one is better at art, one more academic. Perhaps there is a mum like this at your school too?

So we've actually been told to try and engineer certain friendships by the class teacher. DD is in reception. To be fair, DD is caught in a bit of a dynamic where she is pulled between two girls who she was at nursery with, which has prevented her from forming other friendships. DD's teacher is aware of this dynamic and mentioned some other children in the class who she feels DD should be encouraged to play with. Think the other parents were told the same so we have play dates sorted. Fortunately, our school is not one form so in Y1 DD will be separated from the dynamic she is currently in.

Interesting points. Maybe I'm wrong, but in our experience, DD started in Reception and like you, we had almost everyone over to get to know them and the family. I mean this, in an innocent way. Year 1 and 2, play dates were less, but it was more common with the children she played with. By year 3 and till year 6, play dates were only her close friends, but also lunch dates with the families. It turned out that these weren't always her closest friends but the parents who became our friends. So try not to worry. It isn't personal to your lovely boy, but maybe friendships between parents have formed. If you're keen, you can still do the inviting and if it's not reciprocated don't worry.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way! How friendly are you with the other parents? I’ve found as children get older, parents start only inviting the kids of parents they’re also friends with. It is - as you say - a type of politics, but I wouldn’t worry that it’s anything to do with your DS personally (or your financial status). Also the kids themselves tend to have smaller groups of friends as they get older vs in reception.

I think this is probably quite common... DD had playdates with almost everyone in her (small) class in P1 - now she's in P4 she actually mostly has playdates with her outside school friends and a very small handful of school friends.

In her case it's nothing to do with social status but more to do with the fact she trains a lot for sport outside school so between that and family time, she doesn't have heaps of free time for playdates - when she does have playdates she generally prefers to see 'home' friends because she spends a lot of time with school friends in school. So there can be a few different factors at play.

As they get older, I think it's also more difficult to fit the play dates in - the kids are doing more after-school activities, and more of the parents are back at full-time work. I suspect that also means it's easier to arrange play dates with the parents/families you know well, because it's a bit awkward to say to a stranger "would Tommy like to come for tea - we will have to spend part of the time in the park outside sibling's swimming lesson, and can you collect by 6 as he has cubs?" And if you're doing reciprocal childcare regularly with one family, then arranging play dates with other children probably takes a back seat. (Oh, and talking of seats, sometimes as more siblings come along, transporting an extra child home is problematic.)