Son has no friends

[Suzy1188]

Hi all, my son (7) has just gone into y3 and started the year with 4 great friends.
as the weeks went on his v best friend kept telling him he was annoying and that he didn’t want to play. He stopped other children playing with him (by asking them to play and not letting my son join in) to the point my son didn’t want to go to school.
the teacher was told, and said relationships alter at this stage, and that she would keep an eye on it. Nothing has changed, despite repeated chats to the teacher.
now my son hates school, spends break and lunch on his own and tonight broke my heart by saying that he doesn’t think anyone likes him.
He is on the SEN spectrum (currently waiting for a referral) and can be quite full on.
I do not blame the other children if they find him ‘annoying’ and would never want to force children into playing with him as I think this causes even more problems.
This is my first child at school, and I don’t know what the school can/should do about it…can anyone advise?
So far they’ve said that he should tell and teacher (which he’s stopped doing as they did nothing) and that they’d put some colouring books out for him should he find himself with no one to play with. Is this standard?

my heart breaks that he was so loved and confident last year and now he’s an emotional wreck who feels he has no friends. He does extra activities in the evenings (one with his previous best friend) and his ‘friend’ has stopped playing with him here too. He’s v loving and when he loves, he does so with his whole heart, which can be quite full on. He is a bit immature for his age and (god help me I’m sorry to this but is annoying) But I don’t think these are bad traits and reluctant to tell him to tone it down as this is who he is.
Am I wrong?

I don’t want to mention it to the mum of the other child, as if he truly doesn’t like my son anymore then I would hate for him to be forced into a fake friendship as he should have genuine friends.

the year is small - only 30 - and most of them play football which is not my sons thing. The other few are just not interested in playing with my son.

many help with what I can get the school to help with, or confirmation that this is normal and gets better or what I can do will be so v gratefully received. I’m sick with worry!

I’m so sorry.
Could you sign up to some different extracurricular groups with other kids? Without this former friend being there?

I think the teacher is being useless and it isn’t good enough but not sure how you can escalate further. You’ve put in writing I assume?

PP is right, just keep creating opportunities for friendship. Kids often sort these things out on their own timescale.

I have profoundly BTDT by the way.

Is there a nurture club at school your son could join. This will put him in contact with other year groups and perhaps he may make a friend or two.

This must be really hard.
we hsve found it helps friendships if you can somehow make friends with other parents and hang out out of school which might give your DS opportunities to play and start an easier bond out of school?
it’s such a luck of the draw in a way as DS has always taken a long time to make friends but has been really lucky to make one very deep friendship at each school which has made life happy. Is it the right school for him otherwise? I would persevere if so and see if there are any strategies you can find to help the ‘annoying’ behaviour , and don’t be disheartened as hopefully it’ll improve soon

This breaks my heart, I have been through similar. The school need to do more. Has he a diagnosis? Possibly ASD? Anyway, hopefully things will improve, but the school need to support him at break time. Ideas such as an area for art etc in a corner of the playground, a buddy system, give your son a duty at playtime such as picking up the balls etc.. Absolutely try and find his areas of interest and outside clubs for this.
Hope this helps.

You say that he is full on, and this seems to be the cause of him losing friendships.

How does him being full on manifest? What behaviours does he exhibit that other kids don't like?

You say this is who he is, but if his behaviours are resulting in losing friends then you will need to try to help him deal with these behaviours.

I have autism and had a very hard time as a child. My mum always said she wanted to let me be myself.

But looking back I feel like I had zero guidance from her and had no idea what I was doing that made people not like me. I wish she had done more to help me.

Also, escalate to the SEND leader at the school. If your son is getting so unhappy they have to take it seriously.

It's one thing for the former friend at school to not want to play with him himself, but not to stop others playing with him - this is the way to make your DS totally marginalised and in my view is a form of bullying. I think it needs stamping out if that is the case. The problem is that once a child is marked out as being outside the group it can be hard to break back in.

Colouring books sounds a bit of a pathetic intervention to be honest.

I wonder if he has any game or toy he could take with him to school that would interest others, to give him something extra to offer as it were.

I would agree with others to step up the extracurricular activities and socialising with other families - if possible with slightly younger children as if he is immature he might get on better with those a year or two younger. Also, give him plenty of attention and spend good quality family time to give him a sense of security (I'm sure you already do of course).

I could have written your post this time last year - son with no friends having previously been popular, small school, all boys into football, possible SEN.

The school can and should do more. They can put in place lots of interventions at break and lunch time eg running big group games to involve everyone. Also, Google "circle of friends" and ask school about it.

My son is now on the autism pathway and in Y4 is thriving as the school have put in loads of helpful interventions. Y3 was like hitting our heads against a brick wall but now he has been flagged as potentially ASD, he's had a lot more help.

Maybe arrange a meeting with SEND at school - if approached from this angle, I think schools have to do something.

I honestly felt at a loss when my son was in Y3, but things are so much better and he is still his lovely quirky self - I hope your son's school can help your son too

Part of managing autism is teaching social skills. I would help him to tone down any behaviours that might lose him friends. Don’t feel bad about this but do do it sensitively - look into it. Good luck xx

Thanks everyone, yes everything I’ve put is in writing which I’m glad about now - should I need it.

I’ve had a read on their ‘anti bullying policy’ and this consistent exclusion is bullying so I’m going to ask the school today what they’ve done to manage this better.

we have thought he has a touch of ADHD but school don’t think so, and currently waiting for a GP referral but been told it’s a 2 year waiting list! So thinking of private.

it’s nice to hear other people’s experiences that they do get better - from your experiences do you think I should mention it to the mum? As they were close friends for the last 3 years I would say we’re friends, but not best friends. And I’m worried saying something now when this could all get better at school for our sons might ruin any future friendship my son and her son could have?

How are things with your son at school now?