Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

Original poster

Daughter repeating nasty things heard at school

22 replies

Kirstye654 · 08/03/2023 21:24

My daughter is in reception and has been going through a very angry phase lately. Tonight she said something that I can only assume she has heard at school. She was struggling to fall asleep and after an hour in bed with her lamp on I switched it off and explained to her it may be making it more difficult to sleep (she often sleeps with it on but I'm trying to tackle this). She got really angry and started screaming. As my husband tried to cuddle her and calm her down she told him she was going to cut him in half 😕. It's really out of character for her, she's usually the sweetest little girl but I think there are a couple of children in her class that talk about killing and dying and its really upsetting to think she is picking this sort of thing up. Has anyone got any advice on how to handle it? I told my husband not to raise his voice with her about it as he was demanding to know where she heard it. We calmly explained to her that it was a hurtful thing to say and we hope nobody has said something like that to her. We told her we weren't angry but wanted to make sure she was happy at school and that she could talk to us if she wanted, however all she would say is that she didn't hear it anywhere 🤷‍♀️ Any advice much appreciated!

OP posts:

Pinkflipflop85 · 08/03/2023 21:39

Why have you automatically assumed it's from school and not just a random thing that has popped into her head.

Kids push boundaries. They say weird things. They can say awful things when in an angry or disregulated state.

It sounds like you've made a massive deal of it too. When ds says this sort of thing we just say things like "oh well that would be silly/a shame"

RunTowardsTheLight · 08/03/2023 21:43

If you make a really big deal about it she'll be more likely to say it again! Ignore ignore ignore.

bellswithwhistles · 08/03/2023 21:45

Agree. Ignore.

Zola1 · 08/03/2023 21:45

Agreed with above...I've always said 'oh I wouldn't like that, I hope you don't' or when they're a bit older 'yessss does that mean I don't have to go to work tomorrow?'.
Just don't buy into it and dont give her the big reaction that feeds it. She could have heard it at school, she could have heard it anywhere or just made it up. Unfortunately once they start school you lose some control over what they hear. Just remind her we speak nicely and don't say things to upset other people. Our 4 year old regularly tells me he's going to poo in my mouth or bite my toes off when I'm asleep etc. I'm not overly offended because he's 4. I don't think he's going to grow up to become a serial killer. Plus he has an 8 year old brother and 12 year old sister so God knows what gets said between them. 2 year olds favourite words are 'sibling name, MOVEEEE' and 'tell sibling name GO AWAY'.

AHelpfulHand · 08/03/2023 21:51

My ds who is 5 comes out with stuff like this.

he told me yesterday to “just go and die already”

I’ve no idea were he gets it from, he can say really hurtful things sometimes.

Original poster

Kirstye654 · 08/03/2023 22:09

I suppose it was just so out of character for her, I can understand the anger and screaming and sometimes she tells us she wants to move out etc, we brush that sort of thing off, but it didn't feel like the sort of thing she would just come out with. We didn't make a massive deal of it but she was clearly very upset when she said it and needed us to comfort her so we were just trying to explain that it's not a nice thing to say. I've assumed it's come from school because I've heard that some children have made comments about dying and killing to other children. Thanks for the advice about brushing it off etc, she's my eldest but it's not the sort of thing my 9 year old neice would have ever said, so I guess it just shocked me that this sort of thing would come from a 4 year old!

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 08/03/2023 22:14

Saying she wants to move out is an odd thing for a 4 year old to say. Way weirder than threatening you with violence during a tantrum.

Original poster

Kirstye654 · 08/03/2023 22:24

Justmuddlingalong · 08/03/2023 22:14

Saying she wants to move out is an odd thing for a 4 year old to say. Way weirder than threatening you with violence during a tantrum.

Only if you don't understand the full context I.e. mid tantrum she'll say she's going to live with one of her school friends instead. Also I asked for a bit of advice, your choice of words aren't particularly sensitive!

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 08/03/2023 22:29

I stated what I thought. And stand by it.

Original poster

Kirstye654 · 08/03/2023 22:52

Justmuddlingalong · 08/03/2023 22:29

I stated what I thought. And stand by it.

And I'm just stating that on a parenting forum where you don't know who you're replying to, consider using more sensitive words instead of telling somebody their child's behaviour is odd and weird. I didn't ask for an opinion on that behaviour as I'm not worried about it, I know she doesn't mean it as we've always talked about it after, but there's just a better way of saying things.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 08/03/2023 23:04

If you post on a public forum, people will comment. I have to say that this struck me as odd…told my husband not to raise his voice with her about it as he was demanding to know where she heard it.

Demanding!? Why not just have a chat! Why does she have to have ‘heard it’ anywhere?! My first thought here wouldn’t be that she’s heard it from school. I think you’ve both really overreacted here and blown it up into something it’s not.

Return2thebasic · 08/03/2023 23:05

Would it be more helpful to find out what been driving her so emotionally intensive if it's out of her character lately? ( It sounds she's going through some emotional challenges) instead of focusing on what she said at this one instance.

And I'm just reviewing the book "How to speak to kids so they listen". Forgot how insightful some of the basic advices are. If I were you, I'd show more understanding of her emotional struggles rather than focusing "the offences she committed". She's still too young.

ScrollingLeaves · 08/03/2023 23:09

I am sure it comes from the playground at school. It is a shame but just treat it lightly like others are saying.

Bunnyfuller · 08/03/2023 23:10

She’s knackered and acting out. Ignore, make a joke and move on. Wait until she’s a teenager and see what she says!

Justmuddlingalong · 08/03/2023 23:11

If you reread my post, I said I thought was she said was odd for a 4 year old, re the moving out. Not her behaviour.

Original poster

Kirstye654 · 08/03/2023 23:13

😳 wow i came here for some advice and honestly there wasn't any need to turn this on me. We have been doing exactly that, trying to understand why she is showing so much anger lately, one of the ways we have done that is asked her if there is anything at school she would like to talk about. I'm shocked at the fact the majority of people on here are looking for negatives to throw back at me rather than offering any positive advice. If you have nothing kind to say, don't comment. I'll switch the commenting off from here but honestly I think half of you need to have a long hard thing about whether you are here to support other mums or whether you are here to just make people feel bad. Remember you'll never get the full context from reading online so please don't jump to conclusions!

OP posts:

P1ckledonionz · 08/03/2023 23:58

Im not trying to be unkind but I'm curious about how you handled switching off the lamp... If she is scared of the dark or was overtired and is used to having the light on to fall asleep, anger is a natural reaction to having someone turn the light off without considering her feelings of safety. If she is often having things done to her without her feelings being considered this may explain why she is more angry lately? This might be the main issue. She is using violent images to express how she feels because at her age she can't say "I feel scared, and angry that you're not noticing I'm scared and need the light on!!"

Return2thebasic · 09/03/2023 00:00

Seriously? Suggesting you figure out what she's going through is "unkind" and "unhelpful"?

I read most of the people are trying to help, giving a different perspective. You reactively view every single comment as criticism (to you and your DC) and labelled us all as "unsupportive". 👀 try to calm down and come back to read again tomorrow see if you still think people here are just attacking you.

Original poster

Kirstye654 · 09/03/2023 08:12

Return2thebasic · 09/03/2023 00:00

Seriously? Suggesting you figure out what she's going through is "unkind" and "unhelpful"?

No I said half the people but apparently everyone just picks out the bits they want to focus on! I appreciate advice not to worry, that it's normal, and the advice to tune into her emotions etc, that's exactly what we are trying to do hence I reminded my husband not to get too upset by it. But I think some people just need to remember what people write on here is a snippet of information, so there is no need to focus on one small bit and try to draw conclusions, the only questions that needed answering was whether there is anything we can or should do in response, at the end of the day we just want to protect our daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kirstye654 · 09/03/2023 08:15

P1ckledonionz · 08/03/2023 23:58

Thank you, yes no doubt her screaming was because we turned the lamp off. she has a night light and her door was wide open with the landing light on but I'm sure having the full lamp on is making it difficult for her to sleep. It just took us by surprise to hear her say something like that, but as others have suggested perhaps not all that worrying!

OP posts:

quietnightmare · 09/03/2023 08:24

It's normal she probably made it up. Kids say random stuff it's their brain making connections

P1ckledonionz · 09/03/2023 09:01

It can be shocking hearing something like that! I think the concern is less about where she may have heard it or got it from, but to try to understand the feeling underneath it. One approach is to give her language to understand and talk about her feelings for that, eg she says 'i want to chop you in half!' You can respond, "are you trying to say you are very VERY angry with me?" ' that way you are giving here language and words that will be more effective for her to communicate with in future.

Flip