reception child

[cascade]

We moved to the area just before my dd started school. She is the only one who did not go to the schools nursery unit. She has been at the school six months now and only one invite to a childs party. and that was only because it was my best mates sisters little boy. Im really starting to worry as best mates little boy has been invited to loads. My dd is starting to notice and is really upset that noone invites her. We have parents evening coming up and i want to bring this up, but how do i do this, without sounding stupid. its a smallish school 1 form entry. Im really starting to worry that she isnt making friends or other kids just dont like her

Are you inviting children over to play? That may help. Does she mention any special friends?

cascade IME parents of children that age tend to invite their mate's kids, rahter than the child's friends (does that make sense?!)

I don't think your DD is unpopular, more likely that YOU aren't well known yet IYKWIM

have you considered having some kids round to play at yours? one at a time! Just to get her "known" by other parents?!

the problem is i work full time. When it was dd bday we invited everyone to her party, thought it would be a good way to get to know who was who, but no invites back.

its very difficult isn't it.

Could you hae someone over for a couple of hours at the weekend, maybe?

Cascade - my DD was the only child in reception who did not know anyone which can be difficult. We also both work full-time so it is difficult to do play dates etc.. Only thing I can recommend is that try and engage other mums/dads when you drop off - or have weekend play dates instead.

We dont do any of the drop offs or pick ups, the reason why i havnt invited any one over is that i dont know any of parents, and would you let your child go to someones house you didnt know and dd never talks about anyone in particular. which i have felt is strange as at nursery she had 2 litlle girls who she talked about non stop. im really worried and upset for her. Im also feeling guilt because weve moved to a new town and i work full time.

Yes--I let my children go to unknown people's houses when they're parents of other children in the class. I might try and find out a bit about them first, discreetly.

who does drop offs and pick ups? Can you ask them to keep an eye out and suggest people your dd might like to invite to play?

we have a really nice, great childminder. I havent talked to her about the issues, i havnt talked to anyone about it. How do you bring up to people Oh by the way my dd doesnt get invited to parties.

how do i approach this with the teacher? I dont want her to fob me off with teacher talk. If there are problems with dd i really would like to know, so that i can deal with them

As someone has already said at this age it tends to be the parents that do the inviting rather than the children and they usually invite the off springs of their mum friends.

Could you book a couple of afternoons off and arrange play dates or this is probably a bit over the top but could you have a easter/spring party? and invite some class mates over for a treasure hunt or something just to give her an opportunity to mix with the friend outside of school. Or how about joining the PTA, ours always meet in the evening, a good way of meeting other mums, I must admit I was totally unprepared for how much socialising you have to do with other parents in order for your child to make friends!

princessosyth, yes thats what im beginning to realise that im gonna have to try to make friends. Im just no good at small talk, i really hate it. Im ressured that all you experienced mums say its to do with parents rather than child. That puts my mind at rest a little. I just hurt cause dd gets really upset. In the car last month she burst into tears and said its x bday today everyones invited apart from me. I said how do you know that? because x went round giving invites out and i didnt get one. What do you say to that? I keep reassuring her and trying to explain that not everyone gets invited as limited nos and some other children wont go either. but thats starting to wear thin. IYSWIM

You have my sympathies. My DD has had exactly the same problem and I've had all the tears in the back of the car and "I'm not invited" sobbing.

I do however think that some parents at some schools just sometimes have an attitude (and that this attitude sets the tone for invites etc); whereas you will find that parents at other schools don't (and the norm is to invite everyone in the class and anything else is seen as plain rude).

By attitude I mean that some parents find it quite acceptable to exclude children from parties/ invites etc., and to tell their children that they are doing so (which then results in them repeating such lovely comments as "and you're not invited").

I can totally understand it if its a case of it being an all girl party or all boy party, or just a couple of very close friends going to the cinema, but sometimes it makes me furious when these parents do a 'pick and choose' of children and then leave their kids to do the dirty work (handing out the invites in the classroom, rather than as parents having to face the parents themselves).

I would raise the issue with the teacher. It may just be that you've come across a cliquey school. I also know that quite a few primary schools refuse to have 'invite handing outs' going on within the school, for a number of reasons.

I think that sometimes parents who organise the parties, don't always know who is in the class. When I organised ds's party he mentioned a few random names, not even his closest friends, and I had to make a list based on the children and Mums that I knew. If the other Mums don't know you, they may not realise your dd is in the class. I know that I left a few out (not intentionally) and they were the children who hadn't gone to nursery.

Don't take it personally, you may just need to make some effort to get known.

You can ask the teacher if she seems to have a strong/good friendship circle, but teachers aren't always that in touch with how things really are. And they can't do anything about who is invited to which party. Agree at this age it mostly comes down to who the mothers know, which children get invited. So building up a social circle may help (don't think my efforts in this area made any difference, mind, maybe the mums were even more put off when they actually met me ).

We have lived here 4 years, my children seem to have strong social circles (according to their teachers, things they say, and even off-hand remarks by TAs and other parent helpers) and only 1 party invite each so far this year, for each child (and almost no playdate invites). Thankfully for them, they don't seem to notice all the parties I hear about, sorry to hear you've had a different experience.

As the others have said, i agree that really at this age its about who the parents are friends with, rather than the kids. I think as well that it is important to have some visability at the school, if you can. Is there anyway that you can alter your schedule a bit so that you could manage to do a drop off or pick up even once a week?
Or any other way of making friends with some of the other mums?
My DD has also just started school, and i've found it much harder to work with a child at school than I did when she was at nursery.