I am a parent helper and saw something last week that has really worried and upset me. Advice please.

[ptangyangkipperbang]

I spend one morning each week volunteering in Year 3 at DS1's school. There is a boy in the class who appears to have selective mutism. He has been to our house for tea (DS2 used to go to school with him) and could spend the whole time without saying a word even to DS2. Despite this he would have a good time and DS2 enjoyed his company.
I have noticed in class that he rarely speaks. If he says whether he is having sandwiches or school dinners he is congratulated, which suggests him answering is quite rare.
Anyway, last week the teacher asked him a direct question. She was very nice and encouraging saying, "i'm sure you know the answer to this", "why don't you have a try?", etc. He didn't answer and put his head down. She said something like, "Don't worry" and moved onto the next child.
I looked over at him and was horrified to see that he was sobbing and looked totally heartbroken. I tried to attract the teacher's attention without letting the rest of the class see what was happening. Eventually the teaching assistant led him out of the class, him sobbing and looking distressed. He came back about 10 minutes later clutching some tissues and looking SO sad .
I said to the teacher at break how sad it was to see him like that and she replied, "Poor X, he does struggle doesn't he?"
If I thought this had happened to my child I would want to know (the teacher hasn't spoken to the parent). I can't say anything to his mum because I'd be breaking confidentiality. I feel my hands are tied but heartbroken that he was just so miserable.
Thanks for reading this and any advice would be appreciated.

She might have spoken to the parent.

are you sure the teacher hasnt spoken to the parents? even if she had she wouldnt tell you, would she

Or be intending to at parents evening.

To be honest, from your description, I think it sounds as if it was handled brilliantly.

Definitely hasn't spoken to her. I know I'm going to sound like I'm spying on her but if the class teacher wants to talk to a parent they come out and find them in the playground and go back in the classroom with them. This hasn't happened.

But she might have phoned or written someting in the book bag. This might be part of an ongoing discussion. The mother might know that her child gets distressed and have already discussed ways the teacher and TA can help.

I know it must have been upsetting for you to witness but I think you have to accept how this was handled at face value. As others have said you don't know if a phone call or a meeting have taken place since then. The teacher might have thought it better to ring the mum rather than do the rather conspicuous thing of finding her in the playground and calling her in

x-posted NKF

I don't think there's any way that the sort of selective mutism you've described would not have been discussed with the parents by this stage in the school year. Possibly part of the coping strategy is exactly what you saw - the odd question to the child, and lots of praise when he speaks. I really don't think there's anything you, as a parent helper, can do.

the parents might have spoken to the teacher at another point in time via appt - its not really your place to know these things tbh

Don't really understand the problem - you're upset because he cried?

tbh, it sounds like the school handle this boy and his mutism very sympathertically.

Which part of this worried and upset you? Am confused.

It's likely that the parents will already know what is happening. Ds2 (5yrs) has an IEP as he is autistic. One of his targets is for the staff to encourage him to join in with group discussions like the child in the OP. He has days where he finds little things upsetting but most days he is fine.

I would be happy with the staff in ds2's class doing what the staff in the OP did.

Thank you for your replies. The teacher comes out into the playground if she wants to talk to a parent and takes them back inside - I know this hasn't happened. I think the thing that really hit me was how unhappy he looked - not just then but all the time. He looks like he is on the verge of crying each time you see him.
His mum (on the surface) is quite dismissive of the situation saying things like, "He never shuts up at home so I'm not worried", "I sent him to the big school rather than the small village school to bring him out of his shell", "He'll grow out of it", etc, etc.
It just made me wonder how he can get the full benefit of going to school if he can't contribute to discussions, join in, etc. It also appears that he hasn't improved since he was 5.
I'm not knocking the class teacher at all. She has a lot to deal with because he is in a very difficult class with a lot of behavioural difficulties and disruption. It made be wonder if because of this he is somehow slipping through the net.

at sympathertically

sympathetically

I don't think I was upset just because he cried. It was more upsetting that he seemed to find school such a struggle. I know that as a Parent Helper it is my role just to get on with what I'm told to do. However, I think it would be very difficult not to be upset by what he is dealing with.

I think it's understandable to be upset. And I think you probably have to find somewhere to "place" that upset. Hope that makes sense.

My dd has selective mutism and it's something that has to be handled carefully. If they put to much emphasis on the child it will make things worse so it sounds like the teacher handled it very well.

My dd had an IEP and we had to work with the teachers to help my dd. This child may be getting extra help at school which you don't see. It's also possible that the mother doesn't want to advertise this problem incase it makes her son worse.

Most children grow out of selective mutism so try not to worry about him too much - although it's lovely that you are concerned about him.

i think it sounds like it was handled well.

mother seems normal to me.

he will be benefitting from school even without partaking in discussions.

i never spoke at school, even in secondry all reports said 'would like sarah to take part in discussions.'

It sounds like this has all been discussed and school staff have strategies in place.

im sorry but because the teacher hasnt fetched the parent in from the playground after school to discuss this with her,doesnt mean they ahvent spoken. the parents could have had an appt at a different time of day. and i am sure you dont watch every parent like a hawk to see if the teacher calls them in from the playground, do you???

and maybe the parent doesnt want to talk about her son, or appears offhand because she doesnt want to talk to you about it. she may be worried she gets upset and cries.

unless she is close to you im sure she doesnt want to discuss her son in the middle of the playground

Lots of children with special needs(especially those with a communication issue) have a Home/School diary.

The teacher seems to know exactley what shes doing, im quite sure that she will have things in hand.

when teacher wants to speak to me about dd's issues she would not stop me in yard, she would write to me or telephone me. Recently I talked to a mother who had no idea of my dd problems. I am sure there are other kids in dd's class who have problems, i will never find out about.