Yr 4, low level bullying. Stay or leave?

[MamaDuckling]

DS has been a victim of low level bullying at his school since reception. Not always the same kid (the same two or three), but basically over the years it has led to DS feeling anxious in class and generally a bit sad about school. He lost a huge amount of good friends during lockdown that moved away, including his core group of mates. He has never really bounced back.

School have always responded in a timely and supportive way but I do question why certain behaviour is allowed to continue (intimidation/threatening behaviours) and why notes haven’t been passed up each year (every year I have to spell out the issues to the new class teacher).

Things have flared up in the last couple of weeks and DS is pretty miserable and in his words ‘scared’.

We spoke to him gently about whether he’s ever felt he’d like to move school and he bit out arms off, “yes!”. I asked him if we could get it resolved would he like to stay, “no, because it’ll only happen again”. Only one form entry so no chance of swapping class.

So, we spoke to council about a transfer. We know bullies can exist in every school but he, DH and I agree that a fresh start could very well be in his best interests.

There are waiting lists at the schools near us (all good London suburb schools).

Can I please ask for any advice, from teachers or parents on what you would do? Wait it out, keep his hopes up, or forget it and get in with trying to overcome it - and if so, how?

To be clear, DS has been told by one bully “I’ll kill you if you don’t beat up Thomas” (name changed) - coercive and controlling bullying basically.

There is a very nice independent school nearby which we could manage financially but it is very small indeed, and would be a shock coming from state. A further shock to leave it and go back to state for secondary!

Any advice would be very gratefully received. We don’t know what to do.

Move him. You've tried working with the teachers, you've tried waiting it out and hoping the other children will 'grow out of it' or simply stop and now you are into year 4 so 4 previous years of trying to sort it out and given the response to asking if your son wants to move, then there seems like no reason to stay..

Happy children learn, unhappy children don't. So not only is it making your child feel unhappy, it'll also be having a knock on effect to his learning in school.

If you've already worked with the school (and for sevearal years!) it's time to move him. Especially if he wants to himself - that says a lot.

I would, however, caution against a very small school. My DC had issues from Y4 because at that age they are ready to spread their wings a bit, and in a small school the pool of like-minded new friends is very limited. This is especially true of children who are not into mainstream interests and hobbies, etc.

If possible, I would take him out and home ed until a place comes up at another school.
Sounds awful!

Thanks everyone, it is hard to leave what is on first impressions and on paper, a very good state school. DD for example is very happy there. We simply got very unlucky with DS peer group. There are some big dominant characters getting the better of him. He’s a gentle, kind boy, who at home is confident and gregarious - but not in school.

His behaviour at weekends has become quite explosive recently and I expect has a lot to do with everything he is facing at school. His confidence is shot.

really reassuring to hear other parents think a move is best, and that I’m not overreacting.

The caution on a very small school is good to hear. It is my worry too.

home Ed very tricky as we both work, and not sure how long we could be waiting.

Please move him. You've tried everything else. To not move him after asking him and him telling you he wants to move is something he will not forget. He will remember you talking to him and being supportive and you being there for him.

I would say move, but if you move what are the chances of him meeting these same bullies at secondary school? If that were the case, I'd use an alternative state primary and save your money for private secondary.

I would apply to, and get yourself onto the waiting list of, every school you would consider and have a possibility of getting to (unless the council limits how many you can apply to). When your application is turned down and you are put on a waiting list, find out where you are on each list. If you are very near the top of some, may be worth waiting. Otherwise appeal for them all, looking specifically for evidence of why each would be better for him - robust anti-bullying policies; clubs that would suit him and boost his confidence; pastoral care staff … whatever you can find.

You may or may not be lucky, but not applying because he might be on a waiting list won’t help either. If you are going to go private, go for the best private that yoi can afford and make sure it us big enough and that at least some of its pupils go on to your preferred state school.

Hmm, are there any grandparents who could watch him whilst you at work? He could do IXL online and you can assign reading to him etc that way you aren't asking them to educate him.
I would really want to get him out of that environment ASAP. The longer he is there, the more damage it will do.

Failing that if you can't afford private then I think you'll just need to wait it out. Obviously not ideal but can't see any alternatives

I'd move him, my dd was bullied for a long time before we moved her to a different school. Imo we definitely waited too long and it really took a toll on her mental health. Schools don't seem to have the time, resources or expertise to deal with bullying sometimes.

As you can afford the independent school I’d move him immediately. You can remain on the waiting lists for state schools and move again if you feel that’s best but I wouldn’t leave him in the current school and home Ed doesn’t seem to be an option.

Perhaps look further afield to state schools as Inner London schools have a huge vacancy problem post Covid so if you are willing to commute you can almost certainly find space in a excellent one.

Best of luck figuring that out!

You have to move him. Four years - and often the best years in school - unhappy. He has to have a chance of better.