Can social services be called for lateness?

[pinheadlarry]

Ive been having lateness and absence problems, since dd(5) started school .
She has autism and possibly adhd too, she's had sleep problems pretty much since birth , waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep until the early hours,

I've tried putting her to bed both later and earlier, giving a snack before bed , not giving a snack
Making sure she's been to the toilet, making sure the room is the right temperature blah blah blah it doesn't change anything

I have to stay awake with her, try and get her back to sleep ,
her behaviour has been badly effected by the lack of sleep and I've been constantly stressed and exhausted
Its also a struggle to get her to eat breakfast in a timely manner, sometimes it takes her 40 minutes, she hates cereal because of the mushy texture , so I've stopped giving it as it just wastes time and she doesn't ever eat it
Sometimes she will eat beans on toast , a yoghurt or
I let her bring a toasted sandwich and fruit to eat on the way to school

Sometimes she has meltdown behaviours crying, lying on the bed and screaming if I try to get her up,
screaming if I touch her hair, wanting to stop and hug me and kiss me every 5 minutes (which I love but not when we are on a time limit!)
Sometimes she is more co operative, it is a surprise how she's going to behave on any day

Usually I drop her to school 10-15minutes late, the walk of shame,
I've spent alot of money on cabs to save us time, but I would prefer us to walk for the fresh air and exercise, we used to be able to use the scooter

She has other health issues which may or may not be related to the autism, which are all managed with medications and plans.
Chronic constipation
Allergies to milk eggs and nuts
Eczema
Asthma
Viral wheeze
And all the symptoms that go with it,
these have also made it difficult in the mornings
Sometimes she may be abit wheezy, even the walk to school and cold air would make her cough , sometimes the coughing led to vomiting
The constipation would cause soiling issues Or belly aches in the morning,despite being on movicol.. doesn't seem to be working right

She has been absent alot , her attendance is usually around 80 something%, because she was catching every bug and virus out there
And often her colds would turn into viral wheeze requiring hospital stays
I have record for alot of the absences like doctor appointments , all her hospital admissions are recorded on the NHS system
But with D+V bugs its less likely to have a record of it because the advice is to stay home and give dioralyte, I've even gone as far to take picture of the vomit, just to protect myself

I've already talked to the doctor about why she is sick so often,
I give her vitamins to make up for her allergy diet,
I hide vegetables in her food and always put some on the plate ( she has food issues due to the autism but she does try to eat some veg lately even if its one bite)
I've cut down on sugar, and try to make the diet nutritious but she doesn't always eat what I cook

The doctor said that since I'm giving her the multivitamin , there's nothing else they can do
I've considered that maybe because she's autistic her hygiene might not be perfect, she puts her hands in her mouth and on her face and sometimes pick things off the floor , lick the bus window, which can make her sick, i can't always stop her in time
And I dont think she really knows she's doing it, she's impulsive to touch things

So the school doesn't give an f about my "excuses" for absence,
even though they know her medical conditions are genuine
I've told them about the sleep issues and everything but it doesn't make a difference
They send me letters of warnings about attendance, say they are "watching me" closely and I really do try my best but its not good enough and things have all come to a head recently

For the past few years I have had health issues, chronic fatigue, falling asleep in the middle of the day, blurry vision, headaches, mood swings that leave me feeling exhausted, miserable and then ok again a week later,

I thought it may be because I am overweight and the lack of sleep staying up with dd, may have turned to insomnia
I was also prediabetic,
But recently the past few months, I was really struggling to wake up on time for the school run (later than the usual )
It was such a heavy tiredness, and I was going toilet at least 10 times a night and drinking litres of water
I was taking dd in an hour late and then passing out at home and then waking up to get her
One day I felt very unwell and took myself to A+e and they said its diabetes and my blood sugar was off the scale high, they put me on a drip and gave me metformin
The tablets are slowly working , I think but I'm still dog tired
Twice I was an hour late to collect dd from school, once because I thought her dad was collecting her (I've also been very confused recently and leaving things open like the fridge and microwave door)
And yesterday I was in a heavy sleep, hadn't eaten all day so maybe my sugars were low?

And I woke up to missed calls and urgent messages
I've only done it once in the past when she was in nursery and I didn't know I was diabetic at the time
But I rarely pick dd up late, I'm always on time or early

Dd was even late today because of me , I don't understand why I can't just wake up on time and I'm so exhausted
Her dad (my ex) drove down and woke me up and took dd to school and then started ringing my door and hurling abuse at me
He's been consistently in my ear calling me weak , lazy, shit mother , bitch etc
Which is why I dont bother to communicate with him
He offers to "help" but then abuses me for it and makes me feel shit about myself
He might be right on what he's saying, that i need to better for dd but he doesn't consider all the reasons that I am like this, like my blood sugars
Despite me not eating crap , and only drinking water my blood sugars are still not good

But anyway he stood outside my house screaming abuse and texting me saying that school is involving social services for dd being late and I just told him to f off
But I am actually worried, school hasn't said anything to me but maybe they will when I collect dd today

Of course I dont want them involved but maybe I do need them?
I dont really know what they can do to help me with my medical issues,
I'm already seeing a doctor and I'm going to phone them today to talk about getting some blood tests done

I'm doing all that I can to make sure dd is in school more,
I'm even sending her in if she's sick , so they can see

I don't want to do this to her, I already feel such guilt for everything, guilty for her being sick and autistic, guilty for the diabetes, it runs in my family so I should have known, I've cut out so many foods and drink and I have one meal day
I dont smoke , drink or do drugs , food was something I used to relax with and now I can't do it anymore
I feel like I can't have anything nice, I can't even get dd to school on time, I am so pathetic
I have sucidal thoughts but would never do it, i just feel like I don't want to be here anymore because of all the pressure, and the judgment I receive from everyone
I feel like everyone thinks I'm a liar, or that I am crazy

Dds dad was very abusive to me In the relationship and continues to do it in other ways
He is very narcissistic, he blames me for "giving dd autism"
He has all of these amazing ideas on how I can be a better parent but I really feel like he wouldn't be able to handle what I go through on a daily basis
Its easy to point out someone's flaws when you are on the outside looking in

When we were together he was a shit parent himself, never changed her nappy or bathed her, never took her out by himself, he was just gone all day(cheating on me)
And when he was home he would play videos on his phone with her, something he would be critical of me for
And even now its always me that suggests he takes her to places on the weekend
He picks her up from school 3 days a week now and then drops her home
He's never had her overnight and never wI'll

I dont want him in my house because he inspects it for being messy and makes rude bitchy comments to me
He says that its my fault that he can't spend time with dd because i won't allow him to come into my house anymore?

Having to co parent with him is actual torture, having to share my vulnerability with him and my medical issues makes me so depressed, but he's literally all I have
If something happens to me like going to hospital, I have to call him to get dd

I dont have family to rely on I was adopted and I am estranged from the family
And my birth family is not reliable and dont live near me
I've been living on my own since I was 16
My mother was a drunk and that's why my siblings and i was taken into care , so I can't even talk to her for help
Even though I dont drink , i fear that I'm turning into her and I might lose my dd, the only person I love in this life

This is a pity party, i am depressed that no one cares about me,
Nobody phones me, I'm just dds mother, I feel like I'm being punished for things I can't control, I just feel like giving up
But a part of me still keeps trying for dd because she doesn't deserve this
I feel like a broken down car that keeps driving until all the wheels fall off one by one
I dont have a job, I don't have any aspirations except to be a decent mother and I can't even do that,
I wish she had a better mother and I wish I didn't even exist if there was an off button I would probably press it right now

Does anyone have any advice with lateness and social services?
What kind of help do they offer?
Or am I just going to be judged and inspected for being a shit mother?

I’m not sure about the social services issue and hopefully someone more clued up will respond but I just want to say you are absolutely NOT a shit mother. Motherhood is hard enough as it is and to have to deal with an autistic child who has other issues and to do that as a single mother is no mean feat. To top it all off you have a shit ex to add to the equation.

My granddaughter sometimes takes over 40 mins to finish a meal and I always marvel at my daughter-in-law’s patience with her, sitting there putting tiny morsels into her mouth. It would bore me to death. I can do it once but not every day, twice a day.

You go above and beyond that so don’t berate yourself. I hope things get better for you soon x

Do you have an organisation like "Homestart" in your area, it's for parents who need a bit of support with the kind of issues you are having, everyday struggles. What they actually help with varies depending on needs, could be tidying, doing activities with children taking kids out so that you have a wee break. Just a thought.

You've got a full plate!

You are not a bad mother!

I would make sure you get help with you diabetes. Go to the GP, if he/she can't help get a referral to a specialist. Ring in between to see if a spot opens up on a waiting list.
Get specialised meal advice, maybe one meal a day does not work in your case!
Medication, maybe even an automatic pump system.
If you body feels better you can handle more. Make sure professionals know how it impacts your life and that of DD.

Now the weather is colder in the mornings, this impacts asthma. Does your DD have check ups?

Is there anyway to get help? Maybe a volunteer? Easy for the school to make a fuss, giving helpful suggestions would be better.

Wish you all the best!

But anyway he stood outside my house screaming abuse and texting me saying that school is involving social services for dd being late and I just told him to f off

YOU NEED TO PHONE freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. SHELTER

You are being abused and your partner is the abuser who should be reported to social services, he's talking out of his arse to belittle and control you , that's what scum like him do.

Shelter will be able to not only advise on your partner brutal behaviour, but they can also offer advice and point you in the right direction for all the issues you raise of struggling with a SEN child, which is completely normal.

You are not a shit mum, you have a shit partner and a challenging child and you are strong to get this far on your own. I couldn't even imagine having the issues you face, but there are lots of women in the same boat and places that can help.

Its time for you to get help and not face this alone.

Your school should be able to advise if you think your child has SEN issues, if they refuse to help, raise it with your local authority and your GP, your GP should be able to refer you for your child to be assessed? I'm hoping other posters can help.

But most of all, you need help dealing with that prick and quick, he sounds toxic and abusive.

I’ve not read all of the original post but I want to say you need better support to manage your diabetes. One meal a day will not help improve your blood sugars at all.
Look on Diabetes UK - Facebook or website for lots of information
If you need to lose weight look at the Fast 800, a diet specific for diabetes and weight loss.
With regard to lateness and poor attendance, well they can be indicators of neglect and so school will be concerned. If you improve your diabetes management then your energy levels will improve and you should be able to sleep better and get up earlier.
Stress can push blood glucose up so your dickhead ex isn’t helping and nor is worrying about your dc and your own health.
I hope you get the support you need both for your health and your dc’s needs.

The freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline0808 2000 247 is the number for Refuge , rather than shelter.

It sounds like you both might benefit from support of ss. If only to confirm the issues you face and help you to address them. Try not to view it as necessarily negative. If school think the absences and lateness are part of a bigger picture of disorganisation and difficulties they may well refer. Does your dd have an EHCP?

You are not a bad mother. You are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. We have a similar situation ASD, medical issues and low attendance and it’s a constant source of stress being told to control something you have no control over

Your not a bad mother but it does sound like you need support - understandably with all that you have going on and asking for that is nothing to be ashamed of.

does she have an ehcp?

arrange a meeting with the school, be honest about the challenges and ask them what support they can put in place or refer you for.

Just to echo others OP you are not a bad mother. You just have too much on your plate and need some support. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for you. Posting this shows how much you care and want things to improve but you can’t do that on your own.💐

I can't offer much help OP, but as the mum of a 3yo with atopic disease (food allergies, asthma, eczema), I constantly feel overwhelmed. And that's with no suspected autism and I have a supportive DH.

I'd be so burned out if I had to go it alone.

You're doing flipping amazing.

I hope others can signpost you to services that can help x

You do need support because what is happening at home and the school isn’t helping your dd . But you can’t fix that until you have fixed yourself. Clearly something is not working with your diabetes control, ask to see a diabetes nurse , either at your gp practice or the hospital, get your diet and medication on track and you will be in a better position to support your daughters needs.

Adhd is hereditary and if your daughter has adhd it’s possible that you or your ex have it too. I have adhd and despite having a supportive partner I still find it hard to get my kids to school on time due to my poor planning skills so give yourself a break!
Write a list of all the things you can prepare for school the night before ie water bottle, lunch etc
write the time down you would need to leave for school if you were going to walk and put it as a recurring time in your phone - and then as a recurring time also put an alarm 15mins before this time as a warning you need to leave soon.
There are lots of creative ideas to great neuro diverse kids to school on time. I know one lady who said the only way she could do it was put a clean school uniform on her child each night that she slept in and went to school in the morning. Maybe that is extreme but you could put her to bed in tights and her school jumper etc.
breakfast could be a yogurt drink that you give her to suck on when she just wakes up and is still in bed

Also does school have a breakfast club she could access? Means your aiming to get her there earlier to give more leeway and you don’t need to worry about her eating before she goes out.

Tbh I do think you need some support. Can you contact homestart? And is the diabetes under control yet?

I think you need support from social services. Theyre not there to take your dd away from you. They help you access support from services so you can parent effectively. They can help you with the dv, your diabetes and your child's sen. Refer yourself and actively engage, they will help.

A little support could be a good thing, if only so that you have some back up - but my personal experience found they were unsympathetic to the parents needs, despite a single parent with medical conditions often requiring others to understand the need for different routes to getting things done, to coping and to organising the house and so on.

I'd recommend a book - This One - because the bit at the beginning was easier for me to understand and I now know my lifelong fasting habits have contributed to my condition. I'm also currently using a freestyle libre 2 sensor with the app on my phone, to help me understand and control my diabetes. I'm not T1, but it's really helped me see what causes the spikes.

Homestart or Surestart would be fantastic as well. I asked for support from Team Around the Family because of the hassle we had from primary. Both my children have since been diagnosed as autistic with adhd. I'd love to rub that in the faces of the staff who were calling SS every five minutes over anything.

The bullying we received as a family from that one school, left me with such severe trauma that I still get panic attacks sometimes if I have to visit my children's secondary - and the secondary have been amazing. Absolutely amazing.

I'm so sorry things have fallen apart for you. Please believe you CAN turn it all around. You just need some people behind you who aren't telling you you're shit. You've got this.

Social services aren’t the enemy they’re made out to be. Social workers are there to support struggling families and offer guidance and direct you to places who may be able to help, including respite. They will help get formal diagnoses for your child too. If I were you I’d be asking for help.

the issue with your ex I’m not so sure about. He should not be behaving abusively towards you under any circumstances. He may have concerns about his daughter because of the things you’ve described. A school has a duty of care to ensure their pupils are being properly cared for and the chaotic home life you describe would ring alarm bells.

if you know about autism you’ll know routine is the key. That may well include
routine for yourself which is sorely lacking.

you need help and I’m sorry if your ex and school aren’t offering support or help, social services may well be the people you need to access support and advice. Don’t write them off.

I work for social services, admittedly in adults, but please don't be fearful of them!

Removing children is an absolute last resort for situations where there is abuse and severe neglect. Being late doesn't count!

Social services do so much more than taking children away. They can refer into support programs that may genuinely make a difference to you both.

I think you need help and support. Maybe from social services or another charity or organisation.

First thing is getting your health under control. You really have to adopt a healthy eating plan, exercise and lose weight to control the diabetes. Focus on why you have to do it, it's for your DD, she needs you and she needs you healthy and on top of things.

Take help from any agency that offers and tell your ex to bugger off.

Please prioritise medical help for you, urgently. Sky high blood sugar should have been investigated at the time as Type 1 is far more likely than Type 2. Metformin will not be sufficient to help T1, and your description of how you are physically rings alarm bells.

your description of your own symptoms is really concerning. You need to seek medical care again because whatever you are doing is not working. Eating one meal a day very unlikely to be a good plan. I would start right there in the time you are waiting for an appointment.

this is a put on your own oxygen mask first situation. You need to call and get this addressed.

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement xx its really lifted me up i was so depressed this morning and made me feel not so alone, that some of you can relate to this

My daughter does have an EHCP but it really don't mean shit, she barely gets a thing out of it, not even a 1to1
I'm apprehensive of getting involved with social services because of what they did to me as a kid but I probably don't get a say in it now!
If they do contact me I will be open and willing to do everything, losing dd is not an option to me
Regardless of the reason I do need help, this is all really effecting my dd, shes misbehaving in school and generally not happy, she was really distressed when she heard I was going into hospital , not behaving in school
My organisation overall is really bad

I'm ringing my doctor today about the tiredness, and have my blood checked, plus talk about the diet for diabetes
I'm looking at the homestart someone suggested x

I'm just waiting for them to contact me ..

They did assume I was type 2 because all the women in my family have T2 and uncle has t1
They took the blood test to see my bloods for 3 months and I haven't received results yet so I'm finding them out today
I'm really not sure if the metformin is working yet , I haven't been on it for long enough. I'm not craving carbs anymore ,my eyesight improved a little but still blurry
My hands and feet are numb, I am most concerned about my confusion I keep leaving the fridge open and microwave open and leaving the butter out, small things but its really not like me
They did say t1 in adult hood was rare?

if the ehcp isn’t fit for purpose then call for an emergency review.

unless section F is very clear your unlikely to get any 1-1 on a regular basis.

look at local organisations like sendias to help