Primary teachers how would you deal with my 4 year old?

[KronkeyCroc]

Had parents evening earlier this week and the teacher was very negative about my DS. I had to struggle not to cry.

he’s been getting upset easily apparently and just clams up and won’t tell them what’s wrong and won’t engage. She said sometimes he misses out on a whole
session. He is also very quiet though will talk to other kids.

At home is is happy loud and funny but he is quick to get upset and isn’t shy about telling us. I’ve seen improvements lately as We’ve been working hard to get him to tell us what wrong and explain that if he just starts getting upset with telling the problem we can’t help. He’s really getting better at explaining why he’s upset which has help deescalate and calm him down.

The teacher was just so down on him saying he will fall behind if he doesn’t change. They way she spoke about came across as if she didn’t like him and he was an inconvenience. I’m now imagining him just getting ignored in a corner when he is upset. I do understand she hasn’t got time to talk him round like I would at home though.

what would you do if he was in your class? Academic wise he’s fine. Starting the blend cvc words, read sight words and counts really well. He struggles with his pencil grip which she was making a big deal over and focusing on how he’s not writing his letters that well yet, which I thought was a bit harsh for a 4 y 5 month year old.

I’m just at a bit of a loss of what to do. I obviously can’t be there in school to help him and sounds like he’s a different child to at home.

Apologies for typos, I didn’t proof read before sending 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hope it makes sense.

I've got a number of children just like your son in my current class. We've just had parents evenings and my message was to not worry.

Is he chatting to other children? If so, give him some time - it's early days and he's still getting to know the adults.

Re the getting upset - yes, be consistent and encourage him to communicate using his words; the teacher needs to be saying the same thing. She needs to make time to listen to him - children have to be happy and settled before they are able to learn.

I would want you to approach me after school and ask for a longer meeting. Let me know that what I have said has worried you and basically outline what you have posted. The teacher will be able to either put your mind at rest or go through some strategies that you can do at home and school to help your son. He's very little and if he knows that home and school are working together to help him, he might feel more confident. Parents evenings are a funny old game, two people can have the same conversation and come away with a completely different perspective. Hope that's helpful, it's so hard when they start school!

Take some of the emotion out of it and she is telling you he is struggling. That is what parents evening is for. You also need to acknowledge that he does have issues as you talk about having to talk him round at home. You don't need to do anything yet. Give him more time but be open to the idea that he may need additional help and assessment if things don't improve. Try not to see this as her being harsh or down on him. She is however being honest.

I had something similar with DD2. She is May born and I think she just wasn’t mature enough for school, especially given she had a results driven and not particularly patient teacher. She used to hide under the table if she got overwhelmed. She wouldn’t talk to adults if she didn’t feel confident with them. I remember feeling like she was failing and I was failing. It was utterly disheartening. We had the same problem with her grip and I took her to a brilliant and quite old fashioned handwriting tutor who advised using ‘crayon rocks’ but said she didn’t think anything was actually wrong, she was just too little for formal school. I also took her to a speech and language therapist who said she had selective mutism and school needed to not pressure her and be patient.

The crayon rocks helped with the grip (I donated some to reception) but the most helpful thing was that I wrote an email to her teacher post parents evening saying we understood DD was struggling and explaining about the selective mutism. I explained that we were trying to support DD at home by doing xyz and that it meant so much that the teacher was willing to help her at school. I asked what else we could do at home. This seemed to reframe DD in the teacher’s eyes as someone she was making a difference to rather than someone who was ‘difficult’.

We’ve had various dips along the way but now in year 3 she’s so much more confident. It really helps if the teacher is supportive and patient so if you can think of a way to get them on side do it!

Have only skimmed as short on time but the teacher is the problem imo, way too much pressure and expectation being placed on him!

Sounds like the teacher is the problem here. She should be working with your DS to address his issues in a gentle and supportive way and also suggesting things you could do at home to bring him on. He's not going to engage and learn well if he doesn't feel safe. School is a busy and hectic environment for little children - some of them take to it like ducks to water and some need longer (and more support) to adapt and learn to cope with it.

Thank you so much for all your replies. Interesting to hear different point of views. And thank you for sharing your experience l @Gunpowder my son is also may born. I’ll look into the crayon rocks.

I definitely acknowledged that he is struggling and will do all I can to support him at home though I’m not sure what that should look like.

I asked is if she was concerned about any neuro diversity and she just said if I’m worried they can keep any eye 🤔 but I wasn’t worried until parents evening! I just want him to be supported in whatever form that is be it additional help or assessment.

I’ll try and get the teacher on board and show we are working on stuff at home but I don’t want to push him to hard on anything and make school something to dislike as he has been ok to in.

The teacher has come from teaching year six for a few years so hasn’t taught reception for a while so I do wonder if she’s just not used to dealing with little ones. Though I must stress I think she is a good teacher.

It might help if both you and the teacher are able to make a quick note of what DS was doing just before he became upset. A quick "sitting on carpet for phonics" or "playing on the trampoline in the garden".

Sometimes a pattern emerges and it helps to figure out what's going on. It might be, for example, that it happens more often when the class are expected to sit or when the classroom tends to be noisier.

One of my own DC used to get upset if they thought they might be asked to answer when they weren't expecting it. Being asked to explain why they were upset then just added to the problem. Once we realised, the teacher told them that she wouldn't ask her to answer unless she could see DC had their hand up.

Building up the relationship with a child can take a while. I have a couple in my class who are only just starting to speak to adults - and even then it's more of a whisper. It's unrealistic to expect such a child to suddenly be able to explain what the problem is. Even some of our more chatty children still find this difficult.

Thanks @Pottings. I was thinking of suggesting some sort of diary/handover book to the teacher after half term. Even if there are no patterns it may help DS if I talk through and explain things that happen in class that have upset him.

Can you talk to the head of EYFS in your child's school? Sounds like a teacher problem. What an unsupportive lousy woman. She's there to support not criticise.

I could… but the school regularly attach messages to news letters about resolving issues with the teacher as much as you can. So I will try and get her onside, but if I feel he’s not being supported then I will ask to meet with the head of foundation.

You mention your son is quiet but does talk to other kids, does he talk the teachers at all? The reason I ask is because my son has selective mutism, he is mostly non verbal in school but can sometimes manage a whisper but is more than verbal at home.

He does talk to other kids and the teachers and does play with other children. Though she said this is often parallel playing, but I don’t think that’s too unusual for his age.

He just clams up when upset so I don’t think that is selective mutism?

It sounds like the school is very results driven and possibly not as supportive of those children who may not immediately fit the mould. The teacher sounds under pressure and could definitely be more supportive. I wouldn’t worry too much at this stage.