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Boys' friendships

8 replies

Cantdoattitude · 15/03/2023 13:55

My DS is 7, in year 2. He is almost certainly neurodivergent (we think inattentive ADHD, also possibly ASD). I'd describe him as introverted but pretty sociable and on the outside often seems confident, loud etc, albeit quirky. He's sensitive, kind, funny and diplomatic. He would never voluntarily play on his own beyond toddler years.

He's always had a small number of friends and seems happy with that. In private day nursery, it was him and two other boys. In pre-school he became close with one boy, who is also loud, confident, a million miles an hour, and they would get up to mischief together. He has stayed friends with this boy and in reception made two other close friends, one boy and one girl. For a while the four seemed to play together a lot but this fizzled out and it now seems to be the three boys, or maybe two of them. He still likes the girl and will play with her at parties or on play dates, but I get the impression they don't play together much in school any more.

He doesn't branch out beyond these friends, at all. He is getting slightly better at working with other children in class, apparently, but will always prefer to work with his friends. Without fail at break times it's the two boys he plays with (often in a threesome, sometimes with one or the other). His teacher mentioned at parents' evening that the 3 boys seem to play role play type games more so whereas a lot of the others play traditional tag, chase (which DS does like but I can see why role playing with your besties is more fun). It's a 3 form entry school so plenty of other children too.

He goes to clubs without the friends, and also after school club once a week, and I don't get the impression that he's ever alone without anyone to play with/sit with, but I think at these clubs he'll play with whoever is doing the same activity that he wants to do, rather than making friends.

Should I worry? I don't know how normal this is. I only ever played with the same two girls at primary but I think I might also be ND and also my school year was very small so there was a limited pool of friends. I have held a couple of play dates with children outside of his little circle, and they get reciprocated but as the children don't really seem hugely close nothing has ever come from it. I'm worried he will be so used to only having these two friends all through primary that he'll struggle when it comes to secondary.

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RachelSq · 15/03/2023 15:17

Sounds fine to me!

My DS is year 1 but only has one close friend who he’d choose to do things with.

When he wants to do an activity (at an after school club as an example) he does it and knows he has to mingle with who is there, or do it by himself.

Your description of characteristics (“I'd describe him as introverted but pretty sociable and on the outside often seems confident, loud etc, albeit quirky. He's sensitive, kind, funny and diplomatic.”) is genuinely exactly as I would describe my son too. It seems like a close knit group and a focus on activities is what this personality gravitates towards!

You mentioned possible ASD/ADHD and we’ve had similar ponderings but happy not to push for a label when really there’s nothing he’s particularly struggling with right now and I’m still in the “he’s just young and being himself” camp.

I’m just happy that my son is happy, but my heart will break at the point when/if he realises he’s “not popular” if it bothers him. At the minute he’s just totally happy doing his own thing and being himself!

Cantdoattitude · 15/03/2023 15:42

Thanks for your reply @RachelSq. Yes same, my little guy seems genuinely happy. Your little guy sounds great! Good to know it's not just mine. He definitely prefers small groups.

We have been pursuing a diagnosis/diagnoses mainly because he hasn't had a completely smooth ride in school. Lots of low level disruptive behaviour at the end of reception and early Year 1 which is what's swayed us towards ADHD (also his dad has inattentive ADHD) so we wanted to make sure our suspicions are out there so at school he isn't labelled as naughty, and so far it's working, he's doing very well with regular movement breaks, being allowed to fidget etc.

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Oblomov23 · 15/03/2023 16:09

Eh? What's there to worry about? Sounds fine.

Cantdoattitude · 15/03/2023 16:52

The fact that he doesn't branch out beyond a couple of close friends @Oblomov23. I'm worried about him being too reliant on so few!

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RachelSq · 16/03/2023 15:43

Cantdoattitude · 15/03/2023 16:52

The fact that he doesn't branch out beyond a couple of close friends @Oblomov23. I'm worried about him being too reliant on so few!

I absolutely get this! I’m worried about a really strong friendship creating an over-reliance that would genuinely cause issues if it was to end for some reason.

My son does seem to be tolerated by others in the class, but doesn’t seem interested in following that up with playing with them much.

We’re also so similar in the classroom situation! As our DS is one of the brightest in the class and has an excellent recollection, the teacher is very happy to accept he’s learning even when he’s not outwardly showing signs of being attentive (he’s not being disruptive to the class). Obviously we’re keeping an eye here because things can change quickly!

Sounds like our boys are so similar!

buxtonwater · 16/03/2023 22:13

I don't think there's anything to worry about if he's happy to be playing with his close friends and everyone's happy. Sounds like he's great at maintaining friendships which can be hard for ND kids so I think he's doing really well.

Cantdoattitude · 17/03/2023 07:19

Thanks @buxtonwater. Yes I’ve read that maintaining friendships is an issue for ND children whereas my DS seems to be the opposite - he’s maintained these friendships so well that he doesn’t acknowledge the possibility of others! I’m of course really glad that he’s got his two solid buddies. The boys are also quirkier than average and I suspect at least one (maybe both) might also be ND themselves.

@RachelSq they sound VERY similar! That is my DS - his teachers haven’t been able to believe what he’s learned/retained because it looks as if he’s definitely not listening. He is also doing very well with his work.

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RachelSq · 17/03/2023 09:24

Cantdoattitude · 17/03/2023 07:19

Thanks @buxtonwater. Yes I’ve read that maintaining friendships is an issue for ND children whereas my DS seems to be the opposite - he’s maintained these friendships so well that he doesn’t acknowledge the possibility of others! I’m of course really glad that he’s got his two solid buddies. The boys are also quirkier than average and I suspect at least one (maybe both) might also be ND themselves.

@RachelSq they sound VERY similar! That is my DS - his teachers haven’t been able to believe what he’s learned/retained because it looks as if he’s definitely not listening. He is also doing very well with his work.

My son is a definite candidate for not looking like he’s listening but can then recite everything that’s been said quite often. On the flip side, sometimes he plain isn’t listening (rather than just looking like he’s not) and he’s then left say on the carpet scrambling to work out why everyone has moved!

To me this feels very much like a combination of ADHD and high functioning autism (what would have been called Aspergers), but I can also see similar traits in myself, especially when I was younger, so it could just be personality or maybe I’m ND too.

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