another thread on young boys in reception....please tell me I am not the only one!

[typicalornot]

or otherwise I will go totally mental!

ds, 4.5 in reception, came back with a note from teacher saying what he needs to do to improve.
She is really pushing to have him write and dress on his own, plus she suggests he has poor concentration and social skills.

We believe he's already been making progress this last week, but really struggling as he's so young.

Said teacher hasn't been in school for the last week and she feels the need to send a note to remind what he's weak at(everything apparently) which we have never requested her.

Funnily enough he has been very happy this week, and he even got sticker for how good he was at different tasks.

I feel like I need to do something as teacher has been very negative with him since November and I believe his socializing in school is suffering as a result as he's confidence is being dented big time.

When we meet with his friends at the week end he's soooo different!

What do you think I should do? Write a note back or make an appointment?

is my ds the only one in this situation????

I aslo think a lot of Reception teachers are more tuned in to teaching girls.

hi

wrong school i think

cod, did you get your disability thingy done?

oh god no na di need to
have read hte blurb and wirtten a draft of hte inviation

nee to get head ot sanciton it to be sent out

OP, DS's reception teacher observed he only listened or tried to concentrate when she was by him, and played alone at breaktimes after one term and monitored him for the next term very carefully. After two terms she realised he paid little attention to his peers as well choosing to play alone, although he played happily other children outside of school. She suggested a referral re his behaviour and I took DS to GP immediately for a referral to behaviour centre, the first routine call for all children referred being a full hearing test. New got to behaviour specialist, we discovered DS had less than 40% hearing and survived by semi lip reading and watching expressions to understand conversation and coming to the table etc at home by copying his sister.

3 weeks and a set of grommits later, he was a much happier child. I might hasten to add in 4.5 years neither I, his nanny or friends had ever noticed his issue, it was only picked up by an observant teacher. It was hard to accept the teachers initial concern but I am so glad I listened.

Did you get a hearig test for your DS, what were the results

what a shame

"Some relationships maybe just are not meant to be and it could be this with your ds and teacher..."
sounds a bit said but I think Paula Yates maybe summed it up

my perennial advice on these -- is there an older TA you can talk to rather than his teacher, somebody else at the school who wipes their noses and listens to them read etc. Not knocking teachers and I know k20 is right when she says alert teachers are brilliant for picking stuff up. But, you know, somebody who knows your ds nearly as well as the teacher and hasn't got as much "interest" as the teacher in reachign various class milestones.

It sounds muddled, i'm so tired, but yes, talk to the teacher. Sounds like she was insensitive but maybe she didn't mean to be and was too busy etc. good luck x

stuffitall - I was already planning to talk to somebody else at school as I don't want this to become something personal between myself and the teacher. She seems like she doesn't really know him and is only following a procedure - and that worries me even more because I believe ds really need to be known to be appreciated in full.

But then I am his mum

K20 - I get your point, but ds hearing test was fine. He can hear me giving him instructions from upstairs (put your shoes on and then your jacket. Don't forget the water...etc etc)and he's at the door in 3 seconds when he hears the ice cream van!

The reason why I am so miffed is that I cannot stand the pressure I and my ds are being put through, suggesting that something is wrong when it might well be that he's just not ready.
I really fear this can take his confidence away and create problems later.

Why don't they give the little fella a chance to settle and grow up a bit feeling secure and OK?
Of course I hide my anxiety from ds and try to make it as light as possible - but he's very sensitive and sometimes can understand when I am upset- or like he says: mummy, are you sad? was somebody not nice to you?

He sounds a sweetheart
Are you sure its the right school for him?

typicalornot. My DS is having some of the same problems as yours. One big difference though is the conversation you said he had with your GP. My DS would never have had such an indepth conversation and there are various other concerns about his development involving repetative play and poor eye contact. We are to have a meeting next week with a view to getting a SENCO assessment. What I am trying to say is to please IGNORE the really harsh and unkind post from Mud about taking your DS to your GP. I dont think anyone really knows how terrifying it can be when you send your DS happily off to school and then get called in to discuss various problems etc that you never imagined they were having and the implications that involves. You were quite right to take your DS to your GP, we did the same when the concerns were first raised and ours too found nothing wrong but the same concerns for DS have been flagged again thus the SENCO assessment. It is a frightening time though and I cant believe someone would post to you so unsympathetically.

My DS seems to come on leaps and bounds every single day as far as I can see but it seems it is just not quick enough for the schools liking, which makes me so mad. IMO school is a One Size Fits all environment and some kids are just not suited to it. Not saying that is your son though, he sounds perfectly fine to me.

Hi AlMummy
how old is your son? is he still in reception?

I am happy to find somebody who can understand the pain and worry that grips your stomach when somebody who's seen your beloved son for just few hours a day (together with God knows how many other children!) makes comments about him being different and needing help.

Of course you hope the teacher is going to say he's great, and I would have settled for an he's OK but maybe a bit stubborn and lazy - which he could be.

But to hear that there are serious concerns about their development and social interaction is the worst thing ever.

You do think that you are so used to his ways that maybe what he does seems fine to you but he's not on a par with children same age. That maybe THERE IS something wrong with him.

You scour the internet at night to find what are the symptons for any tipe of condition linked to inappropriate behaviour.

You spend hours on mumsnet reading posts and sometimes you recognize your son in some behaviour and sometimes you don't.

You rule out this, this and that and then another article comes up which says the opposite of what you have just read and you start worrying again.

You take your son to the GP because you do want to make sure that he gets all the help and support he needs and you don't want to leave it as an unpaid bill you will pay sooner or later - because this bill is the most important thing for you in the world and you can't contemplate being too late on getting this sorted out.
The guilt would just crush you to death if it does turn out that there is indeed something wrong.

However, I am quite lucky that the teacher so far seems to be the only one to think that ds needs serious help and she doesn't seem to know him well anyway.

Her advice also seems quite funny to me- I mean she's written on the note that to improve ds concentration skills we should read him stories that are of no interest to him! This is because according to her ds will only show attention if you talk about his favourite subjects otherwise he switches off.... which is also my trait by the way

Maybe I should take myself to the GP

AlMummy, I have come to the conclusion that we are all different people and develop at different times and at this age if far more evident than others! The teachers in school expect to have all little clones who behave perfectly and the same.

I believe teachers waste too much time observing while they should find strategies to interest and enthusiasm the children who fall out of their very strict codes of behaviour.

I have read your post re your ds on the SN section and I believe that only time will tell - so, for the time being, why should I or you stop being natural and enjoy the quirkyiness and funny ways of our DSs and force them to behave like little adults which they are definetely not???

typicalornot - you sound like an incredibly caring mum who is doing everything she can to help her child so please try not to feel guilty and worry too much. With you behind him I'm sure he'll do fine. I agree that school is "one size fits all" and ESPECIALLY at age 4 (or in fact any age..) children are far from being the same size. Yours is probably just developing in his own time. As others have said, in some countries he wouldn't even be at school yet.

typicalornot - I too was called in to see my 4.5 year old son's teacher to discuss him possibly staying and repeating reception. We are actually in the Netherlands and he attends an International school which follows the PYP International Baccalaurete program. It gives me shivers to think what a british curriculum school would make of him...the international school haven't even started reading/writing yet!

My son will probably repeat due to delayed motor and language skills and 'immaturity' - in other words he just simply is not ready for formal education yet and needs another year in reception where in the IB system they learn really through playing and emphasis is not on academic learning but on social and emtional development. Once they are mature and self-confident enough (usually nearer 6 and even 7) the formal learning begins but SLOWLY and at a pace which I believe it far more age-appropriate.

My son's teacher was very lovely about it all AND still I feel anxious and worried (especially as he is a big boy and I wonder how he will look next to all the younger kids moving up!)

Your son sounds gorgeous and totally typical of a 4.5 year old (I am a qualified Montessori teacher and also work at the school). The advice you were given about reading him books that don't interest him is bizarre and frankly a little worrying. Please try not to worry (even though I know that is impossible) - and I really agree with your comment about forcing children to become little adults. It is not normal, in my opinion, for a child of 4 or 5 years to sit with his/her legs crossed, finger on lips and listen for extended periods of time to a teacher droning on about something that most likely is of no interest!!

You sound like a loving, caring mum and your son is lucky to have you.

The teacher sounds inexperienced to me, and your son seems fairly normal for a 4yo boy, as far as anyone can judge by an online description. Hopefully, you'll be able to come to some agreement about how to deal with each other. If nothing else, one consoling thought is that he will presumably be with a different teacher next year. If he really can't get on with his present one and discussions get you nowhere and his confidence (not just yours!)really does seem dented, then it might be worth having a quiet word with the head and asking if he could change classes. It's a smaller thing than changing schools, and as somebody else said- some relationships just weren't meant to be.

The teacher sounds fairly clueless. Can you move him to a more sympathetic school?

You son is so young. He sounds so completely normal. Teacher sounds unsympathetic and insensitive. Why don't you have a word with the heaed teacher?

Typicalornot, Yes my son is still in Reception, he has just turned 5. These problems were sort of alluded to in nursery in a veiled way. We thought that they seemed to be picking on him, as though they wanted to find something. It got to the point that every day when we picked him there had been a problem and we began to feel that they had made up there mind about him being ASD and were therefore seeing everything in that light, even perfectly normal, if a bit naughty behaviour. We never saw anything TBH. He always seemed super intelligent and observant. No problems with eye contact etc - not with family anyway. My MIL brought up 5 kids and when I told her what they were saying she was flabbergasted.

The only things we have seen is that he does seem to have problems relating to other kids. He wont focus on anything that he is not interested in but he does have a fairly wide range of interests so that is not really too noticeable. I too have done the searching the internet or hours for details. One day you look at him and think No Way and then the next he does something and your are convinced that yes there is something. I do think that school is just too inflexible for kids like this. We dont all fit the mould but it really seems that for school kids the pressure to fit in and BE a certain way is horrendous. I was incredibly shy at school and found it difficult to make friends. My biggest fears have been time running out, what I mean is that the younger they are the more they can be helped if they are having problems. Also that if he is playing up maybe he is being told off for things that he cant help or being forced into an environment that is unsuitable and scary for him that he just cant understand.

I still cant be sure about anything with regards to DS except for the fact that if someone asked me if I wanted him with his funny little ways and quirks and the problems that brings or without and no problems at all I would choose with every time. He is perfect to me, I would not change him for the world.

I thank my lucky stars for the school my Ds goes to. His teacher (who must be near retirement), doesn't expect them to sit and listen. They have an outdoor class room where they learn through physical activities etc. Most of the teaching is done through games.
The aim of the 1st term was for kids to dress and undress (this was done gradually) and for kids to separate easily from carer at beginning of the day. This term they are starting to look at them doing tasks independently.

My DS was 4 in July and as boistrous as they come. I'm sure in another school he I would be getting letters home too.

Good luck.