Daughter hating school but actually enjoying school???

[Blossom19]

Hi,

Daughter is 6, she does really well in school. She enjoys educational themed activities to do in the home (personal choice and interest) e.g. reads, writes, enjoys online school maths/reading challenges the school sets as homework. So actual school interest and ability is not the issue here, I’m pretty sure anyway.

More and more she complains about how much she hates school, there’s too much work, she hates her friends, her friends are “too rough with her”, and also “I only like the weekends and holidays”.

I’ve spoken with school as she did get herself into a right tizz complaining of an upset tummy, which I know usually a sign child is anxious. Not wanting to dismiss her emotionally I explained she was likely feeling this way because of how she was feeling towards school and not actually physically ill and tried reassure her that we would do whatever to make her feel better about whatever is upsetting her.

School have been very supportive and reported back with nothing other than some tattling on between two other girls and nothing major “I’m telling on you, you stuck your tongue out at me”.

So school and also us parents are encouraging her to play amongst her other friends and stay away from the tattlers and if they persist to try to calmly walk away and act uninterested. Easier said than done, as I know this sort of thing can totally rile and upset kids. Tattlers also being kept a watch on too by staff.

That all said I’m just really at a loss with how to communicate better with her. I’ve tried explaining that we will help anyway to make sure she is happy at school and explain why we go to school and agree yes the weekend and holidays are fab but they’re not everyday unfortunately. She’s started saying she hates me, feels angry with me all the time. It’s like I know she’s trying to make me feel bad, and I’m not going to lie it’s working, I feel shit and frustrated because she’s happy as Larry at pick up and can’t wait to tell me everything she’s done that day!

Some of the mornings are gruelling, having to physically get her totally dressed (we also have a 3 year and 7 month old). So I’m ashamed to say the odd threat e.g. of not being allowed to go to her pony club if she doesn’t get ready for school, because she can’t be skipping school and galavanting about at weekends, just not how it works.

How has anyone got past this in a positive manner and kept their cool? Im almost 100% sure she’s not the first kid who prefers the weekend and Holidays🤷🏼‍♀️😅

Just to add, also very aware she may easily feel perhaps left out as the oldest of three and only girl. So we make allowances for her, we make her feel like she gets a later bedtime than her younger brothers and make sure she gets one to one time in the evening.

I think as I sit back and read, I may be overthinking a lot. Allowing this to emotionally impact me more than it should. I don’t have any close friends anymore, I don’t get to socialise a lot since my middle started nursery in the afternoons. My entire day is structured around school drop offs/pick and meal times/breastfeeding my infant. So I guess I don’t really have anyone other than my husband to talk to and bless him, he’s working very long days right now so I only get to see him at the very end of the day. He feels a lot of same frustrations as I do with wanting to say the right/constructive thing when she’s being extra defiant.

Sorry for the extra long post, I just want my wee girl to be happy because her Mummy is sat here upset about it all.

TIA💕

Hi OP, my DD is 12 now but has always said she doesn’t like school and prefers being at home. However, when I mentioned this to another mum years ago she was shocked as she went into school to help regularly and said how DD was always happy and having fun etc. Teachers said the same. My DD also complained of tummy pains around the age of 6 and the doctor said it was very common at that age. Nothing came of it.

Anyway, she’s started high school now and still moans and says she doesn’t like it but comes home buzzing each day, has lovely friends etc so I think the issue is rather there are bits she doesn’t like and she can’t do what she wants and in her mind that means she doesn’t like it. As bad as it sounds, I kind of just ignore it now. I wouldn’t worry too much.

My DS is 8 and on y4. He sounds similar to your daughter- he does well academically and socially, but he hates school. On reflection my school life was the same- I hated the enforced structure, having to be in rooms with loads of people and the lack of control.

It's got easier for my son over the years. Things that have helped my son over the years is having loads of playdates to reinforce/ remind him of his strong friendships- especially during the holidays; watching his tablet in the morning (to minimise how much time he spends thinking about school), and just listening and being sympathetic to how he is feeling- he knows we can't change the situation, but he knows I understand that he doesn't like school.

His school have also been great, they have tried loads of strategies over the years, including ones I suggested as I know things that motivate him or because my son has suggested them to me. E.g. he responded well to having a special helper role in the class. They also tried giving him a specific thing to do every day when he came into school, and having a book to write in each day before hometime with the goos things about that day.

I think a lot of kids would like school if only there were less of it. It can be overstimulating and exhausting. That doesn't mean they aren't having fun in a way, but on balance it may be too much for them. There's noise, crowds, and demands which they don't have at home. There's easy access to other kids, but little opportunity to just relax and play with a friend without distractions and interruptions and negotiations about who's playing with whom today, so it is hard work socially too. It reminds me of small children at a huge birthday party: they tear around and shout and leap on the bouncy castle and appear to be having a great time, but they can only take so much of it before they collapse, often in tears.

Are you in a position to home educate your daughter, even if it is only for a year or two? It sounds like she might enjoy it.

My DD likes school as in the work and subjects and learning things. What she does not like is the school environment, its loud, other children don't behave or follow the rules (DD is autistic so this is a biggie for her), she didn't really get social cues at Primary and I think alot of her fallings out or perceived fallings out were because of this. Whenever I contacted school though they said things were fine.

Perhaps get your DD to act out on dolls what she means by "her friends are too rough" and give her some stock phrases to use when she needs to and practise them. She is still very young and wont be able to fully articulate exactly what is wrong and is likely to go round the houses abit.

If mornings are hard make sure that you have prepped as much as you can the night before so everything is to hand to give you a little more time, even pre-pouring cereals into bowls so you just add milk.
If you walk to school maybe separate the end point with the journey "I wonder how many daffodils we will see today, I bet Ill see 20!" and turn it into a competition separate to the end point.

If she is happy when she comes out of school direct her conversation to that to focus on the good things "What made you laugh/smile/happy today? Then bring those things up again just before bed and first thing in the morning so the seed is planted that school is a happy and fun place.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. And there is some excellent advice above from other posters. I have the same combination of Girl, boy, boy with the DD being the eldest and I had this at various times throughout her education and also had it with the boys are various times. It's probably hard for her seeing the brothers staying home with you and then her having to go to school and if it isn't always happy, which it won't be, kids can be horrible to each other at times, that will only fuel her dislike. One on one time, preparing the night before and focusing on the positive are all great things to do. This is the time when their brain is developing so much emotionally so if you can gear it out of the negative, while still listening and acknowledging the challenges she feels, you will be laying the ground work for her mental health development in the future.

I would stop going down the road of ‘tattlers’ being in the wrong.

Children should be encouraged to seek help from a teacher if they are uncomfortable about something that someone else is doing, and that’s a good thing. We need to get rid of this idea of ‘telling tales’ being bad because it encourages children to hide things when they are genuinely being bullied or abused.

It does take some time for children to learn what is worth telling the adult and what is petty nonsense because it’s not an easy concept to get used to, but you’re doing her a disservice if you’re teaching her that she should stay away from people who stick up for themselves and get help from an adult if they need it.

Could it be the transition between school and home that's more of an issue? My dd13 has always been the same. In the morning, she hates school, but she comes home buzzing. Parents evenings are a round of praise the child, everyone loves her, she's great in lessons etc etc.

But she's awful at leaving the house. Where ever we're going (especially if it's in the morning) she gets super stressed, hates everything, doesn't want to go etc etc I've come to the conclusion that for us, it's the transition. Sometimes I push her through it, sometimes I coax her through it. She'll even say now that she knows she'll enjoy it when she gets there, it's just the barrier of getting there.

I had/have this. I still remember when my eldest was 3/4 years old and would complain she did not like school. I had the complete shock at the teacher meeting when the first thing the teacher said was DD loves school! She is so happy, doing well etc. All my dc seem to complain about going to school at some point or another, but then after a week holidays they are wanting to go back to school. I suspect they want to stay home partly because they know I am home and mama is so much fun :)

I think you are over reacting to her little moans and groans. Maybe it would be better to be more breezy and more 'Oh well, everyone loves the weekends but we all need to work and go to school'. I think over analysing what she says is probably encouraging it.

I'd have loved school were it not for the other kids. Definitely would not have wanted to be home schooled, though.

Listen to her, keep doing what you're doing with her and the school watching the interactions and encourage her friendships with other children.

Same here with my 6 year old DS, and I fully understand how it can impact your own emotions - I was in pieces tonight after he cried about his day today.

He has some problems socialising with the other boys in particular, even those he considers his "besties" (I would describe him as very serious and a little mature for his age, while most boys are just boisterous 6-year olds). He also always notices and mentions when a child is not behaving, or when a teacher has not followed through with a threat to another child for misbehaviour. I think it's a combo of finding school easy academically (so not very interesting), but difficult socially. I'm at a loss and considering speaking to the teacher tbh.

I think I need some tips on how to help DS shift his mindset a bit and help him not take the other kids too seriously.