I'm not enjoying being a school mum...

[lomey]

Hi everyone,

i guess i'm just looking for some words of reassurance really. i am just hating being a school mum. i'm finding it quite emotional actually, and like its getting harder not easier. my son is a spring baby and has been put on first concerns for his phonics and self care (putting his coat on etc). i am not concerned about where he's at, he has learnt and can recall most sounds and is starting to blend simple words. and he can put his coat on, and dress himself but at times needs help to get it done quickly. but its quite upsetting that the school are using such a formal procedure for managing something which i feel is normal development for his age.

The other day the teacher also had a word with me at the gate about some pushing and shoving in the lunch queue, where my son and another boy were pushing a third child and they didn't stop when this child asked them to. This just seems not that unusual behaviour? and the reaction of the teacher seemed a bit over the top.

I am trying not to worry, or let this affect me too much, but i am hugely affected by all these minor things and end up thinking the worst, that my child is a bully, that he won't make friends as the parents will have heard about bad behaviour and that i also won't make any school mum friends. and also that he is already behind and will struggle for the rest of his school life.

Has anyone else found the transition to school tough, for their child and themselves and found things get easier and their outlook naturally changed and they found things easier?

I think it's exactly that, a transition, and you do get used to it. I assume your ds is your first child to go to primary school? I remember having similar worries when I was told he'd hit another child while in a queue. I was also beside myself when he told me he never went to the toilet at school (no idea why but I remember being very worried!). I was almost in tears a few times over little things like that. I think it is just emotional. You're navigating your own way through a new phase at the same time as helping your child navigate their way. It's all new. You're not sure what's important and what's not and you're on high alert the whole time.

It really and truly does pass. The most likely thing that's going to happen is in 10 years you'll struggle to remember the details of why it was stressing you out so much, just like I have!

Was your child with you at home mostly before starting school ? Perhaps you need to adjust to the outside influences of school other children etc.

Ref. The line pushing - I'd not assume your child is innocent in this, kids messing is usual but pushing a third child is bullying however you dress it up. I know he's probably only 4 or 5 but it still needs addressing

I suspect it was more than a quick shove if the busy teacher had a word about it. Maybe the bullied kids mum complained ?

I do hate to say it though all this stuff is normal - ie the stress and strain of life with children. It's an epic rollercoaster and times and you are still ok the tiny section. You will adjust but hold on for the ride.

With his development, he is probably being a mixture of a bit shy with the teacher and distracted by everything going on and not showing what he knows and os capable of. I wouldn't worry, just keep doing it at home. They are just making you aware he isn't quite where he should be yet, not saying he will always be behind.
With the pushing thing, its minor but if minor behaviour isn't sorted then it develops into more serious things. The teacher is asking for your support to make sure the conversations about kind behaviour are coming from all directions. Kids are learning how to be nice and don't always get it right first time. It doesn't make him a bully but if it was your child who was pushed you would want to know it was

Don’t waste your energy on getting emotional, get practical instead.

Work on his dressing skills, do more reading at home, tell him he must always listen to the teacher and to always use kind hands or whatever phrase they use at your school.

feedback is a gift, act on it and it’ll make your child’s life and your life easier. Better to nip it in the bud now.

You’re probably overthinking slightly as he’s your first. My first was textbook really so no concerns but my second was a little trickier. You get used to it though (minor things) and then they start secondary and you stressing all over again. Bar any SEN it’s still early days and you’re going through a transition.

... wasn't going to happen again.
As for making mum friends. We all know our children aren't perfect. Anyone who judges you on your childs behaviour isn't really worth being friends with anyway. The best thing about mum friends is having someone who understands when you have a moan about minor things and will be supportive if its not quite going right.

Great post.

My son got pulled up on his knife and fork skills, made me realise I'd been babying him and have now started to address it - for his sake mainly

Honestly you get used to it and inwardly roll your eyes at some of it.

He sounds a perfectly normal child to me. Listen to feedback, act where necessary, agree with PP it's a gift. But please don't stress over any of it.

Are you usually anxious?

School have said he is slow at putting his coat on, your reaction should be, ok I'll stop helping him and he can learn to get better at doing it himself. However you think no, it's not a problem.

School have reported he was pushing a child around. You should just have a word with your DS, tell him it was unkind, that he needs to wait in line nicely and not be silly. You however also think this is all normal.

But then you go on to say you are worried he is behind or a bully and he and you will have no friends. Why do you think you are brushing it off as totally normal and cross that the school are formally raising it, and yet then catastrophising in the next paragraph?

Hmm, he shouldn't be pushing other kids. Not the end of the world obv but right to challenge it.
My 2YO DS went through a really annoying pushing stage. We read endless books on emotions, being kind etc and it really helped.

With the coat and phonics, just keep practising every day. Never put his coat on for him, always build in time for him to do it. On the way to school, or in the bath with foam letters, practise the phonic sounds

I totally agree with fruitbrewhaha.
Either you just roll your eyes and forget about it if you think it's normal,
or if you are worried, take some step to help him, like practice putting coat on quicker, or tell him to be kind to others.

Absolutely this. And I think you're making this about your identity in ways it doesn't need to be -- you're not a 'school mum', and the school feedback isn't anything to do with you, just your child's skills and behaviour, which are, and will remain, an ongoing project! Just work on his dressing himself and on not being rough around others etc, address your anxiety, and focus on your own stuff. He'll figure it out.

My own dd was pushed around a bit by a couple of other kids in reception, also taking her coat off the hook and it was just a couple of times but I had a word with her teacher because after a couple of times it was starting to make dd upset and scared at line up time as due to alphabetical order she was always stood with the same kids. I know the teacher must have had a word with the parents because one of the dads approached me on the playground to apologise and said he'd spoken to their child and explained it's not nice to push and shove and if it keeps happening to go and speak to him or his partner and they'll deal with it. Dd actually ended up really good friends with that child, and still is at almost 18. The parent of the other kids was very vocal about it's "boys being boys" right from the low level pushing in reception to way more serious behaviour as he got older.

Pushing and shoving is normal yes but it's at this age where they need to learn that it's not nice to be pushing someone who has told him to stop. The teacher wasn't ott and it might need nothing more than you and/or his Dad having a chat about keeping his hands to himself, especially when he's been asked to stop doing something. It might feel minor to you but if it was your son being pushed by two kids would you want it nipping it the bud too? Doesn't mean he's a bully at all, it's a learning opportunity on how behave when you've been asked to stop pushing someone.

Thanks everyone, i really appreciate the advice and perspective from you all. i think sometimes it definitely helps to reframe something and approach it differently. I hope it doesn't sound like i was minimising the pushing incident, i was quite shocked because it isn't like my son, he is very physical but we have always been very strict about consent and stopping when someone says they don't like something.

My son only knows one other child from before school (the other child who was shoving), who he went to nursery with but wasn't particularly good friends with. and i now feel that my son is sticking with this child and he might not be the best influence. i've had conversations with my son about playing with other children if his friend isn't being nice and not copying him etc. but would this be something to talk to the teacher about? i've wondered if it would be appropriate to try to seperate them to an extent to encourage my son to make other friends?

I think its more that i am unsure how to react, i have been concerned and have obviously reacted to the feedback we've been given. i have had a couple of conversations with my son about the pushing situation to make it clear to him that it's not acceptable. I'm not an anxious person but i do think that with any change/transition, and especially with this being my first child to start school i am unsure of how to handle some things especially as some of the advice i've received in real life has been to brush it off. i guess i'm learning how to navigate all of this. my son was at nursery and pre-school and we never had any issues with this kind of thing.

Do yourself a favour and stop talking about other children “influencing” your child. Your child is just as capable of being a dickhead as anyone else’s, all on his own. Don’t be one of those parents.

ok sure...

i mean there were three children involved, and whichever child is being the lead dickhead it probably makes sense that if this happens again separating them physically might help along with talking about appropriate behaviour.

I think it would be a massive, massive overreaction to ask the teacher to separate your son from his friend. You have no evidence at all that it was him that started it! They are 4 years old and just need to know it is 100% not okay!
Also, you say your son is very physical, what does this mean? It's not okay to push someone and expect them to tell you if they don't like it. Pushing is always a no.

Yes! My Little girl was spring born too (afew days off summer born) struggled ALOT in reception, socially, emotionally and with her application to learning.She loved school and her teacher was amazing, but I just think it was all too much too soon for her really.

She was referred for a paediatric assessment for possible ADHD (still waiting) and also to have specialist support from an outside agency, which has been very helpful and the ideas they put in place to help her have still continued throughout year 1.But I think the ideas such as movement breaks and small focus groups suit her needs and learning style condition or no condition, so I see her having extra help as a positive thing.

But since moving up in September things have seemed much easier for her, and she is coping so much better with the work and has progressed alot socially too, so it's quite possible that her brain just needed to mature somewhat!

It can be scary when they start labelling and compartmentalising and talk about possible conditions/needing extra support etc (it isn't very helpful that they call it 'first level concern' :-/) but often the staff are still figuring the children out themselves i think (My friend got told in reception her DD may be dyslexic...a year later she is excelling at reading and writing)

Give him time, don't read too much into it, and try not to predict the future too much....they start school so young nowadays and I'm sure he will likely catch up just fine :)